Page 89 of We Three Kings

‘Have you been up long?’ I ask.

‘Nana had to be dropped back at the home early doors so I went with my mum and gave her a hand,’ he tells me.

‘Oh, I didn’t get to say goodbye,’ I tell him.

‘It’s all good. You can expect a card from her though to thank you for the toiletry bag.’

It was floral. She joked and told me it was the rightsize for her sex toys and I laughed so hard, a bit of chocolate flew out of my mouth. I nod, still not really able to read Leo’s expression. ‘I might go and have a shower. Have you had one?’ I say awkwardly.

‘Yeah. Mum says when you’re properly up, she can do you some eggs or toast or whatever you want,’ he says a little glumly.

I try and tidy up my hair, taking a prolonged sip of tea, trying to work out his mood. Is it a post-Christmas slump? Maybe he’s sad about his grandmother? ‘Must have been sad to say goodbye to your nana.’

‘Yeah,’ he replies.

‘Guess you’ll see her in a few months’ time when you come back?’ I say. I furrow my brow trying to work out what’s up.

He looks up at me and takes a deep breath. ‘Look, there’s no easy way of saying this but I’ve been in relationships before where there have been secrets and that’s not what I want, especially with you.’

Every inch of me stiffens to hear those words, to hear his tone change so dramatically with me. ‘What do you mean?’ I ask, trying to catch his eye.

He looks down at his hands. ‘Your phone pinged pretty early this morning, and it was there and I looked over, and a message flashed up from Jan at work. Something about making a decision? Something about redundancy?’

I sit there for a moment to take it in before going to my phone and reading the message fully.

Maggie. I hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas. I go to New York today but let me know if you’ve come to a decision yet about the redundancy in your department. I’ll mainly be reachable by email but Klaus, the intern, can also advise.

As I read the words, I start to really hate Jan more and more but I realise this secret I’ve been trying so hard to keep isout there in the open. I thought I would feel some sense of relief to share it but, in truth, it feels awful that Leo knows, that I couldn’t protect him from it. ‘What’s going on, Maggie? Have they made you redundant? Are you leaving?’ he says worriedly.

I bite my lip trying to work out what to say. The problem is I can’t stretch the lie now because it’s Leo. All of this was never a secret I wanted to keep. Maybe I haven’t handled it very well but it was because it was an impossible decision. I close my eyes, shaking my head.

‘No, that’s not it at all,’ I say, trying to turn towards him and hold his hand. ‘I don’t quite know how to say this but they’re downsizing the department at work. They’ve asked me to let one of you go.’

Leo sits there very still on the edge of his bed to take that in, disappointment in his eyes as he slowly exhales. ‘Oh.’

‘I am very sorry I haven’t said anything. Jan literally accosted me on the Friday when I let you all go early, and then I jumped into Frank’s family wedding, then to Jasper’s, and up here, and there was never a good time to tell you, to explain to any of you what was happening.’

He’s still silent, taking in the impact of the news, and it feels so incredibly different to the mood of this house in the last few days.

‘So have you made a decision?’ he says.

I shake my head. ‘I can’t…I don’t quite know. They’ve asked me to weigh up lots of factors. Experience, qualifications, work history, length of employment…’

‘I was the last one in. It’s me, isn’t it?’ he says, sadly.

‘No.’

‘Then who? You need to tell Jasper and Frank, you know. So they have time to digest this. Plus they’re…’

‘They’re in IT, you always land on your feet in our industry…’ I say, knowing how weak that sounds.

He furrows his brow. ‘They’re our friends, Maggie. You said it on that call yesterday. They really look up to you.’

His words penetrate so very deeply and the emotion sits in my stomach like a stone. ‘I told this to HR. I fought for and defended your positions to my core so please don’t make out that I don’t care about them. My head’s been in bits trying to work this out, to think what’s the best thing to do.’

We both sit there stewing in this sudden unfamiliar barbed emotion between us. ‘I asked you a while back if we needed to declare our relationship to HR. You said we didn’t need to. Is that because it might not have been an issue?’ he continues.

‘God, no,’ I say, aching to reach over to him and embrace him.

---