Page 87 of Something New

Was Tuomo always meant to be mine?

Was he so sure of our future together that he was confident when he took the steps, he took to force us together?

How am I supposed to feel about this?

“Nerissa, I will be on the beach on Saturday morning at ten o’clock. I want to marry you. I will arrange everything, and I will be waiting for you on the sand, right at the water’s edge. I will wait my entire life for you. Please, change your mind. Be there on Saturday. Let me love you.”

I don’t know what to say. Even if I had something to say my throat is closed so tightly over any words it would be impossible for them to be heard.

The hot tears spilling from my eyes.

Tuomo waits a moment longer, then he stands.

I am torn.

Torn between knowing I have to watch him walk away and running back into his arms and never letting him go.

I am so torn that I can’t move.

He sighs, then walks out of my apartment. I don’t look up, I don’t watch him leave because I can’t handle the pain in my heart.

What am I supposed to do?

Of all the people in all the world - why did I fall in love withhim? A man so dangerous that he is willing to play games with my life like this. He would manipulate my future so that I had no choice but to be with him.

But I do have a choice.

My heart and my mind are at war.

I am in anguish.

The turmoil is crashing through me like a tornado.

I curl up on my bed, pulling my knees up to my chest and I cry harder than I have ever cried in my life. When I lost my mother, I at least understood what was happening. Humans understand death. It is a pain that we can embrace because it is a natural part of life.

This is a pain I don’t understand.

It is an ache so deep and terrifying that I am afraid it will tear me apart.

I clutch my stomach, holding onto my baby, begging the universe to make things different.

Tuomo has shattered me.

I don’t move from my bed until darkness creeps into my room.

It’s been hours since Tuomo left and I’ve just been lying there, thinking, trying to figure out how this happened and what I am supposed to do about it.

I have one instinct that seems to take over.

The instinct to take care of my baby.

For the time being I can forget about how much I love that man, and I can focus on the very basic steps I need to take to keep my baby healthy.

One of those things is a healthy dinner.

Even though the thought of food horrifies me, I will make something, I will take my time, and I will eat it so that my baby can grow up healthy and strong.

In the kitchen I place the fresh carrots onto the cutting board and slice them into chunks. The beautiful diamond ring glitters each time I move my hand.

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