Page 90 of Something New

He’s always so serious. Not even an emoji, or anything that shows how he feels. It’s a massive turnaround from the last time he spoke to Nerissa, threatening her to stay away from my family and forget about me. I need to leave all of that in the past and not hold it against him - in the same way that I hope Nerissa can forgive what I have done to her.

Celso’s message is enthusiastic, and it brings a smile to my face because his support is letting me know that my family cares for me.

Celso: Hells yes. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’ll be a tense moment, but it will end well when she walks onto the beach to marry you. I will be there for you brother, no matter which way it goes. I have tequila just in case.

Celso really proved himself to me when he helped me out of that holding cell. I have a newfound respect for him. He took a massive risk doing that. I will never forget it.

This journey I’ve taken with Nerissa has changed not only my relationship with her but also with my family.

My father, while still a raging asshole, has respect for me.

Masaccio and Rufino, I now understand why they handle father the way they do. I always thought they were sucking up - but - like me, they were just trying to survive his relentless attempts to control every aspect of their lives.

Dalila has always been there for me, and now is no different.

The most important thing I understand - is love.

Love cannot be forced. It cannot be bought. It cannot be faked or demanded or manipulated from someone. Love is raw. It’s about sacrifice and giving - not taking. You cannot take love.

Love is accepting that no matter what you feel for someone - it is their choice, and their choice alone whether they will allow you to love them up close.

If Nerissa chooses not to be with me - then I will be forced to love her from a distance for all eternity.

And that teaches me something else.

That love is the most painful emotion of all.

I pick up my whisky and carry it to the kitchen sink. Pouring it into the drain I watch the gold liquid splash out of sight while the ice blocks spin and dance against the basin.

“Please, forgive me.” I whisper to the air.

The heaviness in my heart is terrifying. Knowing that it will only get worse if she doesn’t come on Saturday is even worse. How will I survive without her? I don’t see a way forward without her by my side. My entire life is designed around being allowed to love her.

I turn away from the sink and head to the bathroom. It’s late.

Tomorrow, Dalila and I are going to okay the last few aspects of the alter design and choose the flowers for the arch way that will stand on the beach. I need to be up early. I am exhausted, emotionally drained and tormented and overwhelmed.

A hot shower will ease my shoulders from the tension locked inside them and help me fall asleep easier.

I think of her every waking moment, so it is no surprise I dream of her every night. As soon as I close my eyes images of her gorgeous smile, her soft, caring eyes, those beautiful lips, and the way her hair flow like a river over her shoulders - she fills my mind and refuses to let me go.

I know she loves me. That is not in question. I just don’t know if she loves me enough to forgive what I’ve done.

Saturday morning, nine forty-seven.

I am ready. I’ve always been ready - but right now I am standing at the altar, with my bare feet in the warm white sand. I am waiting for her. The black suit I’m wearing is crisp and well fitted. An archway curving over the alter is dripping with white roses and arum lilies. The ocean is turquoise and calm, and there isn’t even a breath of wind. It’s a perfect day.

Everything is perfect. The only thing missing is her.

Every time I glance at my watch it’s only been one minute since the last time I looked, even though I’m sure it’s been an hour..

Masaccio, and then rest of my family are here, sitting on chairs lined up on either side of a white carpet.

A haunting silence fills the space, leaving us speechless. There is nothing else to be said. All we can do is wait, and the waiting is killing me.

I look at my watch again and curse myself.

It’s been thirty seconds since I last looked.

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