Page 108 of Make It Without You

“I don’t know if I can,” I say as the first tear slips down my face.

Kamryn scoots closer to me and hugs me to her side. The decision to let Adam, and subsequently Dylan, go is a painful choice that I have to make to find myself.

“I’m here whenever you need me,” Kamryn comforts me with a kiss on my head.

I got homefrom Kamryn’s office, drained. I paced in my living room, wearing a path in the area rug as I continued to war with myself. But ultimately, the healing side of me won out.

A knock on the door halts my movement. With a deep exhale, I walk to the door and open it to Adam.

“Hi, sunshine,” he greets with none of the usual pep in his voice.

This week has been tough on him. Added with a girlfriend who rejected your move in question, I have no clue how he’s coping.

“Hey. Come in,” I tell him and open the door wider.

I close and lock the door then walk past him and sit on the couch. He sits next to me and I’m taken back to the morning he made me pancakes. We were so timid around each other, well I was timid around him. If only we could go back and slow our progress.

“I don’t like this weirdness between us,” Adam breaks the silence.

My gaze lifts to his and his features fall seeing the unshed tears in my eyes. “I don’t either. But I don’t know how we can get past it without it hanging over our heads.”

“Baby, it’s no–” he starts, but I cut him off.

“So you don’t get the urge to ask me to move in every day? You don’t get a little upset that I turned you down?”

“Well, of course I do. But that’s normal for anyone who’s been rejected.”

“And can they move forward without the weirdness?”

His eyes fall to the floor and I know I’ve hit the mark. My heart is racing and I feel like I’m going to throw up.

“Emily, I know what you’re about to do. Please, don’t do this.”

The unshed tears fall at hearing the pain in his voice. “Kamryn reminded me that when I was younger, I was so sure of myself. Every move I made was made with confidence. And along the way, I began to feel secure with who I surrounded myself with. After James, the confidence and security went away. Until I met you.”

Adam meets my tearful gaze. His beautiful forest green eyes that I love looking into aren’t as vibrant and I have myself to blame for that. “Are you saying you’re not confident or secure being with me?”

“I’m saying that I need to be confident and secure with myself first. And to do that, I have to make it without you. Just for a little while.” Those last words come out as a whisper.Because whether or not I find myself it’ll have to be without Adam.

“There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?”

I shake my head as more tears fall. “I need to focus on the changes that are happening to me. And you need to focus on Dylan.”

He drops his head to the back of the couch. I wish, more than anything, that I could deal with changes like a normal person. But change has always made me run scared. I just hate that this change is making me run from Adam.

In the daysfollowing Adam leaving my apartment, I’ve cleaned my apartment from top to bottom three times. I’ve also been non-stop crying but let’s not talk about that.

A knock on the door stops me from scrubbing the shower in my guest bedroom. At least I think it’s a knock on the door so I go back to cleaning. Until I hear it again. Standing up, I whip off my cleaning gloves and walk to the front door. The knock on the door starts again and with a huff, I open the door.

All of the annoyance leaves my body when I see who’s on the other side. “Mom? Dad? What are you two doing here?”

“Kamryn called us,” my mom says as they step into my apartment. “Your best friend may still be a virtual stranger to us after all these years. But even through the phone, I can tell how much she loves you. And she told us that you might have broken up with Adam.”

My eyes water as I stand in front of my parents like a scorned child. “And what? You two thought you could give your parental advice. I never got that from you before.”

“And we will pay for that for the rest of our lives,” my dad says and looks at me with concern. “Emily, why did you break up with Adam?”

“Because I couldn’t handle it, okay?”

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