Page 107 of Make It Without You

We look forward to your acceptance and would love to have you as part of our third grade teaching staff.

Best regards,

Marlena Stukes

Cincinnati School Board Director

Third grade.That’s a big step. Sure I would love to move up and teach older minds. But I love teaching the younger ones and shaping their minds.

I pick up my phone to call Adam but stop. Since the night he asked me to move in, things have been off for us. He’s still as affectionate as ever. But I fear that my refusal put a small wall between us and that’s the furthest from what I want. I want us to continue on this path that we’ve set up for our relationship. However, I've been questioning all of my steps since James died and I don’t think I can go back to who I was then. Being with Adam has been a small bandaid on a larger issue that’s me.

The walls of my apartment feel like they’re closing in. I snatch my car keys off the counter and sprint out the door. I don’t have a true destination in mind. But when I park down the street from Kamryn’s office, I know she’s who I need to talk to.

I follow the familiar steps and open the door to her office. It really is a beautiful space and in an incredible location. I take the elevator up to her floor and enter mild chaos. Music hums from the hidden speakers, the sound of sewing machines a familiar sound, and through the glass walls of the conference room I see Kam conducting a meeting. My best friend is a badass.

She must see movement out of the corner of her eye and her gaze lights up. I don’t want to disturb her so I point in the direction of her office. I’ve always been envious of her office. With the view of downtown flanked by the baseball and football stadiums, I always wonder how she can get any work done.

The woosh of her office opening sends my focus to the door.

“This is a pleasant surprise,” she greets and hugs me when she gets to her desk.

Her grip loosens but I continue to hug her tighter.

“What’s wrong, Emmy?” I haven’t heard that nickname in so long that it brings a wave of emotions over me.

“Adam asked me to move in with him,” I tell her.

“What?” She asks and pulls away from me and this time I let her. “What did you say?”

I shrug and shake my head. “He’s shaken up by his ex-wife coming back into town. She wants both Dylan and Adam back. Adam went to his lawyer to see what might happen,” I explain and move to sit on her couch. “I think he asked me without thinking it through. That was our first misunderstanding and I thought we moved past it. But things have just been off for us.”

“Do you see yourself living with him and Dylan?”

I send a grateful smile as she hands me a bottle of water but I make no move to open it. “I do see myself living with them and we’ve been non-stop for the last three months, which is the next logical step. But again, with his ex, I think he was more scared than anything.”

“That’s not all is it?”

I can never get anything past Kamryn. Her observational skills when it comes to the people in her life are sharp.

I shake my head. “I got an email offering me a third grade teaching spot. And it’s so much change. The last time I dealt with so much change, I retreated. I lost half of myself and I finally got me back.”

“Do you think this change is terrifying because it could mean security?”

“What do you mean?”

Kamryn adjusts her position on the couch and turns, fully facing me. “When you were dating James, there was this surety about you. I’m not even sure you recognized it. But I did. I saw how every move was made with confidence. You may have thought something over for a few seconds, but your decision was firm when you came to it. When you lost James, that surety and security about you, left. And even with you dating Adam, I don’t think you ever got it back.”

“So you’re saying I need to find my own sense of surety and security before I can be sure and secure with Adam?”

“Emmy, I’m a failed psychology student. What do I know?” Kamryn jokes.

But something about what she’s said hits harder than it needed to.

Kam starts shaking her head. “Emily, don’t do something you’ll regret.”

My eyes fill with tears. “I think I have to.”

“You can work through what you need to with Adam by your side.”

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