Page 49 of The Night We Met

“How’s it goin’ Jax?” I ask as I plop down on the couch. A rerun of Grey’s Anatomy plays out on the TV. The season six finale draws my attention a little.

“It’s goin’,” Jax responds.

I nod my head in silent approval and acceptance of her answer. I know I’ve been a terrible sister. Knowing my sister is in her first year of college should be giving us loads to talk about. I’ve just felt so numb this last month. And nothing has been able to wake my body up. That despite being home, nothing has been able to fill the void.

Jax turns down the volume on the TV before turning her attention to me. “Are you happy Kam? Because I see this girl that I think is my sister. And some days I see the old you fighting to make its return. So are you happy?”

No one has asked me that. “Honestly?”

“Always.”

I turn to look at her; but focus on something over her shoulder instead. “No. The person I thought I saw a future with deserted me. And I screwed up my friendship with Liam.” Taking a deep breath. “I’ve never been moreunhappy than I am in this moment.” My words come out choked.

“Well, what will make you not unhappy?”

I swallow the lump in my throat and attempt to keep the tears away. “I wish I knew. I wish I could brush off this ache that’s made a home in my heart. I wish I could look at this past year and go ‘Wow…look how far I’ve come’. I keep trying to look on the good side of things, but I just can’t.” The more I spill to my sister, the faster the tears I tried so hard to keep from spilling over, spill over. “I wish I knew what happiness felt like again, Jax. I wish I knew what it was like to dance around the living room at the sorority house. I wish I knew what interacting with friends felt like. But I don’t. I just can’t move on from this pain. I don’t know how.”

My sister looks at me with pity and I hate it. I hate that I’m not the girl I was when I went away to school the first year. I hate that I'm not the sister she needs. I hate a lot of things. I hate that my promise to never lose the light that lit me up is broken. But most of all I think I hate love the most.

January 2013

I have this habit when I go home for a break that I turn off my cell phone and hole up in my room. I continued going to my workout classes to get some kind of high. But the high would only last for an hour.

And all too soon, I’m back at school again. At least I have spring break to look forward to in the spring. A bunch of the Greek houses are headed to Cabo for the week and Ithink a little sunshine and tequila will do me right. Especially the tequila.

I’ve avoided going to the cafeteria at peak hours, knowing that Liam eats at those times. I’ve used that time to hone my craft. And in that period of focus I know that my work has gotten better.

My professor approached me about a summer internship in New York. She told me that it would be good for me if I’m serious about becoming a designer. Which I am. And it’s rarely heard of that first-year fashion students get invited to New York for the summer. Now that I think of it, I’m not much of a first-year student anymore. Although, I suppose I don’t have to worry too much since New York isn’t that far from Philadelphia. But I have until May to prepare for that.

It’s officially the opening season for spring sports. That means that baseball games will be everyone’s main focus til the end of the school year.

“Kamryn, are you going to the baseball game?”

“Oh, no not today, Maggie,” I respond and go back to my sketches.

I attempt to get back to what I was working on but I still sense her staring at me.

“Are you sure? It’s the first game of the season.”

“She said she was sure, Maggie,” Sarah snaps, coming to my defense.

Maggie turns to walk away and I cast a thankful glance at my best friend.

“I know you said you didn’t want to go to the game and I know it’s because of Liam,” Sarah begins as she sits next tome. “But are you sure you don’t just want to show your Striper pride?”

“I can’t, Sarah.” I say, my throat threatening to close up.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened between the two of you?”

I take a shuddering breath and turn to look her in the eye. “We slept together.”

“What?!” Sarah’s eyes practically bug out of her face and looks around to make sure that none of our other sisters heard. “When?”

“Over the summer,” I confess.

Sarah urges me to continue.

“I was holed up in my room since I had gotten back home. The breakup with Mason was still really hard on me. Liam came over after I had blown everyone off. My mom let him in my room. And he just held me the whole night. He didn’t pressure me into talking about it. He just let me cry. Then when I woke up in the morning we were cuddled so closely. I liked the feeling of a warm and strong male body behind me again. And then he was just there. One look and I let everything fade away. Then he said something along the lines ofI’ve waited for this for a long time. I freaked out…internally, of course. And I think Liam knew. So when it was over, he got dressed and left.”

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