Page 44 of The Night We Met

Her eyes are glassy with unshed tears, “What is it?”

Hell, even I’m having trouble keeping my emotions in check. Or even looking her in the eyes. But she deserves my honesty. Honesty and trust is what our relationship was built off of. And I’m throwing it all away. Despite the secret that I’ve been keeping from her for the last five months. I know that this, not being honest or truthful with her, is enough to break her.

“Before we started dating, I had a lot of NFL scouts looking at me. I was one of the top draft prospects. But I made a promise to myself and my parents that I would graduate college with a degree that would support me long after football ended. So I passed on entering the draft last year.Then when training and practice started back up in August, Coach said that the NFL was looking at me again. That I had always been on their radar and they had never stopped looking at me.” I take a deep breath before continuing. This is where I break both of our hearts. But in all honesty, I know they’re already beyond broken with no hope of repair. I blow out a deep breath and hold her eye contact.

“Coach said that in order for me to get drafted, I needed to be 100% focused on the game. No distractions. All of my commitment needed to be on football. He said he had the power to make it that I wouldn’t even be considered for the draft. And that the only way to do that would be if I had no ties left here.”

I steel myself as I look at her and witness the moment my words click. Her spine straightens even more and her face drops. “No ties here, meaning me?”

I nod my head because my emotions are way out of whack.

“You’ve known since August? When in August?” She asks right before the dam of emotions breaks.

“The day before you came back to school.”

“Oh my god!” Kamryn exclaims. Her hands covering her mouth as she backs away from me and then paces down the bridge a little then back. “Five months! You’ve known for five months that you had to end it with me. Why? Why did you string me along when you knew…knew that we had an expiration date?!”

When I get the courage to look back into her eyes, I see the tears forming. Knowing that I put those tears in her eyes is like a dagger to the heart.

“Because you make me a better man.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! A better man wouldhave fought for us.” Her voice cracks at the wordus. “A better man would not have strung me along and then avoided me for weeks! You’re a coward.”

Those three words hurt harder than any hit a defenseman could make. “I did try Kamryn! You don’t think I’ve dreaded this? You don’t think I bartered with everything I have to not do this? Do you think I want to walk away from you? I don’t! You are the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. You are the absolute love of my life. It has been slowly killing me knowing that we were on a timeline. And it tears me up because I know that breaking your heart is the worst possible thing that I could ever do. I know that I will never recover from this. I knew I wanted us for as long as possible. And I didn’t want to push you away, baby. But I had to prepare myself somehow by not being around you.” I tell her as I desperately plead my case.

When I look at her, tears are streaming down her face and her hand is over her mouth again, trying to keep her sob from echoing in the space around us.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Only it’s not a picture. Because pictures tend to fade over time. Pictures can get ripped, or lost, or water damaged, or even stolen. When they were talking about pictures being worth a thousand words, they meant this moment. Where you can remember every detail: the weather, the time, the day, and the aching scene in front of you right down to the tears trailing a path down her face. It’s a picture that wins awards when the emotions of the subject have the ability to smack you in the face.

That’s what I did to Kamryn. I broke not only me, but I actually broke her when I promised to myself I never would.

I have no right, but I pull her sob-wracked body to me despite her resistance.

Kamryn’s body stays stiff in my arms, but speaks what I’ve been thinking about since August. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this Mason. You’re my best friend. I don’t know how I’m just supposed to walk away from you. I can’t just walk away from you.” Her body shakes with the silent sobs that are wracking her body.

I run my hands up and down her shaking back trying to soothe her as best as I can, knowing that these words I say will and can never be enough. At least not anymore. A few tears escape from me as I kiss the top of her head. “I don’t know either. But I do know that one day, you’ll thank me for letting you go.” She’s shaking her head no, knowing that I’m wrong. Even I know that I’m wrong. Because despite both of our breaking hearts, I continue telling her what she needs to hear in an attempt to move on. “You’ll thank me when some guy sweeps you off your feet. Even though that guy isn’t me I’ll still be happy for you. Your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me.” The words taste bitter as I confess to her one of my biggest lies to date. I pull away from her to look her in the eyes. “You are one in a million Kamryn Rawlins. And I am so glad that I got to be a part of your life. To be loved by you. To know you. I will love you forever.”

“I will love you for always,” I know she means that, because one thing Kamryn is, is honest and loyal to a fault.

I know I shouldn’t, but I lean down for one last kiss. One last kiss to hopefully tie her to me. But all too quickly Kamryn pulls away, and walks away from me. Her sobs follow her as she walks away from me. It kills me that I just destroyed the one person who didn’t deserve it. It kills me toknow that I can’t be the one to follow her anymore to make sure she’s okay.

I haven’t seen Kamryn around campus in about a week. My first instinct when I woke up was to text her. It had been my routine since last year. But that night I lost the right to know what she’s up to. Every fiber of my being argues that she’s the love of my life. And I don’t care that I’m young. That I could’ve fallen in love with anyone. But there's only one Kamryn. And she’ll always be it for me. No other woman could ever compare.

As soon as I went to my coach’s office and told him what I did, he made a call. The next thing I knew I was scheduled to go to my first combine in February. But at what cost? I had to muster all of the excitement when he told me when I was set to go. Could he tell? That my excitement for this game isn’t as strong as it was five months ago? When he told me I was scheduled for February, I slammed the door as I left his office. Still nothing could prepare me for the aftermath.

I heard the whispers all over the campus. The looks of shock from the students in my classes and the look of disdain from my fellow athletes. I called my mom after it happened and she said that it would get better and Iwillheal.

The only problem is that with each passing moment and each passing day, it doesn’t feel like it will get better and I don’t feel like I’ll ever heal.

“You saw her around campus right?” I hear one of my teammates say when I walk over to them at a table in the cafeteria. It’s been a few days, and the whispers have barelydied down. I don’t think they’ve noticed me yet, but one of them finally does.

“Hey, Mason.”

“Hey guys. What are y’all talking about?” I say absentmindedly as I take a seat.

“Nothing in particular.”

They all look at each other conspicuously, thinking that I’m not paying attention. The only problem is that I know who they’re talking about.

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