Page 117 of Kingmakers, Year Three

Every word is true, and she means every bit of it.

I finally went too far. She’s done with me.

“Cat—” I say, reaching desperately to take her hand.

Too late.

She wrenches it away from me and flees down the steps.

22

CAT

Irun away from Dean, down to the Undercroft where he can’t follow.

Then I remember that he broke into my room last year, so he absolutely can find me down here if he cares to do it.

But I doubt he will.

I lay face down on the bed, guilty and miserable.

I shouldn’t have gone looking for his mother without talking to himfirst.

I wanted to surprise him. But I knew how emotionally fraught that whole situation is for Dean.

On the other hand . . .

It’s better that I know how he actually feels about me.

He doesn’t love me. He never did.

Why would he?

Dean has always been one of the smartest, the strongest, and the most disciplined people at this school. With all I’ve changed, I’m still barely average.

But god, it felt good to believe that he loved me.

I can’t stop crying.

I’m soaking my pillow like a fucking baby, all tears and snot and embarrassing sobs.

I’m glad Rakel isn’t here.

How did I fuck that up so bad?

I’m stupid, just like Dean said. I think I understand what’s going on around me, and then I don’t, not even a little bit.

I didn’t see what was going on between Rocco and my sister until it was almost too late. I wasn’t able to help Hedeon. I don’t know what the hell is going on with Miss Robin. I’m a shit Spy.

Maybe Lola’s right about everything—if Dean thought I was an idiot all along, maybe Anna and Chay do, too. Maybe Ares does, and Hedeon. Even Rakel might only be tolerating me.

I’m spiraling down a greased slide into a pit of slime.

All my darkest thoughts and worst fears are waiting for me at the bottom.

I’m worthless. No one loves me. No one ever will.

Except Zoe.

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