Page 41 of Misadventures Of A Single Mom

Ty popped the trunk of his rental car. He’d insisted on driving as his car was unfamiliar to anyone who might considerfollowing me and doing me harm. It was a pale blue two door and small enough to fit in the bed of Ty’s pickup truck. It was a clown car and he had to practically fold himself in half to fit behind the wheel. Its only saving grace was a remarkably large trunk. Ty was a big man and he needed room. Lots and lots of room the rental could not provide. I could imagine him standing on the curb waiting for the mailman to arrive with his insurance check just to be rid of his pint-sized rental. Images of the boys waiting for the ice cream truck came to mind.

I started digging through the boxes Goldie packed for me.

“What the hell?” Ty asked as he picked up a rubber dildo from the box. The tip of it jiggled like the Colonel’s Jell-O. “What on earth do you guys do at a bachelorette party?” he snapped.

“What do you guys do at a bachelor party?” I countered.

Ty’s eyes lost focus as he most likely imagined strippers, porn and lots of liquor. “Never mind. Please explain.” He couldn’t figure out where to hold the dildo, his hands shifting from the shaft to the balls to the tip.

I took it from him. His face looked as if he’d swallowed a bitter pill. “I believe that’s the All-American Whopper Dong and friends.”

Ty shuffled through the box. Inside were at least ten dildos, all identical. He mumbled something I couldn’t catch, but I did hear the words ‘women’ and ‘insane’. I decided to let it go. We weren’t even through the door yet.

“You’re here!” A woman—from the looks of her—the bride, squealed. She weaved her way down the walkway, most likely very tipsy. Although, if I wore the black patent stilettos she had on, I’d be weaving around, stone cold sober. She wore a white tank top that showed off her youthful breasts. I’d bet my paycheck they’d been medically enhanced. Somehow, she wore a jean skirt that was as big as a Band-Aid and kept everything legally covered. I’m not sure what would happen if she sat down.

Her hair was long, straight and dark. A little poof in the back gave it lift that only came from a half can of hairspray. On her head was a plastic diamond tiara in the shape of the word BRIDE. To accompany this, she wore a Miss America sash that readBride To Be.

“I can’t believe the surprise! I thought it was next month! I’m sooooo excited!” She even came up and hugged me. Yup, drunk. She smelled of rum and something fruity. “OMG, we’re going to play with dildos! That’s great because it matches the party’s theme!” I had a pretty good idea what that was. “We’ve got a penis cake and penis shaped ice in our drinks. This is going to be amazing!” She grabbed the dildo from me and ran back up the walk. As she entered the house I heard more screams than at a ninth-grade sleepover.

We grabbed the boxes and headed inside.

The front door opened onto a family room with two tan couches, a wide screen TV and a fake plant. White walls and bare floors. Probably recently moved in. I quickly counted heads. Nine women of various ages were drinking wine from the box on the coffee table and eating chips and salsa, gabbing like sorority sisters. They ogled the dildo as if it were the Lost Buddha from the Ancient Empire. They sat on the couches, squeezed in like peas in a pod, with one or two ladies on chairs probably pulled in from the kitchen.

All heads swiveled to us and it became as quiet as church on Sunday.

No one looked at me. I could have been naked twirling batons of fire. No one would have noticed. They were all looking at Ty. Like a piece of meat. Okay, I now knew what Ty had been saying when he told me Dex had looked at me that way. These ladies would eat him alive if I wasn’t here.

I actually thought I heard Ty gulp. With a shaky smile he said, “Ladies.”

“This is Ty,” I replied by way of introduction.

“A stripper! I didn’t know Goldilocks did that!” A bridesmaid I recognized from the store squealed with delight. I figured this one was Dingbat.

Ty took a step back.

“No, he’s not a stripper,” I clarified.

They took in his faded, well-worn jeans and how they hugged his really nice ass. They admired his button-down gray shirt and how it showed off his broad shoulders. It was rolled up at the forearms to reveal tanned and toned muscles. His hair was still cut short and he was clean shaven. I could even smell the soap he used. I didn’t blame them the ogling, or taking him for a stripper. He was a man at a bachelorette party, and he’d come with me, the woman who ran the adult store. And of course, he was hot.

A chorus of “Hellooo, Ty” rang out.

He pointed his thumb at me like the Fonz. “She’s my girlfriend.”

SonowI was his girlfriend. The ladies looked at me, sizing me up. Was I worthy of a hunk like Ty? Some of the mean looks the women gave me said no.

“Hi, ladies!” I said brightly. “Let’s get started.” I slid the box of dildos in front of me. “If you each will take one and pass the rest around, great. No, there’s enough for everyone. Tonight, you’re going to learn how to give your man the blow job of his dreams.”

Ty coughed. I looked at him and I swore he choked on spit.

I dug back in the box. “Oh, here, the plastic plates are for you to suction cup your?—”

“Cock!” one woman shouted out.

“Dick!” Another.

“Man part.” Another.

I laughed. “—whatever-you-want-to-call-it to. You want to keep your hands free. It’s all about the mouth.”

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