Without a way to escape, I started again. The truth. Sure, like it was that simple. “You broke up with Peter and then your mom got sick. I was there, and we are so used to relying on each other.”

“I relied on you before without sucking your dick.”

I winced at her words. “True. But don’t you think things got a little out of control? We were friends? And then… shit, we just started something and…”

“Yes, sure, it changed.”

“Maddie.” I shook my head. “Come on. It wasn’t a date, it wasn’t a love declaration. We just started in the dark. Like it was a secret. No one asked us to keep it a secret. The whole fucking campus wanted us together and still we hid. How quickly your hand retracted when you saw Peter?”

She scoffed, offended. “Don’t you even start. You know he’s crazy! I didn’t want him to start anything right there.”

“I know! I know!” I could taste the exasperation on my tongue. “But the thing is that we hid it, anyway. Not just from him. It was like we knew it was fucked up.”

“Zeek…”

“Maddie…” I licked my lips, shaking my head. “The reason you slept with me for the first time wasn’t because you wanted me. You wanted comfort. You know it.”

Right there, I wanted her to scoff again. Tell me how I was wrong. Roll her eyes. I kept saying I had to keep my distance, but I was dying to be told the opposite. Who better at school for me than Maddie?

My body vibrated, my gaze pinned her as I waited for the sweet words.

Come on, Maddie. Come on and save us.

Silence and then…she nodded.

The nod brought me to my knees, even when I was standing right there. I was a shell of a man. Comfort. Familiar. All the things I told Nick and Jay but prayed in silence to be wrong.

I never wanted to be so wrong in my life.

“Did I hurt you?” she asked in a small voice I didn’t like. “Was I super inconsiderate”

She sniffled. Oh, god. I was close again, taking her beautiful face in my palms. I felt the smoothness of her skin, brushing away the first tear that rolled down.

“Cariño…” I shook my head. “I’m ok.”

“I didn’t use you. I didn’t think it through. You just calm me so much, Z. You always have.” She was crying, talking between hiccups. “And things were happening so fast and right then the first time I slept with you… I really needed you.”

“I know.” I managed to smile a little. “And I needed you. I always need you.”

“I’m sorry. I wanted to feel close, that was all. But it isn’t like that anymore. Not after…”

After we got physical? After the sex? Who knew? But it didn’t matter either way. I wanted to try. The last thing I wanted was to keep my hands off her, but it didn’t start pure and loving. It was needy and tainted.

We left it in the room, and maybe our instincts were right from the start.

“It’s all good, Mads,” I said, with more lightness than I actually felt.

“It doesn’t feel right.” She frowned.

“We just messed up a little on the way. It’s us right? We can go back to normal.”

“Friends.” She completed.

Friends. I remembered when that word was good enough for us. Vibrant, a word that carried our memories, our childhood, and our jokes. And now? It felt so wrong to call her that.

“Friends, always.” I swallowed down my doubts. “I’m sorry I’ve been pulling away from you.”

This time, she was the one to put distance between us. Maddie stepped away. My hands fell to the side of my body. Grasping… nothing.