Page 112 of Love me, Maddie Mendoza

“No.” She shook her head, diverting her eyes from me. “Not when I was climbing you like a tree every time I saw you.”

“Maddie, you know that’s not true.”

“Not true?” She challenged me. “It is, Z. I’ve been… god… this is embarrassing.”

I went to her, but our roles were reversed. Maddie stepped back. “No.” It was a whisper.

I did not like it.

“Maddie… I wanted everything that happened between us… I really wanted it all.”

But she wasn’t listening anymore. Her eyes cast down, lips quivering. That wasn’t what I meant about her seeking comfort. Even when Jason asked if I felt like she took advantage. It was laughable. I craved Maddie more than any man on earth ever craved a woman.

“I was right with you there. I was scared of losing you.”

She grimaced. My words hit a wall I never knew could exist between us.

“You’re acting like you forced yourself on me or something.” I said, almost joking, because it felt like she was taking it way worse than she should. “Maddie, for the love of god, look at me.”

Nothing. I was losing her, one step closer to the door after the other.

Jesus Christ.

“What I meant is that we went about this the wrong way. And we got caught up in the moment. I don’t regret it. Do you?”

She finally looked at me again. Her eyes held tears. The last thing I wanted to see there. “No.” She shook her head quickly.

“Good. We just have to take a step back, ok? It shouldn’t mean more than that.”

I lied because it did. It meant the fucking world, and I was destroying everything from one dumbass sentence to the other. The words escaped me untamed. I spilled them non-stop. What the hell was wrong with me was anyone’s guess.

I wasn’t lying to her. I thought we started wrong. I still felt like an asshole for not bringing that to her attention before we had sex. But at the same time, I couldn’t regret the sex itself.

We were right, perfect even. The conflicted thoughts plagued me. I wished I could have a better solution for us.How could something so wrong have felt so good?

“Ok.” she replied, again, agreeing with all the bullshit I was saying, and I resented her for it.

I resented myself for saying it, for thinking it.

And I resented everything in between. Every step that led us to where we were.

I should have asked her on a date.

I shouldn’t ever have kissed her.

One of those was the right answer. I just wasn’t sure which.

Maddie licked her lips, her eyes still looked dazed. I felt like shit. The silence between us was unbearable, and it set the matter.

“I’m going then,” she said.

I dipped my chin in acceptance. What could I say? I gave her all the stupid excuses for her to run from me.

Maddie headed for the exit, uncertain steps different from the firecracker on flip-flops who arrived. I told myself not to call after her. I never wanted her to go, but I had nothing good enough to make her stay. No way out of the mess.

In the end, it was right. We sought something from each other; we hid from everyone and it made of the purest thing something dirty. And that was the truth we had to deal with now.

“For the record, Z.” She turned by the door. “I was looking foryou. Not just…” she creased her forehead, “… comfort.”

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