Page 54 of Mad Love

But it just feels so good to talk to her. Each new piece of information I cull out of her feels priceless.

Caleb coos happily in the swing next to the table.

“I went out to see the pool house the other day,” she says, before taking a bite out of her sandwich. “I hope that’s okay. It’s beautiful out there too.”

“Of course, it’s okay. I want you to feel like this is your home too. You know, you don’t have to ever go back to your apartment.”

She looks down at her plate. “Thank you. It’s helped to be here, but it would take time for this to feel like home. I’m grateful that I get to be with Caleb.” Her eyes meet mine and then she glances away quickly. “I’m still having a hard time believing I’m here,” she admits. “And having a lot of guilt over it.”

“Guilt, why?”

She sets her sandwich down and dusts off the crumbs. She seems far away suddenly, her eyes distant as she stares outside.

“It should’ve been me,” she says softly. “I should’ve been the one to go, not Sasha. She deserved a better life, and Caleb deserves to know his mom. I’ve never talked about this, but…I was supposed to watch Caleb that morning. Not for any particular reason except to give Sasha a break. But I got home really late from work the night before and overslept. I don’t know why she didn’t wake me up…or why she left in the first place. She rarely went anywhere. She wasn’t comfortable driving in gross weather, so it’s even more confusing why she went out that day when it was icy.”

She blinks and a tear drops down her face.

“I haven’t been able to go through all of her things yet. I helped my parents go through some of it at the apartment, but I’d like to keep anything of hers that’s special and give it to Caleb when he’s older. There’s no way he will remember her, but I want him to know everything about her too, for him to still have her presence in his life. You know?” She looks down and more tears fall. “This house is a dream. Caleb has everything he couldpossibly want. But I can’t help but feel like I’ll never belong here. I’m taking the space that should’ve been my sister’s.”

I reach out and take her hand. It’s small in mine, but the instant our palms touch, an awareness crackles through me. Sadie looks up at me. Does she feel it too?

“It will never make sense that Sasha is gone,” I say. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t belong here. That’s a space that only you can fill…in Caleb’s life, in mine, in this house. We will talk about Sasha to Caleb, I promise you that. He’ll know about her and he’ll know how much she loved him.”

I bend so she meets my eyes and she nods slightly.

“I’m not one of those people who sayseverything happens for a reason, because that’s too conflicting for me to wonder why so many suffer. Why do horrific, inexcusable things happen to children and good people? Everything happening for a reason would make it seem like there’s a higher power out there pulling strings to make certain people’s lives theworst.” I clear my throat, a lump building in my throat from seeing all the tears falling down her cheeks. “But I do think good things can come out of tragedies despite how awful they are. Sasha shouldn’t have died, and equally as true…you should not feel guilty that you didn’t.”

She looks at me for a moment and then her face crumbles. She buries her face in her hands and I move until I’m kneeling in front of her chair. I push her hair back and then pull her toward me. Her head leans against my chest, and my arms wrap around her as she lets it out.

After some time, she gets quiet and I keep holding her. Every now and then, she’ll take a deep, shuddering breath, but she doesn’t pull away.

When we finally break apart, my legs are stiff from being in the same position for so long. But I wouldn’t change a thing.

“Thank you for saying that, Weston,” she says softly. “People kept saying that at the funeral—everything happens for a reason—and it made me so angry. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say what you just did and it”—her voice shakes and she takes another deep breath—“it really helped. Thank you.”

I push her hair back from her eyes and we stare at each other for a few long seconds. Finally, I get up and move away from her because the urge to kiss her is too strong.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

ALWAYS ON MY MIND

SADIE

I take a shower before bed, my mind replaying my recent interactions with Weston. There have been a couple of times now when I thought he might kiss me. It could totally be my imagination…in fact, I’m sure it is. It’s probably just me wanting that.

When exactly did I start to see him differently?

When did it become impossible to stay angry with him?

I have to dig deep to even have negative feelings toward him right now when he’s being so good to Caleb and me.

It’s still wrong for me to be having anyfeelings, or whatever this is…becausehe slept with my sister.

But they weren’t an ongoing thing. They didn’t have a relationship.

Downplay it all you want, but you know how hurt Sasha would be to know you’re even thinking these thoughts about him.

That’s the thing though—none of this would be happening if Sasha were still alive.

---