Page 20 of Mad Love

By the time I put Caleb in the portable crib and crawl into the bed next to him, I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I decided to go with a bedroom in the basement. There are still tons of windows down here despite it being a basement. It’s gorgeous. And it’s as far from Weston as we can get, so it feels like I’m holding on to a bit of myself in this strange new reality.

I text a few people to see if they can cover my shifts for the next week and a half at the steakhouse where I work, and once I have most of them covered, I let my boss Kim know what’s going on. She’s sorry to hear about Sasha and tells me to not worry about the shifts I didn’t get filled, she’ll take care of it. I have no idea what life is going to look like now.

It takes about an hour and a half for me to fall asleep. I toss and turn and cry. And when I finally drift off, Caleb wakes up and it’s like last night—nothing seems to make him happy.

CHAPTER SEVEN

A NIGHT IN THE LIFE

WESTON

I stay up until the few shipments that were being delivered tonight arrive at the front gate and Joey calls to let me know. I walk out there instead of having him or Seth bring the packages to the house. Not that they’d mind—my security team is exceptional. But after being in the hospital yesterday and today, I have a lot of pent-up energy. Once I get these things putaway, I’ll go work out a while and then sleep like the dead. I’m exhausted.

All is quiet when I go downstairs and set the formula, diapers, wipes, and bottle warmer on the island so Sadie can see them. It takes a minute to figure out the bottle warmer, but it should be ready to go when she needs it. I didn’t argue when Sadie said she’d sleep down here with the baby. I’m choosing my battles. But I’d like to move the baby’s room upstairs once his furniture arrives. Hopefully, by then I’ll know him better and he’ll be used to me too.

Earlier, Caleb started crying before I’d finished showing Sadie the house. I think all that’s left is the gym…and the grounds, the pool, and the pool house. The gym is in the basement, but it’s far enough from the bedrooms that I don’t think she’ll hear anything. Just in case, I keep my music off. We’ll have to test it out later and see what she can hear from her room.

I’ve worked out an hour when I hear something. Oh shit. Caleb’s crying…more like wailing. It gets louder as I put the weights in place and rush out of the room.

I hear Sadie trying to soothe him, but it doesn’t change, and I tap on the door.

“Sadie? Do you need a bottle?” I ask.

She opens the door and we both freeze, staring at each other for a few long seconds. She’s hardly wearing anything and I glance down to see if my dick is out or something and realize I’m not wearing much either.

“The formula came. It’s on the counter. I could mix that up or use what’s in the freezer,” I say.

Her eyes finally meet mine, and she nods.

I hurry to the bar and grab the packets of breast milk we put in the freezer last night. There’s not much left, but enough for afew more bottles. She follows me, trying to put her arms through her zip-up hoodie while holding Caleb.

“Should I use two of these?” I ask, holding up the packets.

“Yeah.” She changes positions with Caleb and he cries harder, and she cries right along with him.

It’s heartbreaking.

Once the bottle is ready, I hand it to her and wipe my face and chest with a towel and throw on the shirt that I’d tossed on the bar when I came running. Caleb doesn’t calm down. If anything, it makes him madder when Sadie tries to give him the bottle.

“He’s missing Sasha,” she whispers. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Would it help if I try?”

She doesn’t look like she wants to hand him over, but she does anyway.

“I stink, sorry. I was working out when I heard him.” I awkwardly turn Caleb until it’s a little more comfortable and then try to give him the bottle.

No go.

I start walking with him, finally turning him so he’s facing out, his head in the crook of my arm. His cries quieten, but they don’t stop. I bounce, I rock, and when nothing else works, I start singing “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic and the second time I get to the line about losing sleep,I give it a little extra something and Caleb takes a deep, shaky breath and looks up at me, listening.

The next time through his little fist waves against my chest before it goes in his mouth, and I didn’t know my heart could quadruple in size just like that. I also didn’t know how a whole slew of worries would instantly take over as soon as I became a father.

How will I fuck this up?

What if I can’t make him happy?

I can barely take care of me, how am I supposed to be responsible for another human?

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