Page 36 of Melting the Ice

“Yeah, you are,” Ramsey said, and suddenly his hand was clasping Brody’s, his grip a reassuring squeeze. “But you’re gonna be okay in the end. I know it.”

“I don’t know it,” Brody said and laughed because that was better than crying. Especially over the remnants of an Italian sub in Sammy’s. “I don’t know who I am anymore. What I want. I get on the ice, and it’s good, but it’s not the same. I feel . . .different.”

“Your injury,” Ramsey said.

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s part of it. But then I go to class, and we’re doing these medical case studies and I think,God, I could do that, too. I love doing this. I could get lost in it. Sometimes I think I want both—but we know that’s not how it works, right?” Brody laughed again, becausefuck, this rest-of-your-life shit washard.

“I think you could be or do anything you wanted. Anything you decided on.” Ramsey paused. “Are we still not talking about Dean?”

“No, we’re not talking about Dean.” Because Brody knew it wasn’t really about Dean. He was a symptom of a larger situation. “We’re talking aboutme.”

“Your parents are gonna be just fine, and the rest of us are gonna be just fine, with whatever you want, with whatever direction you decide to swing. You know that, right?”

Brody nodded. He knew it. But the words burst out of his mouth anyway. “But amIgonna be fine with it? I don’t know. I don’t know fucking anything anymore.” And there it was.

Everything he’d thought he was. Everything he’d thought he wanted. Everything he’d worked for. It was all a mess, shattered on the floor of his mind, and Brody didn’t know how to put it back together again. Or if he even should.

“We all go through this,” Ramsey said quietly.

“Not you,” Brody retorted.

“Especially me,” Ramsey admitted. His blue eyes were shadowed now, like he was thinking about it. Like Brody’s confession had forced him to revisit it. Brody almost wanted to apologize for sending him there.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,oh. And you don’t gotta hide this shit, Faulkner. We’re friends. We’re teammates. We’re there for each other. You know Mal’s got his big four-year plan. Talk to him. Talk to Finn, who’s only ever wanted to play hockey, even when the whole world seems either set against him doing it or waiting to see how fucking amazing he’s gonna be. Nobody says you gotta take his path. Or your parents’ path. Or that you gotta decide right now.”

“Yeah.” He knew Ramsey was telling the truth, but it still didn’t help.

“I know youknowall that though. So it’s just . . .sometimes you gotta go through it before you get it.”

“Did you?”

“When I kissed my first guy in high school? Yeah, I sure did. Didn’t think that was me, but it is. Took me time to embrace it.”

“Really?” Brody couldn’t help the skepticism in his voice. Ramsey Andresen was the most unashamed person he knew.

“Really,” Ramsey said warmly.

“Okay.”

“And anytime you need to talk, I’m here. We’reallhere.” Ramsey picked up his smoothie and sucked noisily on the straw. “Now, I’m sure you were about to tell me you’ve got some crazy hard bio shit you gotta do, so I’m gonna take off.”

Brody rolled his eyes. Except Ramsey was right. “Yeah. And thanks, actually.”

“Anytime,” Ramsey said.

Except the “crazy hard bio shit” wasn’t the only reason he was wanting to go home. Maybe he’d see Dean. This was usually the hour theydidmeet up, or at least they had pre-Friday night.

They’d sometimes sit on the couch in the living room, shooting the shit for a few minutes, sometimes reading in companionable silence as ESPN played low on the TV.

Brody knew Dean was avoiding him, but heknewit when he came home and the living room was empty.

Knew it with even more certainty when he looked at Dean’s door and saw that sliver of light underneath it.

He’d already retreated to his room. Maybe if he hadn’t gone with Ramsey for food after practice, he’d have caught him . . .

But did he really want to catch Dean if he didn’t want to be caught?

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