Page 33 of The Consequence of Loving Me

Something bumps against my foot. When I go under the water, I find that it’s a body. I tug on it with all the power I can muster while still treading water. I don’t know how I do it, but somehow, I pull and swim hard enough to get him onto the shore of the beach.

It’s there that I find a mass of people standing.

“Call nine-one-one!” I plead, dragging Connor up the shore enough to get him out of the strongest part of the tide.

A man comes to the other side of Connor and helps me pull him. We both look down.

He isn’t breathing.

No part of him is moving.

His clothes are wet on his skin, clasping to every inch of him like they themselves are trying to suffocate him.

“Oh my god,” I say, when it fully registers to me that his chest isn’t moving. My knees drop to the sand. Before I even realize what I’m doing, I’m pushing against his chest. I count the beats in my head. Once I’ve reached the amount of chest compressions I’ve been taught to do, I tilt his head back and breathe air into him.

When nothing happens, I start back over.

Over and over.

Over and over.

Push, push, breathe, breathe.

Nothing, nothing…

There are people around me, where a large crowd has now gathered. They all watch as I desperately push against Connor’s chest. I’m trying so hard to bring life back into him. To get him to breathe.

I just need one breath. He has to wake up. He has to come back.

Push, push, breathe, breathe.

Nothing, nothing.

Tears stream down my face now, a torrential downpour of tears mixing with the salty droplets of ocean that are all over his body. My arms are shaking, starting to give out from my endless attempts to save him. “Damn it, Connor!” I scream, pushing so hard against his sternum I’m convinced I’ve broken something by now.

And still, nothing happens.

The love of my life is lifeless in front of me.

A strong hand lands on my shoulder and I look up to see the face of a paramedic. Someone else from his team pulls me off Connor and resumes the compressions I was just frantically giving. I scramble in the sand, trying to find my way back to Connor.

I have to help them.

I have to bring him back to life.

He can’t leave me.

The team does the same thing I was doing.

Push, push, breathe, breathe.

Nothing, nothing.

Every part of me dies when they pronounce him dead. My soul is ripped right out of me and thrown into the ocean.

Connor is dead.

Because of me.

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