Page 32 of The Consequence of Loving Me

Am I fucked up for thinking it’s beautiful?

Call me a bitch, but I think it is.

I take the mental snapshot and fall back into the water. I hear him yell right before my face goes under water, but I take my time coming back up.

When I finally do break the surface of the water, Connor is racing toward me—the water now up to his hips—and gaining on me fast.

“Get away from me! We’re ending this right now. You can leave now.” I slowly begin to walk backward, my toes squishing in the sand beneath my feet. I’m good at faking things, so the forced boredom in my tone hits home judging by the look on his face.

He runs a hand through the long, curly waves of the mop that is his hair. “God, you’re so crazy sometimes.”

His words send a spear right through my heart, and in that moment, I swear I can feel my chest being stabbed over and over. Rage quickly replaces the hurt—my favorite defense mechanism.

There she is.

I almost smile. I’d rather be pissed off than hurt any day. “Then leave, Connor! Turn around and get in your car and never speak to me again because I’m so damn crazy.” Tears escape my eyes even against my sheer willpower to keep them in. “I am crazy! Loving you makes me absolutely crazy and you’re right. I can’t explain it, but I am crazy.”

He steps closer to me, his hand outspread and reaching for me.

I almost let him touch me. I almost give up the fight and run into his arms—the only place I ever want to be anymore.

“Veronica…” His voice is just a whisper above the waves.

All I hear is pity. Not love, not hurt, just pity. And that’s the worst thing of all.

So just before his outspread fingers find my skin and make me forget why we were even fighting to begin with, I dive my head under the water, letting the cold wash over me.

When I resurface, he’s in the same spot, glaring at me. There’s so much anger on his face. I hate that I put it there, but I don’t hate it as much as he’s made me feel.

“Fine, Veronica. Two can play that game.” He swims into the water, but instead of diving toward the shore, he goes deeper into the ocean. Away from me, and even farther then I am from the shore.

I dive in to find him, but I can’t see anything. The sun has now set, making it almost impossible to see a thing. I want to find him, to tell him he can’t go that far into the ocean when the tide is like this. He knows better. We’ve been told about the dangers of the ocean since we were learning the alphabet. Kids that live by the water are always told these things.

My eyes burn from the salt water as I try to find him. My chest starts to feel heavy, alerting me to the fact that I need air. I stay down a few seconds longer and look around before I finally push against the squishy ocean floor and send myself up. My head breaks through the water. I push my long hair out of my face, looking around in the dark for him.

“Connor?” I ask quietly, while treading water. I keep moving forward until my feet hit the ground. I keep walking until half my body is out of the water. “Connor!” I say louder this time, scanning the expanse of the beach and the water as I search for him.

My heart starts pounding in my chest. I don’t see him anywhere. I calculate in my head if he had enough time to get out of the water and make it all the way back to his car in the minute I was under water.

It’s possible, but in my gut, I know he wouldn’t leave me like that.

Where is he?

There is a loud splash and I quickly spin to see him break through the waves. My heart plummets.

“Ronnie!” he yells, struggling against the water. His arms wave in the air, slapping against the water in a torturous sound.

I’m making my way toward him as fast as I can when he goes underneath again. I scream, quickly pumping my arms and legs in the water to try and make it to him.

But he doesn’t come up.

It’s taking too long for him to come up.

Where the hell is he?!

I frantically dive below the surface of the water repeatedly, feeling the water around me for any part of his body. Each time, I come up with nothing.

My eyes are stinging from opening them so many times in the water. My lungs are burning from screaming and from holding my breath for so long.

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