Page 74 of My Favorite Sin

“You’ll need it for where we’re spending the day. Happy birthday, beautiful.” He holds out two tickets.

I step beside him and read the tickets.Classical Age Music Fair.

“Okay, I actually love this.” I hug Liam, smiling. “This is an amazing present. Thank you.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Here’s your costume. A dress with a neckline just like the one we saw inAmadeus.” He winks, passing a garment bag to me.

I laugh, remembering how full the actress’s cleavage was and swat Liam’s arm. “Give me a minute to get dressed. I’ll be right back.”

Liam and I arrive at the fair midmorning, held in Manhattan at the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts.

Right where the Juilliard campus is.

I try not to let the Juilliard part be a hindrance on my mood. Liam doesn’t know that for years I had my heart set on attending Juilliard. He planned a perfect day for us and I’m going to enjoy it. And honestly, the fair looks incredible. It’s held out in the open, in the plaza. The weather is cool, being mid-November, but I have this massive ballgown and cashmere wrap to keep me warm.

All the attendees are dressed in costumes much like ours. Everywhere I look, there’s some attraction luring mein, from the many market stalls selling Classical composer merchandise, to musical artefacts from hundreds of years ago on display. Spread all throughout the plaza are performances of chamber music and solo performances. There are demonstrations of instruments being crafted from scratch. Antique instruments are available to play. Tonight, there will be a banquet and masquerade ball.

Everything about the event is exquisite.

Which leaves me confused when out of nowhere, my throat starts to ache. My chin wobbles and my eyes water.

“Where would you like to visit first?” Liam asks.

“Um.” My voice breaks. Embarrassment hits hard over how emotional I suddenly am. What the hell is wrong with me?

Liam taking me to this fair is a thoughtful gift and I’m so excited to be here. But there’s a feeling within my chest I can’t explain. I don’t know if the reminder of Juilliard has triggered a stress response in me, or if this is something else.

I work hard to make my next words sound strong. “Maybe we can get a bite to eat.”

“Yeah, I’m starving. Let’s check out what food they have.”

My jaw clenches. I wipe my eyes, trying to ward off the tears. The last thing I want is for Liam to see me crying, especially after all the effort he’s gone to today.

While Liam passes our entry tickets to an attendant, I readjust my hair, pulling it forward to hide my face. I take a deep breath, attempting to calm myself, but the weight of my ballgown and how tightly strung it is around my waist makes it hard to breathe. My skin itches. I’m suddenly hot. Too hot. My neck feels like it’s burning up. My arms stiffen, locking at my sides.

Thiscan’tbe happening right now. I haven’t had a panic attack in months, since before returning from Paris. I need to get a hold on myself. I cannot start crying and lose control just because I’m feeling out of sorts.

But knowing I’m on the brink of a panic attack makes my emotions more rampant and harder to keep under control.

“So, food.” Liam takes my hand and starts walking, turning back to me with concern in his eyes. “Wow, you’re clammy. Are you feeling all right?”

I wipe my hands on my dress and continue forward, not letting him see my face. “Just hot.”

The sounds of the fair grow louder as we walk deeper into the plaza, a jumble of voices and instrumental music. I recognize one of my favorite tunes, but it does nothing to calm me. All of the surrounding noises are too overpowering. People are cluttered in the walkways, bumping into me. I’m in complete sensory overload and feel trapped, like I need to push my head out of a window and gasp for fresh air.

“Oh, Italian. Feel like eating pizza?” Liam points to a nearby food stall.

“I… need to find a restroom. I’ll be back soon. Just… enjoy yourself.” I rush off, pushing my way through the crowd in search for a quiet space where I can have a moment alone to compose myself.

Liam calls after me with alarm. I don’t look back. Perhaps I’m being rude, but I don’t want Liam to see me like this. It’s humiliating and I wouldn’t even know how to explain any of these feelings to him when I don’t understand them myself.

With Liam out of sight, my tears fall free. I continue nudging through the crowd, heading to the edge of theplaza, relieved when I spot a nook within the buildings up ahead.

Finally, I lose the crowd and enter the nook, finding myself in an isolated crevice where the blaring noise of the fair is dampened. I loosen the drawstrings on the back of my costume and slump against the brick wall, closing my eyes and attempting to center myself with deep breaths.

With each breath in, I think back to that night when I was sixteen, having a panic attack at a party and where Dan was able to calm me. I visualize him in front of me now, holding my shoulders and telling me to maintain eye contact while I take deep breaths as he counts to four.

My phone vibrates in my cleavage. I tell myself to ignore it and focus on the counting. But the vibrations distract me. I reach into my bra to switch my phone off, stopping when I see Dan’s name on the screen.

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