Page 16 of My Favorite Sin

Once the applause for my piano performance fades, the evening continues with wait staff handing out champagne to the guests. Polite chatter takes place among the crowd, and there’s gentle background music.

“Honey, that was wonderful.” Mom joins my side as I fold down the piano lid. “Thank you so much for playing. Everyone loved it.”

“I’m always happy to help out at these events.”

“Careful. I might hold you to your word. We have a lot of upcoming events over the next few months.”

“I’ll perform at all of them.” They’ll be the only performance opportunities I have from now on.

“Wonderful, honey. Okay, I have to run through my speech one more time. Wish me luck. How do I look?”

Absolutely stunning. She’s both sophisticated and powerful in a gown the color of lilac flowers. I helped Mom choose her outfit. She picked out a dress for me too. It’s pastel pink with a large bow at the back, short puffy princess sleeves, and knee-length tulle for the skirt. The dress is girly and a little flirty and I love it. We spent the afternoon getting dressed together, curling each other’s hair and doing our makeup.

As for this speech she’s giving tonight, I listened to her rehearse at home, recounting all the struggles she went through with her ex, how she was a young, single mom without much of an income and didn’t know how to leave their toxic relationship, but how she found the strength for me. She didn’t believe there was a man she could ever open her heart to again, but her love for Josh and his sons proved her wrong. She speaks about how she was fortunate to have the support of family members when she left her ex but that many victims of domestic violence don’t have support, and that’s why Forever Families has opened a shelter for victims seeking refuge. The speech is so inspiring it made me teary.

“You look incredible, Mom. Strong and like no one would dare lay a hand on you.”

She holds my shoulder, smiling at me with sentiment.

“What’s that look for?” I ask.

“Nothing. You’ve just grown into such a beautiful young lady. Though, you’ll always be my little girl. Your father would be proud.”

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

She babies me too much, but I let Mom do her thing, knowing it makes her happy. I’m surprised she let me livein Paris for a year, though I didn’t go without almost daily phone calls from her checking up on me.

My whole life, I’ve strived to please my mother and be the perfect daughter for her. When we lived with her ex, she was always so sad, and I quickly learned the best way to bring life back to her eyes and a smile on her face was if I excelled at school and performed well on the piano. I was her only happiness during that dark period. When Josh entered my life, my desire to please Mom spread to him too, and he was more than receptive, proud to have a role model child.

In a depressing way, sometimes it feels like Mom and Josh only like me when I act in a certain manner. It’s not just them, but the public too. The media. Everyone here tonight. They all praise me when I’m the picture-perfect daughter. The talented musician.

Not Dan.

He likes me however I am.

The more fucked up I am, the more he likes me.

A tightness coils low within me just thinking about my most depraved moments with him. The moments when I feel most alive. I wish those moments didn’t feel so wrong.

I brush my hair back from my shoulders, attempting to cool myself down from thoughts of Dan, and return my focus to Mom. “Speaking of my dad, did you ever find that photo of him?” The only photo we have of the three of us, taken in the hospital when I was born. It used to sit in our living room and I’d look at it every day. When we moved in with Josh, the photo somehow got misplaced and we haven’t seen it in years. We don’t speak about my father a whole lot, but the last time he was mentioned, Mom said she was going to do a deep clean through our home in the city tofind it.

“Honey, I don’t know where that photo has gone. But I promise you we will find it. Okay, I really need to practice this speech one last time. Killian is around here somewhere if you want someone to talk to.”

He catches my eye in the distance, talking to a girl. From the way they’re smiling at each other, I’ll take a guess that he’s chatting her up, which I have no plans to interrupt.

“I’m fine. I’d like to step outside for some fresh air.”

We part ways and I head out to the balcony where the lights are dim and the ocean waves drown out the voices of everyone inside the gallery. After a deep breath of the salty sea breeze, I step up to the railing and rest my forearms on the banister, gazing out at the night and feeling so… lonely and miserable, even while being surrounded by hundreds of people at this evening’s event.

Within a few moments, my vision adjusts to the night and I gaze out at the moon’s shimmering reflection on the dark sea. Below me, on the shoreline, a bunch of people are on the beach. They’re young, perhaps younger than me, all scattered along the sand and heading to the left. I follow their trail with my eyes, finding a bonfire party farther down the beach.

People are dancing around the flames. They’re drinking and making out. A guy strips out of his clothes, completely naked, and people cheer as he runs into the water for what looks like a dare.

This is the exact kind of party Dan would always be at back in high school. I went along with him once and it was horrible. I didn’t fit in, and it felt like Dan was babysitting me, making sure I had someone to talk to. While we were socializing in a group, he was bringing up topics that I’m interested in but that no one else cared for. I could tell none of the girls actually wanted to talk to me. It was Dan theywere after, and it made me feel even more pathetic than I am.

I can’t blame Dan when he was only trying to take care of me. But knowing how awkward I am, that I needed someone to hold my hand at a party, made me freeze up and be even less able to talk, and ended with a panic attack. I hated that I was a burden to Dan.

After that, I never attended one of those parties again.

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