Page 61 of It's Always Us

There’s a long pause. Nothing but darkness, and it takes everything in me to wait. Waiting is not in my nature, but I need her to talk to me. Just when I think she’s not going to say anything more, she lets out a long breath.

“I can’t keep loving you from afar. It hurts too much. I’m not even sure if I’m just loving the memory or if there’s love for the man you are now.”

Her brutal honesty is a bullet to my chest that sends shrapnel soaring, but it’s what I need. It’s what we need if we even have a chance.

I think for a moment, knowing it’s my turn now. “For the last eight years, football is all I’ve had. It had to be. I didn’t have anything else. I know how unfair these past months have been. I’ve made promises and broken them. I’m sorry. I’m having trouble figuring out how to be both what you need and do my job.”

She rolls on her side, her face inches from mine, and I want to grab it and beg her to stay with me. She tucks her arms between us, setting up aclear boundary. I’ve never hated her arms so much, but I’ll tolerate them for now.

“This isn’t just about me. I get that.” Her voice remains soft, but there’s an ache to it. “That might be the hardest part. I wish I could be pissed at you or hate you, but . . . in all the time we’ve been apart, you’ve built a life for yourself. This life. An amazing life. I don’t know how I can fit into that. Howwecan fit into it.”

Her admission about being scared comes flying back at me like a rogue missile. I need to know all the things she’s afraid of, and I will blast those assholes to pieces. If my job and what it requires is one of them, then I know how to take that one out.

“I’ll quit. I’ll retire.” I cross her clearly drawn line and push a strand of hair away from her eye. “This is the only thing that matters now. You and our baby. I haven’t shown it or acted like it, but I suck at living without you.”

“I think you’ve done just fine.” Her voice is so soft, but I don’t miss the slight quiver in it, making my own throat grow tight. “You can’t quit.”

“Like hell, I can’t.” I tip her chin up, wanting her to look at me. “I would’ve given it all up back then if I’d known—”

“Don’t say things like that. This is everything I wanted for you.”

“But I’ve been walking around this whole time with my heart missing.”

She pulls away, creating more room between us. “Mark, we don’t even know each other anymore. I don’t know your life or what you’re doing most of the time, and you don’t know mine. We’ve changed. Everything about us has changed.”

“We can fix that. We just have to give it a chance.”

“How? You don’t even know where you’ll be playing next season, and when you do, what will that change? You’ll still be living your life somewhere, and I’ll be back home.”

My skin is suddenly hot as a wave of panic rolls through me. I don’t have the answers to any of her questions, and I won’t make any more promises I can’t keep.

“Lex, I can’t lose you. Not again. I don’t know how we’ll make this work, but we will.” I inhale, my throat stinging with heartache. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to be with you. I hate this. I want you in the stands at my games. I want you in my bed every night. I want to seeyour face and kiss your mouth and never have to be without any of that again.”

There’s nothing but silence, and my panic turns manic until I hear a sniff. I’m done with personal space and risk the pain of reaching for her.

“Mark, I’m so scared to screw this all up. I can’t do that to this baby.”

I tug her flush against me, holding her tight. She scoots closer, resting her head on my good shoulder. “It’s going to be ok. I don’t know how quite yet, but it will. I promise.”

I lay in the dark, her body next to mine, searching for answers and coming up with none. The severe pressure in my chest rivals the joy of her small bump tucked safely up against me.

There’s not even a choice in this. Only one thing can be, and that’s for the three of us to be a family. I’m not sure how we do that or what that looks like, but I’ll do whatever it takes for usto be together.

Chapter 20

LEX

I wake up, my cheek pressed against the soft white sheets filled with the masculine smell I’ve craved since our one night in Vegas. His warm, muscular body is pressed against mine, and his hand is splayed across my stomach. I smile despite all the remaining unanswered questions that drift around us.

I lay still, needing to memorize the feel of every single inch of his body, but before I can, his fingers move, and his hand is gone. He groans as he stretches. Without the distraction of his warmth, the burning ache of hunger roars through me.

I roll on my back to peek at him, and I’m met with that grin. The one that makes my insides quiver and want to pull the sheet over my head and hide.

“What?” I ask, his face way too handsome and smug.

“Now, I know what it’s actually like to sleep with you.” I shove him gently, and he grabs my wrist, holding it to his chest. “I like it. Not that I don’t likenotsleeping with you.”

I hide my face in the pillow, and he laughs.

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