Page 148 of It's Always Us

She doesn’t move, but a single tear drips down her rough, sunken-in cheek.

I take a breath and let it out. “Lex and I are a family. We could have been a family years ago. You won’t take that from me again. Let Bree be a part of that. I’ll fight if I have to, and I can guarantee you won’t win.”

A new confidence blazes within me. I wait until she meets my eyes. “You put her first before. Do it again.”

I’ll give her that. She let Bree go before, when she knew she couldn’t be who she needed to be.

I take a second to reel myself in and ask what I’ve wondered since the night Cal called Lex. “Why are you here? Why now?”

She stares at the wall behind me. A damp streak is still evident on her cheek. Just when I’m about ready to give up, her soft voice surprises me.

“Seeing you, facing you, has been my single greatest fear. And also my biggest dream come true.” She sniffs as another tear escapes. “I’m weak. Fear won out.” She finally meets my eyes. “I know what I am. What I did to you and what I didn’t do for you.”

I want to tell her she has no idea because she was stoned out of her mind, but I keep my mouth shut.

“There is no punishment that will ever be greater than the regret and guilt I carry for . . . ” Her voice breaks. “Not being any kind of mother to you. I’ve lived with that every day and watched you become everything you never should have been because of me.” She leans forward, bringing her cuffed hands to her face. “I . . . I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I want it to mean something, but it doesn’t right now. There’s a flicker of hope in me that someday it will.

“I have an amazing family,” I say softly. “Filled with so much love, it’s unbearable sometimes. Let me give her that.”

“I can’t let you take her away from me.” It’s a knife to the gut. “She’s all I have.”

“Let me give her what you can’t.”

She wipes her face with her hands. “She’ll forget about me.”

I choose my words carefully, knowing their meaning will strike, but I need them to. “Believe me, she couldn’t forget about you even if shetried.” She blinks her tears away to lock eyes with me. “Let her hold on to the good memories.”

I give it a second, and then I stand. I take one last look at my mother, unable to think about how things might have been different. I move to the door, but I hear her say my name and stop as it rips something wide open in my chest.

“Do you think there’s a chance . . . you could ever forgive me?”

There’s a burn in my throat that’s so severe I have to breathe through it.

I stare at the woman who dragged me into this world, knowing it was most definitely not by choice. I tell her the only truth I know. “My entire life has been nothing but hope and chances. A chance to escape my circumstances and the hell I lived in. A chance with coaches and teams. A chance with the woman of my dreams, and I was damn lucky to get more than one with her.” I meet my mother’s dark, bloodshot eyes. “I believe in chances, but there will never be one if you don’t help yourself.”

I take a step back, needing distance. “But don’t do it for me. Do it for Bree. She deserves to have what neither of us ever did.”

Her hand goes over her mouth as tears spill over the black circles surrounding her sunken eyes. “Sign those papers . . . Mom.”

Chapter 47

LEX

I sit tipped back in Grandpa’s squeaky, worn-through office chair, which I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get out of. A mass of pink and blue balloons surrounds me. So many they’d likely elevate a tank if tied together.

I slide my finger underneath another piece of tape to open one of the few remaining gifts. Krissy steps forward to snap another picture while all the guys sip beer from their lawn chairs and keep their ears tuned into the baseball game blaring on the old radio.

I peek over at Mark and Bree, who are in deep debate about which Taylor Swift song is the best. Mark, taking every opportunity to show her his deplorable vocal skills. They’re two peas in a pod, and over these past few weeks, I’ve only seen further proof of what an amazing father he’ll be.

He catches me staring and winks before that sexy smirk takes over his mouth like he just got away with something. But today, that sly smile doesn’t quite hold its normal level of self-assured cockiness.

After visiting Linda, he’s been in his head. His normal, playful self has been absent. Everything in me wants to get him out of here and haul him away from the pain that dwells in this place for him. I want my Mark back. The one who beams and lives high on life.

“What the ff . . . hell is that?” Carson says, his beer can halfway to his lips.

I hold up the box containing the wearable breast pump I picked out.

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