Page 85 of Unexpected Boyfriends

And then, despite everything I’ve done, how I’ve pushed him away, Axel is here comforting me. I cry even harder then, hardly believing this man that I love so much, cares so deeply about me that he refuses to let me succumb to my despair and is here, pulling me back from the darkest of places.

My sobs subside under the soothing caress of his hand, and slowly I come back. This man loves me, despite everything. And if he can love me, then I must be lovable, right?

The storm passes. I’m grateful that he doesn’t feel the need to speak. In the aftermath of the maelstrom of emotions, I have no words. I kiss his hand and pull him down to lie with me, and reunited we find sleep.

The next day is hard, though. I’m angry at myself for allowing myself to succumb to their stupid manipulations, and I’m sad that I hurt Axel last night. I’m sad for myself too. I’m scared I’m screwing up a really good thing. I'm scared there's no way back.

When I apologize, Axel just shrugs and tries to shoulder some of the blame. It’s not his to bear though. The bigots with their manipulations are culpable, but it’s us who’s paying the price. He thinks he’s responsible for my breakdown last night, but he’s not. I hadn’t told him about the aversion therapy that I'd endured… so he couldn’t know I would react like I did. And honestly, I didn’t think I would either, since intellectually I knew what they were doing, and yet… I’d reacted instinctively and without logical thought. It’s chilling, how they’ve twisted my mind, bypassing my conscious thoughts. Will I ever be free of this?

I’m afraid. When Axel goes home, I’ll be here trying to deal with all this stuff in my head alone. So yeah, I’m afraid.

And then Axel offers to stay. No, hetellsme he’s staying. Thank god.

I don’t have to do this alone.

Chapter 35

Melbourne

AXEL

“Of course, you can stay here!” exclaims Max’s grandmother when I broach the subject with her. I’ve only told her a little of what happened last night, because I don’t want to betray Justin’s privacy. I think she must have heard the door slam though.

She witnessed the fallout when Max came out to his family years ago, and although Justin’s case is different, of course, she knows he’s going to need as much support as possible as he navigates the next few months.

“You can stay as long as you like,” she tells me. “I think it’s a wise decision. I suspect he’s a lot more fragile than he’s letting on.”

Thinking about his breakdown last night, I have to agree. He’s been functioning really well given what he’s been through, but the necessity of escape had forced him to keep going. Now the immediate danger is gone, maybe we’ll see more and more the effects of the so-called 'therapy'. I hate that they even use the word ‘therapy’… ‘torture’ might be more appropriate terminology.

“Thanks. I think he needs this. And to be honest, I do too.”

Gran nods understandingly. “He’s lucky to have such a devoted boyfriend. A lot of guys would run in this situation.”

I feel the heat in my cheeks as they redden. “I know he’s younger than me, and inexperienced, but um, I’m serious about him,” I admit, slightly embarrassed by this admission.

A warm body with messy brown-blond hair sticking out in all directions plops down on the seat next to me and rests his head on my shoulder.

“I am too,” he says, looking up at me with his beautiful grey eyes soft and dreamy. He’s looking at me with eyes filled with affection, but I can see the exhaustion and sadness too.

I put my arm around him.

Gran snorts.

“I think I’ll leave you two to it. If I’m going to have two young men as house guests for a while, I’d better go buy some food. Axel, do you need to stay out of sight too, or …?

I shake my head. “I don’t think so. No-one’s likely to be looking for me. Although, I probably do need to let my parents know I’ll be out of town for a while, so they don’t decideI’vegone missing.”

“Do you think they’ll find that suspicious?”

“Maybe. But I do leave Sydney for work from time to time, so maybe not. I’ll email them, I think. Avoid any awkward questions.”

When Gran leaves to go shopping, with strict instructions that we are not to open the door for anyone, I fetch my laptop, and Justin and I retreat to the living room to watch a movie.

While Justin scrolls through the movie streaming offerings, I open up my laptop and quickly type an email to my parents telling them I’ve gone away for work and won’t be home for a few weeks. I hitSendand close the laptop. Justin stretches out on the couch, the weight of his head comfortable on my thigh as the movie starts. I lean down and gently kiss his head, then comb my fingers through the silky soft strands of his hair as we watch the movie.

JUSTIN

We manage to find a counselor who has experience with clients who’ve been subjected to conversion therapy similar to me, and I begin regular online sessions with her.

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