Page 84 of Unexpected Boyfriends

I open the bedroom door. He’s face down sobbing into his pillow and so immersed in his misery that he doesn’t hear me enter. Even in the dim light I see his body shuddering with the force of the sobs wracking him, and it’s not until the mattress sinks as I sit on the edge of the bed and place a hand on his back that he becomes aware of my presence. If it’s even possible, he starts crying harder, the sobs completely decimating his slight frame. I wonder if I’ve made a mistake coming in. Then… his body stills and the sobs soften and slowly subside into gulps and sniffles as I silently rub circles on his back.

I don’t know how long we sit like that. Quite some time, if the cramp in my twisted back is anything to judge by, but it doesn’t matter how uncomfortable I am, I won’t stop as long as he’s accepting my comfort.

Eventually, Justin reaches around and grasps my hand. Without speaking, he kisses it and pulls me down onto the bed beside him, drags the quilt up over us, and we fall asleep like that, scrunched up against each other on his single bed.

Morning finds us still huddled together, as the rays of sunshine peek around the gaps between the curtains.

When my eyes open, Justin is already awake. He looks at me with those beautiful grey eyes tinged with sadness and uncertainty.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he says, looking embarrassed. He hesitates. “I’m really not okay, am I?”

“Mmm. You will be,” I try to reassure him. “We just went a little fast. I’m sorry.”

“Nah. It’s not you. I think… I really do need therapy. There was… stuff I didn’t tell you in my letters. Things they did… I think that was why I reacted like that last night. I thought because I really wanted it, that it would be fine, but it wasn’t.” Justin’s voice trails off. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I know I must have.”

I pull him closer.

“None of this is your fault. And yes, I was upset, not about the sex, but because you shut me out. I was worried about you, and when you pushed me away, I didn’t know what to do anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” he buries his head in my shoulder.

“I’m not leaving.”

“Me neither.”

“No, I mean. I’m not going back to Sydney. I’ll fix things so I can work from down here, but I don’t want to leave you.”

“Really?” Justin looks at me with such relief in his eyes that I wish I’d thought to do this sooner.

“I don’t think I’d be able to concentrate on anything anyway, if I went back, and I’d rather be here with you.” I place a soft kiss on the top of his head. I can’t bear the thought of him going through this alone. Staying with him makes sense for both of us.

“Thank you,” he whispers. “I’d feel much better if you stayed. I know it’s a lot to ask…”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering. I want to,” I tell him. “I’ll talk to Max’s grandma today and see if I can stay here. Otherwise, I’ll find some place nearby. I’ll look into getting you a therapist too.”

“Axel?”

“Mmm?”

He hesitates.

“What happens if they can’t fix this? If I can’t ever get to having sex without freaking out?”

“I don’t think that’ll happen,” I tell him, hoping like hell I’m right. “But if it does, then we’ll deal, okay? It’s not the end of the world. Not all guys are into anal. And there’s lots of other stuff we can do that doesn’t trigger you. We’ll be fine, either way. Promise.”

Can I actually promise that? Yes, I think I can. Fucking is great, but it’s not worth more to me than Justin, so if I had to choose? Justin, every time. Would I resent Justin for it? No, never, butIwouldresent the hell out of the bastards who’ve done this to him, but I’m going to hate them anyway. So yes, I can promise this.

“Never going to let you go,” I murmur into his soft dirty-blond hair.

JUSTIN

I’m angry at myself.

I wanted Axel. I wanted to be his, in all the ways one man can be for another. I love him! And I trust him. God, how much I trust him. And yet… there was that moment when the hateful ideas they’d buried deep in my brain snaked their way out and poisoned what had been, until then, a perfectly wonderful acknowledgement of our affection.

I completely freaked out. It was worse than that even. Almost on cue, a wave of self-disgust and shame rolled over me, triggered by what we were doing. I remembernow, the sessions where I was conditioned for this very specific scenario, but in the moment, I just reacted. In my self-hatred, I lashed out at the one I should hurt the least. In that moment IknewI was unlovable, so I pushed him away. I shut him out.

And then, later, I felt the full pain of my aloneness. Unlovable, unloved, alone. Adrift. I’d thrown away my anchor, and now there was nothing to tether me to this world. Why try? Ashamed and in despair, my thoughts turned to dark, dark places. Maybe it would be better that way. Put an end to this terrible ache in my psyche, this unbearable loneliness, the knowledge that I was truly alone, and undeserving of more. I cried.

---