Page 55 of Unexpected Boyfriends

What happened? Everything seemed fine – better than, actually – up until and including our last night together. Did I fuck up there somehow? But we’d both enjoyed it, hadn’t we? Now I’m full of self-doubt. Maybe I’d enjoyed it and missed the signs that Justin wasn’t happy about…something. Could that be it? But surely he would have said something? Or I would have noticed something was wrong afterwards? I'm starting to doubt myself.

As weeks go by and I don’t hear from him, I come to the sad realization I’m not going to. At first, I try to put it behind me by going out socializing, but I’m lousy company, morose and withdrawn, and my friends quickly get sick of my sorry self and tell me to get over myself.

Deano is the most sympathetic, but even he won’t put up with my misery for long.

“Mate, I know it sucks, but I warned you someone was gonna get hurt. It was never gonna work anyway. Move on, brother.”

And I do, sort of. I function, kind of. I still work. I still swim and surf. But I feel kinda dead inside. Super-sad, and hopeless. When I get down to the surf in the morning and the sky is grey and the ocean dark and sullen, I just think, yeah, that’s my life. Maybe a shark will find me. I don’t think I really mean it but shit, this hurts.

I suppose this is what depression is. I sleep fitfully on the nights I sleep at all. Dark pits form beneath my eyes. I catch a look at myself in the bathroom mirror one morning and hardly recognize the stranger with flat, lifeless eyes.

I’ve had heartaches before, but they haven’t been like this.

When my parents come home from lunch at the Beechams’ one Sunday and give me the news that Justin is happy with his new girlfriend, I die a little inside.

I feel sad, and maybe a little bit used. With the speed with which he’s found a girlfriend and the way he’s dropped me, it seems like I was just a bit of experimentation. I always knew his star was going to shine brighter than mine, but I let myself fall anyway.

As the weeks drift into months, I learn to live like this. The ache is still there, and I’m not sure it will ever go, so I just have to deal. I try not to think about Justin, shutting down my thoughts if they stray that way. Maybe I’m finally moving on.

Then one night I’m lying on my bed in the dark, watching the night sky through the bedroom window, and I catch sight of Orion’s belt. It reminds me of Justin. A sudden yearning for him rushes through me, and for a while I forget the doubts and thefears and just remember what it was like, us together, that night we lay on the beach and looked up at the stars.

A lone tear slides out of my eye, landing on the pillow.

Could things really have changed so much?

And a girlfriend? I don’t really believe it, though I suppose he could be bi.

What’s going on, Justin?

Am I just an idiot that can’t accept he’s been dumped? Or is something else going on?

I fall asleep still looking at Orion’s belt. Wondering.

Chapter 21

Where is he?

AXEL

Clearly my subconscious has been working overnight, because when I wake the next morning, a new idea is circulating in my head.

I won’t be able to concentrate on work until I action this, so I start up my laptop and look up Justin’s social media accounts. As before, they're inactive, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm trying to figure out who his friends are. When I do, I attempt to make contact with some of them, and ask about him. Then I sit back and wait for someone, anyone, to reply to me.

It takes a couple of hours, but eventually my phone pings. I almost drop it in my haste to pick it up. Yes! One of Justin’s friends has answered, but the answer is not what I’m expecting.

They haven’t heard anything from him since April either. But - and this is just a rumour - someone had mentioned that he went away with his parents.

This should be reassuring I guess, but...

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do.

I still don’t know if he’s dumped me. Maybe he has.

With no clues as to where he’s gone, and the knowledge that it can’t bethatbad if it’s something with his parents, I have no choice but to keep waiting, and hoping, and to carry on with my life.

But months pass. I don't think any family holiday lasts this long and especially not in the final year of school. There is no doubt now. I'm being ghosted. No goodbye, no breakup text, nothing... just nothing. Maybe his friends are in on it too. I know this stuff happens, I do. But I didn't think Justin would do it. And I don't understand why he's gone to so much trouble to keep me out of his life.

I drag myself through the days. I work. I talk to clients. I go to bed early and lie awake most of the night. I'm functioning but little more than that.

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