Page 57 of Desperately Yours

Bishop was right. It dictated every choice I made. Her gloved hand curved around the crook of my elbow, and I escorted her toward the thrones. One for Father. One for Mother. One for me, and I noted a second smaller throne had been added for her.

Like a knife in my gut, I took my space with Sadira beside me, occupying the spot I intended for Michaela. As soon as we were seated, the room rose, chatter resumed, and I did my best to keep from showing how badly my heart had shattered to pieces.

Micheala

My head went light and airy as if all the oxygen had burned up in an instant. I wasn’t scared of heights, or rather, I had never been scared of heights before. But standing there, staring at the fall that waited on me, I felt a healthy phobia sprout to life.

“You can’t wait,” I coached myself. “You have to go.”

Yes, best to get going before that rational voice told me all the ways I could die again. Tentatively, I lowered myself to the edge of the window and stretched toward the ledge. My feet touched down, surprisingly steady on the skinny foothold. I kept a tight grip on the edge of the window as I twisted to face the wall. I felt like a toddler lowering herself down from a stage to the ground, except a toddler wouldn’t bonk her head and I would splatter into Michaela goo if something went wrong.

Breathing had to be controlled, and thoughts were next in line. I couldn’t allow my breathing to speed up too fast or my thoughts to race ahead of me. I really couldn’t allow myself even a moment to consider what I was doing. Even without letting go, I felt like I was shaking from head to toe with fear I refused to acknowledge. I kept my feet planted on the ledge as I moved, opting to slide rather than step. Logic said it was better to face the wall, so I didn’t have to look out at my possible fall, but with every new step, my balance faltered and left me feeling vulnerable. I had nothing to hold, and with my palms against the stonework, I felt unstable, like at any second my backside would pull me in reverse and send me plummeting to my death. I had to turn around.

I snuck a glance at my progress. New sections of ledge were illuminated as I moved around the curve in the tower. In about eight feet, a gargoyle sprouted from the turret. Because of the sculpture, the ledge swelled out another five or six inches. It would give me something to hang onto while I turned, and maybe enough space to do it without losing my balance.

My fingers locked around the open mouth of the screaming stone goblin. Tightening my grip, I shifted and started to turn. I dared not breathe because I felt like the extra oxygen might tip me over the edge. I changed my grip and one of the teeth on the gargoyle cut into my hand. Wincing, I forced myself to deal with it. I exhaled slowly and started edging around the statue.

Immediately, I understood the new risk. The drop surrounded me on every side. With a harness and a team of burly men keeping me from falling, it would have been beautiful. The lights of the city looked like a sea of stars, twinkling and winking as if they all knew I was there. With nothing in front of me, I felt like I was flying or walking on air. With a shaky step, I slid to the left. My fingers curved around the stonework behind me, though I knew it would do little to save me if I fell. Every five or six steps, I had to stop, let out a shaky breath, and allow a couple tears to fall. I was standing on the brink of death’s door, one wrong move away from claiming me as its victim. Another gargoyle blocked my way, but as I considered flipping back to save myself from the view, I noticed another ledge below the one I was standing on. If I could lower myself to that one, I would be that much closer to the ground. Maybe something else would show up on that path, because if I kept on the current one, I was just going to end up where I started.

The daredevil in my mind had me convinced all over again. Hanging onto the gargoyle, I lowered myself to sit on the ledge. Just like in the window, I rolled onto my stomach and lowered myself until I felt the ledge underneath me.

“Don’t think,” I reminded myself. It wasn’t a luxury I could afford. Instead, I started moving again. One step turned to six, six to nine, and then I found another gargoyle. Clutching its wide-open mouth, I chanced a glance over the side. Sure enough, another ledge waited for me.

Could I follow this pattern all the way down? Was that feasible? Or was my luck running out with each one?

Once more, I didn’t allow myself time to think. A lower ledge meant I would be closer to the ground. Closer to the ground meant safer. More importantly, it meant I would be closer to Fitz.

I wrapped my grip into the gargoyle’s mouth, careful not to catch my bleeding hand on anything else. With uneven breathing, I lowered myself, twisted my body, and stretched my toes toward the ledge below me. It wasn’t as close as the last one. The more I stretched, the more I flailed in the open air. I groaned as my foot still didn’t find stability.

“Come on,” I whispered. Panic was creeping up on me, helping me see that it was only a matter of time before I realized just how much danger I was in. My foot scraped, but only barely. The ledge was there and it was directly below me. In theory, all I had to do was let go and I would land on it. But then I also knew that meant trusting that everything would go right, when there was a chance nothing would. Once more, I faced death by falling.

“You gotta do this,” I told myself. “It’s a three-inch fall at most. Just let go and—”

My grip slipped. It was as if my brain knew it would have to trick me into letting go. I fell, but within a second, my feet landed squarely on the ledge. I exhaled and curled my fingers into the ridges of the rough stone wall.

A nervous giggle burbled up in my chest. Relief or stress from hypothermia, or I don’t know, just gratitude I wasn’t dead brought it out of me. I exhaled and inhaled again, trying toregulate my heart that raced out of control. I was a good twenty, maybe twenty-five feet closer to the ground. Falling would still mean immediate death, but at least I had a process at this point. Maybe there was another window I could crawl through part of the way down. I slid another step to the left, hopeful for the first time. This was working. I slid another two steps. That was what I needed to focus on. It wasn’t fast, but it was progress. I slid another step to the left. All I needed to do was—

Crack!

The ledge gave way beneath my feet. My hands flailed to gain purchase on the stones, but my skin tore as I lost my grip.

Gravity took hold.

My stomach flipped and turned as I dropped into an absolute free fall.

Fitz

Thankfully, traditions still held. Despite the supposed pending nuptials, I was still expected to dance with most of the ladies. At least the eligible ones. Sadira stayed seated, speaking in hushed tones with Mother as I went through the rituals of the night alone. Mother looked the part of either a grieving widowor a dominating villain, I couldn’t be sure which. Dressed in a long slinky gown of black silk, the overlay looked spun from spiderwebs of silver thread. Something grated at the way she and Sadira conspired, as if they’d planned this all themselves. My mind flashed back to what Bishop had said about Michaela’s suspicions. Mother was from Eshein Province the same as Sadira. She’d failed to change the law to rule without Father, but was it possible playing puppet master to a younger version of herself would serve the same purpose?

“Your Highness?” The young maiden’s voice gathered my attention. “Are you quite all right?”

“Yes,” I cleared my throat and forced a charming smile, “why do you ask?”

“You’ve stepped on my foot three times, Your Highness.”

“Oh, uh, I—” The music ceased, saving me from both an answer and the embarrassment of explaining where my mind had gone. With a bow, I turned away from her and strode toward the perimeter of the room. I needed air. I had to clear my head somehow.

A short whistle caught my ears. To the right of me, standing near doors that led to the balcony, Bishop motioned for me. By the look of him, he had news. I changed direction and made my way toward him.

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