Page 44 of By His Side

“You don’t think so?”

“Julian always said…” Felix’s gaze dropped to his plate, his body language changing in an instant.

“He always said what?”

“That I brought out the worst in him. That I pushed him beyond his limits, and I needed to take responsibility for some of his behavior.”

I put my fork down, the urge to eat any more of the chili disappearing. “You don’t believe that, do you?”

Felix raised his head to meet my gaze, his eyes stormy. “I met two of his exes. They only had good things to say about him.”

“Then he hadn’t started being abusive to them yet. Emphasis on the yet.” I leaned forward over the table. “How long were you together before he showed his true colors? Because I’m guessing you wouldn’t have moved in with him if he’d already been a bastard to you.”

“Just over a year. He was the perfect boyfriend until then. You couldn’t ask for someone more romantic. We’re talking gifts, romantic dinners, the whole shebang. I thought the sun shone out of his arse.”

“I bet his exes were with him for less than a year.”

Felix shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“It’s a typical page out of the abuser’s handbook.”

His brow furrowed. “What is?”

“Making the victim believe that the abuse is their fault. That he only did what he did because you drove him to it. And it’s bullshit. No one can make anyone do something they don’t want to do. I don’t know exactly what went on between the two of you, but if you pissed him off, he had numerous options. Walking away. Ending the relationship. No one becomes abusive unless it’s already in their nature.”

Felix traced patterns on the table with his fingertips. “I didn’t say I believed it. I just told you what he used to say.”

“You didn’t say you didn’t believe it either.”

A one-shouldered shrug, his fingers still making patterns that only he could see. “I had a lot of time to think about it while I was inside. I could have handled some things better than I did.”

I laughed, but bitterness laced it. I’d dealt with abused people before, and this was so often a factor. Julian had done such a number on Felix that even years later, and after everything Julian had done, Felix still struggled not to take at least some of the blame. Although they could acknowledge the abuse, they still couldn’t fully overcome the mental conditioning. “Who in a relationship couldn’t do better? Nobody’s perfect. I’m certainly not.”

When Felix lifted his head to meet my gaze, I was struck anew by how handsome he was. “You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met.”

The words wrapped around my heart and had me struggling for what I was supposed to say in response. Was I supposed to deny it? Say thank you? Brush it off? In the end, the silence went on too long and the opportunity to say anything passed. I focused on Felix’s half-eaten meal instead. “Are you going to finish that?”

When he shook his head, I started clearing the plates, scraping the rest of the food into the bin before filling the sink to do thedishes straightaway. It was a domestic habit we’d fallen into easily. Felix cooked, and I cleaned up afterwards—the perfect division of labor.

I was elbow deep in soapsuds when Felix started talking again. “We’d been at a party on the night he first lost his temper.”

“Yeah?” I didn’t turn, figuring he’d find it easier to talk to the back of my head.

“I spent too long talking to another man, apparently.”

Jealousy was a common trigger for abusers. I didn’t say that out loud. “Were you flirting with him?”

“I don’t think so.” A pause. “No. I wasn’t remotely interested in him. I was just being friendly… making conversation because that’s what you do at parties. I can’t even remember what we were talking about.”

I rinsed the plate under the tap and placed it on the draining board. “What happened?”

“He hit me. Not that hard. Not that night. It was more the shock of it. It was enough that I slept in the spare room. The next day he couldn’t have been more apologetic.”

“Let me guess, he said it’d never happen again?”

“Yeah. And it didn’t for a couple of months. I can’t even remember what I did the second time to trigger it.” I could hear the frown in Felix’s voice as he struggled to recall what it might have been. “Things went downhill from there until it felt like I couldn’t do anything right. The meals I cooked were never good enough. I started ordering food from the restaurant down the road. At least then, if he didn’t like it, it wasn’t my fault. Of course, then it became that I hadn’t ordered the right things, so it was still my fault. I was supposed to know he’d stopped eating fish without him ever having told me. If it wasn’t the food, it was something else. If I didn’t put my clothes away, I was too messy. If things were too tidy, I was hiding stuff from him. Then hestarted finding fault with how much time I spent with friends. There was one in particular he didn’t like.”

“Male and good-looking?” I queried.

---