Page 45 of By His Side

“Yeah, but it was ridiculous. Tom was straight and married to a woman he adored. They had three kids. He could have gotten blind drunk and he still wouldn’t have been remotely interested in me.”

“But you stopped seeing him, anyway?”

“Yeah, it was just easier than arguing about it. Tom and all the rest of my friends, even the female ones.”

Dishes washed, I started on the drying, careful not to look Felix’s way and risk him clamming up. “That’s a move straight out of the handbook as well. He wanted you to rely on him and only him. That way, you were less likely to leave him.”

“I did leave, though. Three or four times.” Felix let out a sigh. “But I always went back.”

“Why?”

The pause that followed was a long one. I slowed down on the drying, wanting to prolong the task as long as I could. If this was the one and only time I got Felix to open up, I didn’t want to do anything to stall the torrent of words.

“I don’t know. Given everything that happened after that, I’ve asked myself that question a thousand times. Because if I’d left and stayed away, my life would be different now. I wouldn’t have lost seven years of it. I wouldn’t have to avoid people on the street. My mum wouldn’t hate me.” The more reasons Felix came up with, the more strident his voice became. “I’d have a future.” He slammed his hand down on the table, water from his glass sloshing across the surface. “Fuck! Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I went over there, using the tea towel to mop up the spillage. “It’s only water. No harm done.”

“I guess I loved him. They say that love is blind, don’t they?”

“They do,” I agreed.

“I kept thinking that he was just stressed from work or something, that one day I’d wake up and the man I’d known from the first year of our relationship would be back. How fucked up is that?”

“You’re not the first to think that, and you won’t be the last.” I threw the wet tea towel on the kitchen counter and got a fresh one out of the drawer.

“And instead it just kept getting worse.”

“How bad did he hurt you?” My question was calm and measured, which was a miracle given the emotional whirlpool going on inside me. There was a part of me that wished I’d never brought the subject of Julian up.Be careful what you wish for.

“Nothing major. Black eyes, split lips, bruises, sprains.”

Leaning against the kitchen counter and facing away from Felix once more, I closed my eyes against the rush of anger that made me want to pay Julian a visit and see if he liked it. Which was odd when I’d never been a violent man. Even at school, I hadn’t been the type of kid that got into fights. I hadn’t needed to. Not when I had a protective brother, happy to steam in there if anyone even looked at me in the wrong way. Our differing temperaments, along with us not looking anything alike, had been one of the telltale signs of Hayden being adopted. It hadn’t made the slightest bit of difference to me. He’d been my brother in every way that counted. He still was.

“Did you ever hit him back?” I asked. Felix wasn’t a small guy. No doubt, he had packed on some muscle in prison, because of having a lot of time on his hands and few choices in how to spend it. But he’d been fit enough before. The old photos I’d come across on the internet had shown that.

“Would you have?”

I put the last dry plate in the cupboard, and having run out of things to do short of reorganizing the cupboards when they didn’t need it, turned to face him. I leaned against the kitchen counter while I thought about it. “I don’t know. I don’t think that’s something you can answer unless you’ve lived it.”

Felix gave a terse nod. “No. I never hit him back. Maybe, in retrospect, I should have done.” His mouth twisted. “But then I’d do a lot of things differently if I had my time again. Maybe if I’d stood up to him, Lily Reynolds would still be alive.”

“That’s not on you.” In response, Felix only bowed his head. “It’s not!” I rounded the table to stand in front of him. “Move your chair back.”

When he lifted his gaze to mine, he looked about ten years older, like even talking about this aged him. He did what I asked, though, scooting his chair back a few inches. Once there was space, I lowered myself onto his lap, moving slowly enough that he had ample time to push me off. When he didn’t, I took him in my arms and cradled his head against my chest. “I’m sorry for everything you went through. It wasn’t fair. No one should have to live through something so horrible.”

Neither of us spoke for the next few minutes, Felix’s eyes closing and his breathing slowing, almost like he might go to sleep. All I could do was stroke his hair and mumble meaningless nonsense meant to comfort.

Chapter Nineteen

Felix

I’d meant it when I’d told Darien he was the kindest person I knew. As he hugged me and told me he was here for me and I wasn’t alone anymore, I realized he was the sweetest as well, his heart big enough for the both of us. I didn’t know why after years of piling crap on my head, the universe had given me this precious gift, but I wasn’t about to throw it back in its face. Instead, I’d cling onto it with both hands and see it as my due. A tiny oasis of joy in a desert of crap.

Inevitably, having Darien pressed against me caused certain parts to stir. Rather than being offended, he laughed, the sound lightening the tension that had grown so thick in the kitchen as I’d spilled my guts that it had a presence of its very own.

There was more laughter as I scooped him up and carried him upstairs, Darien happy to lie back while I slowly undressed him. Oncehe was naked, I set to work on my own clothes. Darien propped himself up on his elbows and watched with a lazy, heated amusement that only aroused me more.

Was it normal to be horny so soon after baring your soul to someone? Maybe not, but I wouldn’t fight it. And this time felt different. All our previous sexual encounters had been about the two of us coming together in a conflagration of need. Whereas this was about me showing Darien how much I appreciated him. Only, I was better with my lips and tongue than I was with words.

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