Page 81 of Devoted

Chapter 26

Jess

Stage zero. Less than two centimeters in size. Cancer has not spread beyond the breast.

Best-case scenario.

Dr. Lexington called me the next morning and asked me to come in to his office to talk. I was able to sneak in right after my shift ended where he explained the next steps to take. In cancer speak, my case was the best to have. My chance of survival in the next five years is over ninety percent, which is incredible considering that I knew this disease would find me one day.

My mother gave me a sign at the perfect time, preventing my body from letting the cancer grow at a rapid rate that could have ended my life in a matter of months. I thanked her repeatedly that morning after I met with him and decided how to move forward.

And yet in the back of mind, my brain keeps nagging—but what about after this? How many times are you going to be fearful that this will come back? Does Brooks deserve to share in that pain and anxiety each time you go in for a scan?

Better yet, he doesn’t need yet another woman to look after and risk losing from this horrible disease.

All of those questions ultimately lead to my final decision as I sat across from Dr. Lexington and took the plunge. “I want a double mastectomy,” I command as Dr. Lexington goes over my options.

“That’s not necessary, Jess. We can do a simple lumpectomy and start radiation…”

“No.” I shake my head adamantly. “I want them gone. My breasts are just going to keep trying to kill me. I don’t want to give them the chance.”

Dr. Lexington lets out a relented sigh. “Okay. We can do that. With your family history, I understand your decision. Let me consult with Tabitha get you on the schedule. Would you like to do reconstruction at the same time?”

“Yes. That way I only have to go under once. And I want you to harvest my eggs. I still want the option of children if that becomes a possibility.” That dream of having kids with Brooks someday just seems to get blurrier and blurrier as the days have progressed since my biopsy.

He writes down a few notes on my chart before looking back up at me. “You’re going to have to take time off from your job, you know that, right?”

I nod. “Yes, I’m aware. I’ll make arrangements as soon as we have a date nailed down. I want to do this under the radar as much as possible.” The assurance running through my veins keeps my resolve from crumbling. I can face this head on. I don’t want to have to rely on others more than I need to. I don’t want sympathy and pity from my co-workers. I’ll just have to come up with some excuse for my leave. Maybe I need to travel back to Portland to visit my family for a few weeks, or something.

After I found the lump, I called my sister almost immediately and urged her to check herself. She’s only two years younger than me, and if I found one at twenty-nine, there’s no telling whether the cancer could find her in the same timeframe. I told her not to tell our dad though until I knew my diagnosis.

She sobbed into the phone, naturally, and prayed to God that I wouldn’t die too. I tried to reassure her that the lump was small, which is a good sign, but I wasn’t going to take this discovery lightly—that I would fight this and do whatever was necessary to stay alive.

“Okay. I have to say, Jess, I’m sorry this has happened to you. As not only your doctor, but your colleague, I want you to know that we will do everything we can to ensure your survival. Cancer is a bitch, but you found this at the perfect time.”

“Thank you, Dr. Lexington.”

“Please call me Thomas.”

I feel my lips start to shake, but I fight back the reaction to his attempt at human connection. I know what he’s doing. He’s wanting to make me feel like I’m not alone.

But I have to do this alone.

“I’ll see you soon, Dr. Lexington.” I stand and follow him out to reception, where we’re able to fit in my surgery in a week’s time. This leaves me to scramble to cover my shifts rather quickly, but if I contact the HR department, I’m sure they can help.

I want to get this over with. I want to extract this poison from my body as soon as possible so I can move on. I just don’t know what that moving on will look like.

Later that afternoon as I make my way to Piper’s house, I feel the blanket of strength start to coat me. I’m going to beat this. I’m making the right decision by removing my breasts and doing everything I can to not risk the cancer returning.

But how to let go of Brooks is still the decision I have yet to decide on how to handle.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” I hover over the couch, staring down at a sleeping Rachel bundled up under a blanket.

“Hey.” She sits up and wipes drool away from her face.

“Well, aren’t you just a merry ball of sunshine?” I tease but then sit down next to her. Studying her right now is like looking in a mirror each time I nursed my broken heart after another relationship ended. Lord help me for what is about to come when I break up with Brooks.

“Yup.”

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