Page 79 of Devoted

Chapter 25

Jess

“Good morning! Well, I guess technically it’s night. But it feels like our morning, right?” Piper’s cheery voice startles me as I turn around in my desk chair and glance up at her.

My hand falls over my chest on instinct as I will my heart to calm down. “Jesus, Piper! You scared me.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to frighten you. How’s it going? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in a while.”

It’s true. I haven’t spoken to her in a while. I haven’t spoken to many people, actually. And I’ve even been trying to keep Brooks at bay until I can get the test results back on my biopsy, which hasn’t been as taxing as I thought given our work schedules.

The day after I found my lump, I snuck into the oncology department at the hospital. Dr. Lexington and I have always been cordial, so I asked the receptionist if I could get an appointment with him, urging that discretion was necessary. She fit me in at the next available slot that worked out for me a few days later, and he rushed my biopsy given my family history. Since the extraction, I’ve been avoiding work and people. I took the day off after to rest and switched shifts with another girl since I wasn’t supposed to lift anything for a few days. The last thing I needed was to be in the middle of an emergency and have to explain why I couldn’t lift the patient.

But now the tension and nausea are building as I expect a call from him very soon with the results.

I haven’t been able to sleep or eat as the pending doom looming over me rests in the back of my mind all day. And I know it’s cancer, given I had the chance of developing it because of my mom. Even though there’s still a possibility that it’s not, I just never thought this would be a situation I would face this early in my life, especially when I feel like my life is finally beginning. And as much as I want to hold on to hope that God could be putting me through the ringer for nothing, my gut tells me that I know my fate.

I must have been staring off into space because suddenly Piper is right in my face, her eyes boring into mine. “Hey, what’s going on with you? You look like you’re about to be sick.”

I shake my head and then glance back at the computer, avoiding her eyes. “No. I’m fine.” I’m sure my tight-lipped smile is extremely convincing.

She narrows her eyes at me just as I glance in her direction. “No, I call bullshit. Sorry. I have one friend that is messed up right now going through a break-up, and my gut is telling me that you’re not okay either. I feel like you’ve been kind of off the past week. For a while there, I thought you were using drugs, you were so damn happy and giddy all the time. But now… I don’t know. I feel like something’s going on.” She softens her voices and then grabs my shoulders with her hands as she leans closer. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

The stings of tears builds behind my eyes. I can’t break down at work, not in front of people, or worse, in front of Brooks. We’re on shift together tonight, but I’ve been trying to avoid him.

Last week when we were supposed to go out the day after I found my lump, I invited him over instead. We ate pizza, watched a movie, and made love on the couch in which I insisted on keeping my top on. I didn’t want him to feel it, even though he probably wouldn’t have even noticed because I barely did.

As he kissed and touched every inch of my body, I fought every natural instinct in me to hold in my tears, knowing that soon I would have to give him up. I want to believe that we can get through whatever awaits me on the other side of this diagnosis, but I can’t put Brooks through that. He’s already dealing with his mom. And even though I’m sure he would, the last thing I want is to ask him to support me too.

“I…” I start to speak and then I feel my lips tremble.

Piper grabs my hand and pulls me to a storage closet just as the first tear breaks free. Her arms encircle me, holding me against her warm body and supporting my weight as I break down, finally letting all the emotion free that’s been building inside me for the past seven days. The only time I cried was the night I found the lump. Other than that, I’ve been keeping it together on a tightrope, knowing that there was no use in crying over something that I can’t control.

But now, having someone else to talk to about it, the reality that Piper will not allow me to keep this to myself—it’s granting me the relief to finally release the most basic human emotions that anyone would feel in these circumstances.

“Jess, you’re scaring me. Talk to me, sweetie.”

I stand up and wipe my face, tears and snot covering multiple areas. “Piper. I’ve never told you this… but… my mother died from breast cancer.”

Her mouth falls open as a lengthy breath follows. “Oh my gosh, Jess. I’m so sorry. Did this just happen?”

I shake my head and look down at the floor. “No. It was a little over seven years ago. But I don’t like to talk about it. It was a very hard time in my life, and right after that was when I started dating Trent, which lead me to believe I was cursed and all of these horrible things were just going to continue to happen to me.”

She reaches out for my arm, stroking her hand up and down. “That’s understandable. Sometimes after we experience a loss, we associate our grief with different things. We can feel like the universe is out to get us. That’s kind of how I felt in my circumstances. I’d finally found Cash, but then my ability to have children was diminished. Luckily, he’s the most incredible man and supports me.”

“That’s just it. I finally found Brooks and then all of these emotions came flooding back when he revealed that his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.”

“So that’s what this is about? It’s been difficult to witness her fight because it reminds you of your mom?”

“Yes, and no.” I take a deep breath and then let it all out. “I… I was in the shower last week and realized it had been a while since I’d done a self-exam. I do them pretty regularly since I know I’m predisposed to developing the cancer myself. But… I found a lump.”

Piper gasps and moves to cover her mouth with her hands. Her eyes fill with tears as she stares at me, not making a sound. “No, Jess,” she finally whispers after what seems like a lifetime. “Oh, my god…” Her voice is barely noticeable as the heaviness of my confession rests between us.

All I can do is cry more, let all the tears fall as she pulls me back in to her arms and we stand there for god knows how long. “Did you make an appointment with your doctor?” She finally asks, wiping away her own tears.

“Yeah. I actually went straight to Dr. Lexington’s department the next day. They did a needle biopsy a few days ago. I’m waiting for the results.”

“Jesus. What did they say based on the scans? Was it small?”

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