Page 66 of Devoted

I told him I was invested, that his happiness was my happiness. And I want to be that for him. In watching my mother die, I didn’t have someone who was watching out for me, asking me what I needed. My sister and I leaned on each other as much as we could, and my dad shut us out. I felt very alone and wished there were someone who could have just made sure that I was still standing at the end of the day.

So I will do that for him. I will take care of him while he takes care of his mom. It’s the least I can do, and better yet, it’s something I want to do.

With our lips pressed together, I show him that I can be strong for him in the moments when he feels weak, a need that comes barreling forward so fast that it takes me by surprise. And yet is also gives me clarification.

This man is who I’ve been waiting for.

“Brooks,” I declare breathlessly when we part. “It’s getting cold. We should start to head back.” I’m honestly loving being at the beach again after so long, but the desire coursing through me for him is winning the battle in my mind.

His lips perk up with that admission and then he moves to stand, reaching down for my hand to pull me up as well. “Well, I have one thing planned for you before we go back.”

“Okay. What is it?” Before I can say another word, our feet are moving forward towards the water, the sand growing colder beneath our feet as the sky burns a bright orange in front of us, the small semicircle of the sun still sitting on the horizon. “Brooks, I… I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” he says before squeezing my hand even harder, wrapping his arm around my waist, and practically pulling me towards the ocean. He’s not being forceful or rough, but just demanding enough that I want to run.

My body is on high alert, my palms sweating, my heart pounding against my rib cage. I feel like a dog that’s fighting its leash, desperately trying to go in the other direction.

Brooks rests when we are just a few feet away from the line in the sand where the water stops in its journey up the shore. “Jess, look at me.”

I lock my eyes on the ocean, the heaviness that can be heard as the waves crash on themselves feels like it’s suffocating me. I can still feel that weight, especially in my dreams of that day when I was pulled under and couldn’t fight to breathe anymore. But then Brooks tilts my chin towards him so I see nothing but his reassuring face staring back down at me.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you, okay? Remember what I said to you at Tony’s?”

I swallow and then recall those words that gave me the strength to go zip lining with him, or better yet, the strength to trust him. He’s asking me to trust him again. And I do.

“That any fear in life is easier to face with someone by your side that you know won’t let you fall.”

“That’s my girl. I won’t let you fall, Jess. I’ll be here the entire time. I just want you to put your feet in, to see that although the water is dark and you can’t see through to the bottom, facing your fear will start to brighten up your mind to the possibility that nothing bad is going to happen. You told me you weren’t going anywhere earlier, that you would support me. Well, that’s what I want to do for you too. I want to be your rock as well. I want you to feel brave enough to tackle any challenge that comes your way.”

Where the hell did this man come from and how did I get lucky enough for him to choose me?

“Okay,” I relent, and then take a deep breath. I cling to Brooks’ hand, pull up the bottom of my dress that’s been dragging on the sand, and scoot forward just as the water reaches where we’re standing, the stark cold temperature catching me by surprise even though I knew it was coming. “Ah! Oh my gosh, that’s cold!”

Brooks chuckles beside me and then urges me forward. “Come on, you can go further than this. Remember, I’m right here.”

I nod slightly and then take a few more steps while we wait for the tide to return. And when it does, the water covers both of my feet up to my ankles, and then floods right back out to the ocean as quickly as it came in. Every time the water rolls in, we move out further, and I feel a pang of fear radiate in my chest the second the water hits my skin. But then it subsides like the waves and falls away, leaving me with a relief that I am finally stepping foot in the ocean after all of this time, and it’s with Brooks’ hand in mine that I contain the bravery to do that.

“You’re smiling,” he says, pulling my eyes to him.

“I am?”

“Yeah. How are you feeling?”

I sigh and then twist my head from side to side, basking in the view, the smell, the wind hitting my face. “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but thank you for pushing me to do it.” I thrust up on my toes, wrap my arms around his neck, and kiss him once more, tangling our tongues together and shifting the intention behind the kiss just like our relationship has shifted in the conversations held on this beach.

We stand in the ocean for a few more minutes, Brooks’ arms wrapped around me from behind, but then I encourage him to leave once more. We have a hotel room to occupy, and I know exactly what I want to do in that bed.

There’s no more need to wait. Tonight solidified it for me. I can trust him. I can let him in, and he’s not going to hurt me.

The walk back to the room is filled with promise and a buzz of anticipation as we stroll through the darkness, admiring the unimpeded view of the stars in the sky. When we make it to our room, I go to the bathroom to freshen up. Dragging my fingers through my braid, I release the strands from their style, creating beach-like waves. I strip off my dress to reveal the lavender strapless bra and thong I put on underneath in the hopes that tonight would lead to this.

In the back of my mind there was still doubt that what Brooks had to tell me would be something I couldn’t accept. But now that I know we share this bond, I’m more convinced that it’s time for us to connect this way. And even though I realize I’m going to have to share that information with him eventually, I don’t want it to be right now.

I want the next few minutes to just be about us connecting, sharing our bodies completely with one another, much like we’re sharing our souls.

With one spritz of my perfume, I check my appearance in the mirror, my tiny stature looking as feminine as possible. I may be tiny in height, but my curves definitely don’t equate. Brooks has told me on many occasions how much he loves my body, and I’m hoping that tonight he enjoys all of me.

As I step out of the bathroom, I catch a glimpse of him sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at his phone. He seems to be typing out a text message, so I let him finish before I alert him of my presence.

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