Page 65 of Devoted

Chapter 20

Jess

There’s something to be said about secrets—some secrets are held in the belief that their existence will bring harm to those we care about—and then some are held by omission, because there hasn’t been a need to reveal them until suddenly you’re slammed with the truth that makes the words more relevant than they were before.

After listening to Brooks admit his dread over losing his mom, why he hid it from me, and how that affects the two of us, I now understand why he kept her diagnosis from me. I can’t blame the man for finding solace in our relationship because that’s exactly what I have been doing as well. Knowing there’s a man that truly cares about me after my dating mishaps and unfortunate luck finally makes me feel wanted and cherished.

It’s made me forget about my reality too—that there’s a black cloud that follows me around as well, threatening my life and happiness.

As I sat in Brooks’ arms and listened to him speak, I had to know what kind of cancer his mom was diagnosed with because my gut was telling me the answer.

“I’m not going anywhere. Just please be honest. What kind of cancer does she have?”

I waited on pins and needles, feeling as if I were about to jump off of a cliff as he took a deep breath before responding.

Please don’t say breast. Please don’t say breast, my brain pleaded as I anticipated his answer.

“She found a lump on her breast and immediately made an appointment with her doctor. They followed protocol and discovered it was cancerous. But when they told her it was stage three and inoperable, that’s when I knew I needed to come home.”

Fuck.

That’s all I could say to myself, all I could think before I did the honorable thing—apologized and urged him to continue, supporting him with soft caresses and intentional eye contact.

Rarely can you know and understand exactly what a person is going through. But I can—because I’ve been there. I watched my mom die from breast cancer and that pain is one that you can’t possibly feel without going through it yourself.

“Why hide it from me?”

“Denial, I guess. You’ve reminded me to smile, to live, even though I feel like death is looming around every corner. And I didn’t want to lose that feeling with you—the lightheartedness you bring me. You help me forget. That’s why I didn’t tell you. And I’m sorry.”

If that wasn’t like seeing your younger self through a mirror, then I don’t know what is. Because Brooks’ confession about me helping him forget? Well, it’s very much related to what happened for me with Trent. Yes, Trent was an ass that used me to get back at his ex-girlfriend. But I used him too, to take away the pain of losing my mom.

My mother died just shortly before I started nursing school, a whirlwind of change that interrupted my life when her diagnosis came out of nowhere. She made me promise to finish, even though the last thing I wanted at the time was to spend more time in a hospital.

“You are meant to do this, Jessalyn. Remember when you ran to that boy and his mom? It’s your calling. Don’t take what’s happening to me and use it as an excuse to run.”

I choke back a sob as I hold her hand in bed, her body frail and weak from the cancer that has eaten away at her so fast, it seemed almost overnight.

In reality, it was only four months, but I don’t think you understand the passage of time until everything changes in the blink of an eye and then you have to watch your loved one die slowly and yet rapidly right in front of your eyes.

“I don’t want to run, Mom. I just—I just don’t want to live without you.”

Her hand reaches up to caress my cheek and then she tells me the words that I sealed deep in my chest for years to come. “Sometimes you just have to accept your fate.”

Those words have echoed in my mind ever since that day and each time something has gone wrong in my life. And I think since the first thing that negatively affected me after she passed was Trent, I’ve associated those words with my ‘curse’.

For years I’ve believed that any shitty hand I’ve been dealt is fate telling me to accept what’s happened.

I lost my mom to breast cancer. I know I have a possibility of developing it as well one day thanks to genetics. And I tend to pick the wrong men for me.

I started living my life jaded, convinced that I’d been dealt a shitty hand in love. And yet in the back of my mind was still a ray of hope that things would work out, that I wasn’t destined to walk this earth alone—that there was a man out there that would be utterly devoted to me like my dad was to my mom.

I still talk to my dad and sister regularly, but nothing can replace the voice and encouragement of your mother. And my father has never been the same since she passed. A part of him died that day with her too.

And as I let Brooks hold me and I assured him I wasn’t going anywhere, all of these feelings from four years ago came rushing back. I fought like hell to keep them buried and instead, immersed myself in his comfort, wishing that when my mother died I had someone close that could have done that for me.

If there was any clarification I needed to stop being afraid of what Brooks and I had, it was this—a shared experience would forever connect our souls. And even though his mom is still alive and fighting, I understand what he’s going through and that is not something that you can find easily.

I’ve found myself in yet another instance where a boy and his mom need my help, my soothing voice and reassurance that things will be okay until they aren’t.

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