Page 64 of Devoted

“I can only imagine how you must be feeling. But why didn’t you tell me this? Why pursue me and then keep something as serious as this from me?”

My eyes study hers for a moment before veering out over the ocean, the waves rolling in along the sand, mimicking the rolling I’m feeling in my stomach from this conversation. The cat’s out of the bag, Brooks. There’s no holding back now.

“Denial, I guess. This intense reality hit me when my mom was diagnosed, and a part of me didn’t want to accept it. My mind has been filled with nothing but doctor’s appointments, drug doses, and the laundry list of things to take care of since I knew my mom would be too weak to do it herself. Thank god for my aunt and Ethan’s help. With the hours I work, there’s no way I’d be able to manage it all myself. I had a plan when I moved home—and then I met you.”

Her face softens. “I’m sorry if I took you by surprise, but I don’t regret us meeting. I mean, I know I’ve been cautious about us, but I am glad you moved home, Brooks. You’re—you’re everything I’ve been looking for.”

“Please don’t take what I said to mean that I’m mad about meeting you. Hell, Jess, you’ve kept me sane throughout all of this. That’s the point I’m trying to make. In a time of my life that has, without a doubt, been the darkest, you’ve been the light cutting through the stormy clouds. You’ve reminded me to smile, to live, even though I feel like death is looming around every corner. And I didn’t want to lose that feeling with you—the lightheartedness you bring me. You help me forget. That’s why I didn’t tell you. And I’m sorry.”

“I guess I can’t fault you for that. But denying it will not make it any less real. And when you started disappearing on me and being secretive, it made me question what was going on. Remember the night of the speed dating event when you told me that we could be honest with each other? Well, realizing you were holding back secrets ignited a fury in me. It’s been hard to be completely open with men, but you made me feel comfortable enough to do that. And then your actions made me think that maybe I had done something…”

My hand holds her face still while I stare directly into her eyes so she can’t look away or question what I’m about to say. “You have been perfect, Jess. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. I’m the one who’s been wrong here. But I guess I was just afraid of how things would change between us once you knew. I don’t want you to feel obligated to stick around for fear of hurting me or making my life more complicated. If you can’t handle this, I can accept that. Just please let me know sooner rather than later, because losing you will only exacerbate the ache in my chest I feel at the prospect of losing my mom. But I will completely understand if you go. This isn’t easy to handle for anyone involved.”

Jess goes silent, turning back to admire the ocean, the heaviness of my words hanging between us. My heart gallops wildly, wondering if she’s contemplating her departure, the reality of my impending loss causing too much overwhelming emotion for her to handle. And then she speaks so softly, I almost miss it.

But when I hear it, it only makes me more concerned.

“Sometimes we have to accept our fate, Brooks.”

My body retreats from her words, my heart shocked by her blunt response. “Are you saying that you think my mom is going to die?” My pulse is running rampant as I wait for her to answer. I mean, I’m a doctor. I know the possible outcomes to her circumstances. But hearing Jess say something so matter-of-factly hits me hard.

She shakes her head rapidly, realizing her mistake quickly, I’m sure. “No—no, Brooks. Shit. I’m sorry, that wasn’t meant to come out like that. I—I misspoke.”

“Then what did you mean?” I’m two seconds away from standing and walking away so I can clear my mind before I say something I’ll regret. This is not how I imagined the conversation going in my head.

“I mean that sometimes life doesn’t always work out the way we think it’s going to, but that’s okay. Look at us meeting, Brooks. We never would have if your mom hadn’t gotten sick. You wouldn’t be home near her, and I wouldn’t be here in your arms wishing there were something I could do or say to take away your pain.” She pauses again and then offers me a soft smile that instantly makes some of the tension melt, along with what she says next. “But I’m not leaving. I’m too invested. Is this reality daunting and overwhelming? Yes. But it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I just wish you had been honest with me from the beginning.”

My body visibly relaxes, loosening the tightness that was stretching across my limbs. “I know. And I can’t say I’m sorry enough.”

“I could have been helping you and your aunt instead of being left in the dark.”

“See, that’s just it. It’s that thought that made me hesitant in the first place to tell you. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to help. It’s not your burden. I didn’t want our relationship to be about that.”

“Okay, that’s fair. But now I’m invested. Your happiness is my happiness. So tell you what… you tell me what you need, okay? I won’t take it upon myself to do things, or even offer, if that’s what you want. But if you tell me you need me, I’ll be there as much as I possibly can.” She rests her forehead on mine as our breaths swirl together, mixed with the salty breeze floating off of the ocean and the call of seagulls in the air.

I shut my eyes and soak her in—her words, her support, her unwavering dedication to me even after I withheld this secret. I don’t deserve her, but apparently the universe thinks I do.

“You’re incredible. I can’t thank you enough for just offering to be there. That’s all I really want. I don’t want you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me, or be afraid to be honest in fear of upsetting me. I just need you—the woman that argued with me over breath fresheners and trusted in me enough to tell me about her biggest fears.”

She giggles, presses her lips to my cheek, and then resumes resting her forehead on mine, letting out a satisfied hum. “I’m right here, Brooks.”

“My biggest fear right now is losing my mom. But second to that is losing you.” I lean back slightly so I can see those grey eyes that captivate me every time they look at me with a longing that I feel deep in my chest for her.

Jess doesn’t respond with words, but instead, leans in and kisses me, moving her arms up from between us to wrap around my neck, her body swiveling between my legs to turn and get more comfortable as we seal our declarations with a kiss.

I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of her lips, the feeling of her in my arms, and the way she continues to surprise me. Jess had every right to be upset with me, but I’m so fucking thankful in this moment that she possesses the heart that she does, because without her understanding, I’d be alone, dealing with a life-changing time of my life.

But she’s here. She’s in this. And I know right here and now, she’s meant to be in this with me.

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