Page 74 of Captivated

However, the somber realization that I was building a life elsewhere is still nagging in the back of my mind. And then the image of Cash’s face when he saw me awake after I was shot brings all of my emotions back. I start to hyperventilate, struggling for air as tears run from my eyes.

“Pfeiffer? Pfeiffer, what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? Everything is wrong, Mom! My life has been torn apart and turned upside down in the last eight months! And just when I was accepting it, I get pulled away from it and brought back here, when there’s a man I love on the other side of the country! Tell me, how should I be feeling? Because right now, all I feel is pain and guilt and desperation. I need to speak to him!”

“Pfeiffer, please calm down,” she pleads, guiding me to take a few deep breaths to bring me back down to earth. I know raising my blood pressure is the last thing I should do, but I can’t help the panic attack I feel because of my circumstances.

“You know what the worst part is, Mom?” She stares at me while I gather myself. “I found him, the man I thought I was supposed to be with. He made me feel things I never felt with Mason. And he wanted a family one day, everything I’ve ever wanted. And now? Now I may never be able to give that to him,” I choke, more tears falling as I come to terms with my new reality.

“Oh, Pfeiffer. It’s not impossible, honey. It will just be hard.”

“You heard the doctor, Mom. Most likely not without the use of fertility drugs or in vitro. He doesn’t deserve that. He deserves a woman who can give him everything, who doesn’t have to be pumped full of drugs to have his baby, who won’t cry every time she gets her period or gets a negative pregnancy test.”

“You are an incredible woman, Pfeiffer, and your reproductive challenges do not change that. You have been through so much in the last eight months, more than some people go through in a lifetime. Take some time to heal, to mend your heart and your mind, and then decide where to go. No one says you need to have those answers right now.”

I brush the moisture from my face and stare back into her eyes. My mother knows the struggle to have children because she went through that with me. “How did you handle it, Mom? Trying relentlessly to have a child and coming up short for years. How did Dad handle it? Do you think he would have walked away if he could?”

She shakes her head at me, now showing her own emotion about my circumstances mirroring her own. “I never wanted this for you, Pfeiffer. And I’m not going to lie to you… it was gut-wrenching at times. But I never would have gotten through it if it weren’t for your father. His support, his constant reassurance that we would be okay, even if we never had you, was the only thing that kept me sane some days. I love you with all of my heart, darling… and although this will be a challenge, this isn’t a dead-end road. This is just a one-way street you have to follow.”

Her words affect me more than she will ever know—a one-way street I have to follow, like the one I turned the wrong way down that lead me to Cash. Christ, how could she possibly know to give me those words of validation right now?

“I think I just need some time, Mom, to gather my thoughts. I’m not happy about leaving the way that I did, but I think I need time away—to figure out what I want and what that even looks like now that I can live as me again.”

She nods. “I agree. Here,” she hands me my phone that was resting on the bed behind her. “Be honest with him. He’s been calling non-stop, but I didn’t dare answer. I will be here for you, darling. But I think you need to tie up some loose ends at the moment.” She stands, kisses me on the cheek, and then leaves me in my room, staring at a phone with countless missed calls, voicemails, and text messages—all from Cash.

I sit there for almost an hour, reading every word, listening to his voice, letting each ounce of pain and emotion he gives me soak into my soul. He never utters those three words, but I can hear it in his tone and it’s obvious in his actions. He loves me. And I love him, too.

But is love enough?

Because right now, all I can think about is how love got me into this mess. Loving Mason brought the Montevallo’s into my life. My parent’s love for me caused me to take on a new identity and move across the country. And my love for Cash has altered my life in more ways than one, yet still doesn’t negate the fact that I’m recovering from a gunshot wound because I was trying to tell him the truth about why I was living a double life.

After wiping away all of my tears, I open up a message and type what I know I need to say:

Me: Cash, I’m okay. My parents took me home, and I’ve been resting after I spiked a fever from the trip. I know you have so many questions, and I have so many answers I need to give you. But right now, this is what I need from you more than anything—time. My life has been upended in a matter of months, and now after my injury, things have changed. I need to figure out what I want. I know I care about you more than any other man I’ve ever been with, which I know isn’t saying much since I’ve only been with one other person. But it’s true. I feel things for you that I never knew were possible. And if you feel the same, no matter how hard it may be, I’m asking you to give me space while I figure out what happens next. I will be in touch.

I re-read what I wrote, happy with the message, and then hit send. After a few moments, I see it’s been delivered, and then I make the next hardest decision I know is right—I power off my phone and tuck it into my nightstand, closing off my life in Emerson Falls and focusing on healing in the meantime, hoping for a sign that will show me where I’m supposed to go from here.

Chapter 30

Cash

Three Weeks Later

“Get it out, man!” Cooper dances around the ring, taunting me with his fists even though he hasn’t taken a swing on me yet.

“Fight back, fucker! Give me a reason to hit you!”

“You already have a reason. I didn’t do anything to you, but you need to hitsomething, so do it. Hit me!” He’s speaking behind his mouth guard, but I can still understand him.

“If I hit you as hard as I need to hit something right now, you’re gonna go to sleep.”

“Fine by me. I love naps.”

“Fuck you, man,” I say, swinging at him again, connecting with the padded helmet on his head.

“Take it out, Cash. I know you need to. You’re not releasing it all.”

I freeze, standing there before him, sensing Déjà vu. It was only a few short months ago that I stood by and watched Cooper take out his frustrations on a punching bag when things went sour with him and Clara. And as much as Cooper wants to be my punching bag, I won’t do that to him. Because once I hit him and unleash the monster inside, I won’t be able to stop.

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