Page 59 of Reverse Perspective

“Ninety-seven percent of rapists never face consequences,” Todd says. “She’s a smart girl. She understands that, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. She just needs time.”

I close my eyes but I do not fall asleep, although they do think that I’m sleeping. My breathing is even and I’m completely still. It’s not like I’ve gone crazy and my mind is empty. I’m still very much here and aware of what’s going on, I just have no desire to do anything.

When we get home, Lance carries me in and sets me on Dean’s bed while he gathers what I need to take a shower. Dean and Mason are in the room, but no one touches me. I stare at my hands until Mason comes over and kneels in front of me.

“We are going to go to the living room but we will keep an ear out for you. Okay?” he asks. I give him a small nod and he gentlypats my leg before standing up. Lance sets everything in the bathroom before they all leave, shutting the door behind them.

The moment they are out of the room, I go over and lock the door. I don’t know why I’m doing it, but I feel safer this way. I then go to the bathroom and turn on the hot water before shedding my clothing.

When the water is as hot as it’s going to get, I step into the shower. The scalding water burns my skin as it rains down on me. The sting and aching feeling that it creates is fucking blissful. I never knew that causing myself pain would bring me so much peace. I grab the washcloth and soap then set in on scrubbing my skin.

I feel dirty and used after what they did to me. I can still feel them inside of me. Their grunts and moans replay in my head on a loop as I remember the way they dove into my body with desperation to find their pleasure in me. They took from me without hesitation for their own benefit.

Paul did so much worse though. He showed me in just a few hours that he is the one in control and I was never free of him. I will never be free of him. He will continue to get away with hurting me. He owns me. I will never be free.

I keep scrubbing my skin, desperately trying to get their touch off of me. I can’t stand the feeling of them any longer. My skin burns as I rub it raw, allowing the soap to cause a stinging sensation. The burn makes the feeling go away. As long as I keep scrubbing, I don’t have to feel them. I don’t have to remember what it was like when my body betrayed me when they forcefully created sick pleasure. Only it wasn’t pleasurable. It was painful. To them it appeared to be everything they ever wanted from me. To me, there’s never been anything more painful than what they did to me; what they made me do.

“Oh, my God!” Mason says with a panicked tone as he steps into the shower and shuts the water off. When he yanks thewashcloth out of my hands, reality knocks the wind out of me. My skin is bright red. I have patches of raw skin where I’m bleeding a little. I am hysterically sobbing when Mason wraps his arms around me to hug me tightly.

“Shhh. You’re okay,” he says softly. “You’re okay.”

Mason picks me up before I can collapse and takes me to the bed. He sits me down and someone wraps a towel around me before he pulls me into his lap. He gently rocks us while I try to stop crying. Everything hurts, but it’s not the physical pain it’s bothering me. It’s the crushing emotional weight of everything that happened today and when I was a child.

I was just a little girl when he abused me. My parents let him do that. He has this belief that an orgasm would rid me of my demons, so he likely had the same belief back then. It’s becoming extremely obvious that my parents let that happen to me. They signed me up for that camp, knowing what was going to happen. Only, Paul took it further than they expected. Naturally, that would be my fault. I am the temptress who convinced him it was okay to orally rape a child. I am the one who asked for it with my slutty ways. Or so they say. If they did it then, I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that my parents are partly responsible for this time as well. The video triggered them to act and try to rid me of my demons again.

He will never stop. Paul will continue to torture me until one of us dies. I’ve been complacent about my abuse and I've allowed him to win over and over again. He has gotten away with hurting me far too many times. Consequences be damned, I will not be the one to lay down and die, because I refused to fight for myself. I don’t know how long it will take me to pull myself out of this fog but when I do… he’s dead.

Chapter fifteen

Sadie

Fifteen Days Later

I’m laying in mybed, curled into the fetal position. I’ve been awake for almost an hour now, but I don’t want to get up. This should be the day we go to the park for our game, but I’m avoiding anything and everything that reminds me of either of them. Apparently there’s a lot that reminds me of Leo, so I just don’t leave the house. I hardly leave the room.

I know the guys are worried about me, but I don’t really know what to tell them. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this dark place. And honestly, why should I leave my dark place? Every time I have hope, someone crushes it. I finally got the men of my dreams only for some vindictive cunt to leak a video. That set off a chain reaction of bullshit.

Paul apparently just continued on with his life as if nothing happened. Leo is nowhere to be found though. His house was cleared of everything essential. He quit his job and his bank accounts are empty. The guys thought I was asleep when they were talking about paying him a visit. That’s when they found out that he disappeared. Since then, I don’t think they have found anything outside of just the basic understanding that he moved.

Leo would know more than anyone about what the guys will do to him for hurting me. I don’t think he knew that I was ever going to go back to the guys. If he had known, I don’t think he would’ve gone as far as he did. Even so, he better pray that they never find him. They won’t touch Paul unless I say it’s okay, but Leo is free game.

I usually sleep in bed with them, I just unintentionally fell asleep before dinner last night and slept until this morning. I haven’t done more than let them hug me and I feel bad for it. They are so fucking respectful and never hesitated to support me when I asked them to not touch me right now. When I’m ready, I’ll initiate it.

For a lot of the last two weeks, the thought of anyone touching me made me nauseous. It would remind me of Paul and Leo, thus shoving me right back into the panic I felt in the shower. I force myself into it because I know I am safe with Dean, Lance, and Mason.

That first night at home, I scrubbed my skin until I was bloody. A lot of it only just now healed. I was sobbing hysterically and because I locked the bedroom and bathroom door, it took them a while to get to me. They got me cleaned up and dressed the wounds that needed it before having me lie down. They all were in bed with me but respected my wishes for no one to touch me. They were so close that I could feel their body heat, but they never once touched me.

The next morning, I woke up with my arm around Mason and my head laid on his chest. At some point I rolled apparently in search of comfort, and he is the one that I happened to choose. He was gently rubbing my back at the moment that I woke up. As long as I didn’t move or react negatively, he kept rubbing my back. I still struggle if they touch me and I don’t expect it, but they are very good at reading my cues and body language.

We haven’t had sex and for a few days; I thought I would never have sex again. The idea of someone touching me like that again was repulsive. I’ve not kept any of this secret from the guys and the only thing that they have told me is that they will support me regardless of what I say or do. They are fully committed to helping me through this trauma, and that honestly is the sexiest thing they could ever do.

I’ve been working from home so that the guys don’t drown without me. All-in-all, I’ve not left the house since I got home from the hospital. My day consists of waking up at some point and taking antibiotics, eating breakfast, and then working until I can’t keep my eyes open. I’m done with the medicine now, so hopefully if I did catch anything from them it’s gone now. I’m not and was never really concerned about that.

There is a knock on the door before it comes open. “Morning,” Lance says.

“Leaving for the park?” I ask, not turning to look at him. I feel bad because I didn’t go last week or the week before that. None of the others have gone either. We’ve never missed a single weekend together until now. I feel like it’s my fault. I refuse to let my bullshit continue to get in the way so I told them just to go without me and I will join them when I’m ready.

“Nope. Not yet,” he says. “We want you to come with us.”

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