Page 102 of The Break Out

She’s quiet and I wonder if she hung up. I’ve never said these things to her, after Josh died we all coexisted, not as a family just as humans sharing a house. Until I left.

“That’s not true,” she finally responds.

“It’s not? Because I don’t remember a single time since he died that you hugged me. That you told me you loved me. Dad either. You gave me whatever I wanted to shut me up and dropped me at hockey every chance you got. That’s not parenting, Mom.” I might be too harsh, but I feel like all the feelings I’ve locked and thrown away the key to are coming out right at this moment.

“Of course we have, Colton, that’s ridi–”

“No. You haven’t. Either of you. A single time.”

We are both silent. I’m not going to be the one to break it, either.

“I’m sorry,” she finally whispers, so quiet I almost think I’m imagining it.

Still, I say nothing, waiting for her.

“Losing Josh,” her voice cracks saying his name. “Broke us. It broke all of us, I know it broke you too and we just…we didn’t know how to be anymore.”

“But I was still here. Of course it broke me too, he was my best fucking friend, but I needed my fucking parents.” I’m about to break again, the tears starting to form, but I don’t want to let them fall.

“I know, Colton, I know. I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can say that will fix anything at this point, I know that.”

I blink away the fog from the tears. “No, there’s not.”

Silence again.

“Maybe next time you’re here we could…maybe come to your game?”

“I don’t think I’ll come back after this season,” I snap quickly. She sighs again and I feel bad for resorting to what I always have. “But maybe I could come visit when I have the time.”

“That would be nice.”

Immediately I think of Brynn and how I would want to bring her, she would make it better. My parents would love her, but I shake away the thoughts because I don’t think I’ll get the chance to ever know.

“Okay,” I nod. “I’ll let you know.”

“I love you, Colton. I should have showed it more, and there’s nothing I can do to make up for that.”

“Thank you,” I reply, because I can’t bring myself to say it back yet. It might be fucked up, but I just can’t right now.

We hang up, and I drop onto the bed, emotionally exhausted. Part of me is relieved to have said what has needed to be said for a long time. The other part feels even worse about all of it.

The tears I tried to hold back finally fall.

43

It’s like we’ve been fed to a pack of bloody hungry sharks with the way I’ve had to address, dodge, and handle everything coming at Spencer since she posted her response on social media. One would think that everyone could have accepted her statement and left her out of the drama further, but her name gets publicity. Which is why they keep using it.

I’m exhausted mentally and emotionally every day from all the emails, phone calls, and social media notifications. It’s almost been enough to distract me from how Colton looked when he left my apartment the other day. I saw something I didn’t think I would ever see from him. At that moment, he wasn’t the annoying asshole who was trying to get into my pants.

At that moment, he looked like his heart had just been shattered and I was the reason for it. I want to believe I did the right thing, but every day that passes I think I may have made a mistake shutting him out.

He’s changed.

And I think I believe him that he didn’t know about Kenneth and this whole bullshit.

But also, it might be better that whatever was going on ended there, before my brother found out. It’s for the best.

It’s that single thought that stops me from reaching out to him.

---