Page 101 of The Break Out

“Wheeler, get out there,” Coach barks at me, pulling me from my thoughts.

I hate how distracted I am this game, but I can’t think about anything other than Brynn and what happened earlier. Hockey is always my number one except now. Now, I couldn’t give a shit about this game or anything going on.

I take my position on the ice for the next puck drop. I’m positioned next to another defenseman from the other team, and he chirps, “You hear about your buddy Richardson?”

“Not my fucking buddy,” I grumble, not wanting to give into his antagonizing. For once I just want to get through the game and have it end.

“I knew all you fucking Spartans were dirty players but seems like you’re that way off the ice too.”

I turn my head slightly, but am still watching for the puck drop that keeps getting delayed when a player goes for it too soon. “Good thing I’m not a Spartan, then. Because I’m a Dragon.”

We shove at each other as the play starts. I get possession of the puck and race it down to their zone. Collee gets a perfect opening and takes it, sending the puck flying into the net.

He skates around with a minor celly, before skating up to the bench to fist bump the whole team, the rest of us on the ice follow. We end up switching lines and I sit back on the bench. I look over at my captain and think about saying something, but I don’t.

He notices me looking but doesn’t say anything either.

It’s not the time or place to say any of the things I want to.

I’m distracted for the rest of the game that I can hardly acknowledge that we even won. I deny a post-game interview because all I want to do is go home. I check my phone before getting into the shower, just hoping that maybe Brynn texted me something. But it’s radio silence. I know I’m really fucked when part of me hopes and thinks she’s going to be standing in the hall once I leave the locker room.

She’s not.

I check for her car in the parking lot, but it’s not there.

When I’m almost home, I even think about her being there waiting for me.

She’s not.

I think about texting her, especially as I climb into bed. Even for a second I think about calling her just to hear her voice. But I know she won’t answer, and I don’t need her to reject me again today.

So, instead, I go to bed alone. I used to prefer this, but ever since the first night I had her in my bed I have wanted to keep her here. And now I may never have her here with me again.

In the morning,I drag my ass to the team plane, plop down in my seat with my headphones in and close my eyes. No one tries to talk to me. And I don’t try to talk to any of them. I used to want to be left alone and I finally have gotten what I wanted.

All. Fucking. Alone.

No friends, no family. Just me, once again. Only this time I hate it.

I don’t even care where we’re playing, my plan is to wake up, practice, eat, play, sleep. Repeat forever.

My eyes close and by the time I open them we’ve already landed wherever we are, I join the team on the bus to the hotel. We have practice in two hours. I make the mistake of looking at my phone once I’m in my room and see another text from my mom, which is only making my mood worse.

Mom: How are you?

I don’t know what it is about the single message today. Maybe it’s the fact that I can’t just call Brynn to hear her voice and distract me. Maybe it’s because my entire world shattered just after I felt like it was beginning to get better. But for the first time in several months, I press the call button.

“Hello?” she answers with a raspy voice. I remember when Iwas younger, she would sing to us, and she had such a beautiful voice. Now, just like everything else, that’s gone.

I don’t say anything. I’m not sure why I even called, and as I open my mouth to say that my mom sighs on the other side.

“Seriously Colton, why call?”

My grip tightens on the phone. “Because I wanted to see if maybe you cared to talk to me for once, but I guess that hasn’t changed.”

“I just asked you how you were, and you’re the one that doesn’t respond,” she snaps defensively.

“Because I know you don’t really care. You never fucking have,” I explode. “I’m just an obligation, the son you have left that you didn’t want. I know you’d rather have Josh than me and I’m fucking sorry that’s not the case.”

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