Page 33 of Boss With Benefits

She was the only person who knew everything about him. She was the only person for whom he’d bought a private jet, resorted to subterfuge and arranged a romantic dinner. He thought she hung the moon and the stars. He worshipped the ground she walked on. She was magnificent.

She was also totally right about the hold that the past had on him.

En route from Hanoi, he’d happened upon an article in a magazine entirely dedicated to the green credentials of the Courtney Collection. The article was great—and so it should be when, where possible, he’d invested heavily in sustainable, ethical manufacturing and clean energy—but that wasn’t the point. The point was that two months ago, not that he’d have known exactly who was writing the article, when it was to be published and in which publication, but he would also havedemanded to see a copy before it went to print. This one, however, he hadn’t even been aware of.

It had hit him, then, like a blow to the head, that he’d almost entirely stepped away from the company in order to focus on Ella and their affair. He’d ceded control and disaster hadn’t struck. His recklessness had not led to chaos and devastation. Everything he’d worked for was still standing. He’d built something strong and lasting. Which proved hewasn’tlike his father in that respect, and perhaps not in any others either.

For years, he had feared that if he didn’t keep a tight control on everything and everyone, the genes he shared with his father would overrun him, but although he looked like the man, hewasn’ta chip off the old block. Yes, he’d once been selfish, thoughtless and irresponsible, but he’d been a teenager in a mess. Fourteen years had passed since then—years he’d spent knuckling down and forging his own path—and they counted.

The three weeks he’d spent away from the helm suggested that he didn’t have to keep quite such an iron grip on everything as he’d always believed. He could afford to take his foot off the pedal from time to time. He could afford to let go.

And not just of his issues with his father. But of those with his mother too. Because he wasn’t responsible for her death. Or maybe he was. Either way he’d never know.

Acquiring Montague’s certainly wasn’t going to give him any answers, he’d come to realise when he revisited the conversation he and Ella had had over piña coladas, awake and alone in the early hours in one hotel room or another. And it wasn’t going to bring his mother back. How could it? And what if it didn’t give him the absolution he craved? What if nothing would?

Did he really want to spend the rest of his life trapped in the past, hounded by his fears? Shouldn’t he try and take a leaf out of Ella’s book by accepting what had happened and moving on?If he just let it all go—as she’d suggested—he wouldn’t need redemption. He’d be free. Free to explore a relationship with his sister. Free to look to ahead instead of behind. Free to have Ella in his life with all the challenge, excitement and love she would bring to it.

So the only question that remained was, would she feel the same way?

It didn’t seem likely. When he thought of the manner in which he’d spoken to her, he felt physically sick. Driven by a ridiculous need to protect himself, he’d lashed out and hurt her. Devastatingly. He didn’t think he’d ever forget the bewilderment and pain in her eyes when he’d dismissed her feelings for him and denied his for her. The memory of it tore him apart and brought him to his knees.

He had to fix the mess he’d made of things, he thought grimly and repeatedly on the twenty-hour flight back to New York. He missed her more than he’d ever imagined possible. She was the most incredible woman he’d ever met and he couldn’t contemplate a future without her in it. He wanted her in his corner, in his bed, in his heart. He wanted everything she had to offer and give her everything he had in return. He would do whatever it took to get her back, he vowed above the Pacific, the southern states and then as they came into land. He just hoped he hadn’t left it too late.

For the first few days that followed her return to the city, Ella kept herself so busy she barely had time to breathe. Focusing purely on the practicalities, she filled the fridge and did the laundry. She watered the plants, sorted her post and then started prepping to go back to work and take up her promotion.

She had no intention whatsoever of wasting any more time on Adam, she reminded herself firmly whenever she was unexpectedly hit by a memory of something they’d done together or a conversation they’d had. She had never shed tears over anyone, let alone a man, and she wasn’t starting now. It was the super strong air conditioning that had stung her eyes on the long flight home, nothing else.

She wasn’t some wilting Regency heroine, pining over an unrequited love. She wasn’t a romantic any more than he was. She was a realist, a pragmatist, even if for those three crazy weeks, she’d temporarily forgotten that.

Every time she revisited that scene by the pool, which was far too often for comfort, she cringed. The things she’d said to him... The mortifying assumptions she’d made... The foolish feelings she’d thought she’d developed...

What on earth had she beenthinking? she repeatedly wondered with incredulous despair. Where had that soppy, sentimental wreck of a woman come from? That wasn’t her. That hadneverbeen her. Going all gooey at a few fairy lights and candles on the beach? Please. Fancying they shared some sort of an emotional connection? Honestly.

She simply couldn’t fathom how she’d actually believed herself to be in love with the man when she’d known right from the start that it was nothing more than a fling and he’d made her no promises. And as for putting him on some sort of a pedestal, as if he were a paragon of strength and protection to be worshipped, well, who knew what that had been about? She must have entered a parallel universe for a while.

But she was back in the real world now, back on track, and she needed no further distraction. So with more effort than she’d have liked, she shoved Adam from her head and forced herself to look forward. Which worked. Mostly. Enough, at least,to mean that come Monday morning, she was cool, calm and raring to go.

This was the start of the rest of her life, she told herself as she leapt out of bed and into the shower and resolutely did not think about the many showers she’d shared with the man who’d turned out instead to be a paragon of disappointment. It was what the whole of the last twelve months had been about—the chance to put everything behind her and move on with rising to the top of the auditing world.

However, the minute she stepped across the threshold of the company that had been her spiritual home for the last three years, something felt wrong. She ascended the lift to her floor and headed to the new office she’d been given, but with oddly little enthusiasm.

Nothing about the building had changed. Her colleagues were perfectly pleasant, even congratulatory, which should have delighted her way more than it did. It was just that she had the bizarre feeling she wasn’t the same woman who’d walked out the door six weeks ago.

Although supremely confident she could do the job, she felt off balance. For some reason, she was on edge. She couldn’t seem to shake the conversation she’d had with Adam about the circumstances of her promotion. She was hounded by the voice in her head, which sounded annoyingly like his, demanding to know whether she was really okay working at a place that was prepared to treat her so badly.

Despite her best efforts to banish it, it stayed there, relentlessly hammering away at her and dredging up memories of horrible conversations with management, the same management who’d so recently authorised the promotion that should have been hers all along.

It took the shine off her new role. It made her question her judgement and kept her up at night, tearing her apart in theearly hours because she’d fought so hard for it and wanted it for so long, yet now...she didn’t. In fact, it gave her self-respect so much grief that in the end she had to resign, so yet again her career was disrupted because of a man she’d become involved with.

But even though it had been a tough call to make, the subsequent absence of angst absolutely confirmed that resigning had been the right thing to do. The company’s values did not match her own, and hers mattered a lot. And at least this time,shewas in control of the professional decision she’d taken. It was now five days since she’d quit—Labor Day, in fact, not that the date held any significance for her at all—and she already had half a dozen interviews lined up. She had no doubt she’d have her pick of offers. So it was all good. It was all very good indeed.

Of course, resigning and leaving the office immediately to work out her notice at home had meant that she now had a lot of time on her hands with nothing much to occupy her brain. Endless trips to the gym might exhaust her body, but her mind seemed to be on overdrive.

But if she caught herself increasingly dwelling on her secret Caribbean affair, well, why wouldn’t she? It had been intense. She and Adam had packed a lot in. It was only natural that she experienced the odd moment of regret that he hadn’t wanted to continue their relationship, because she did miss the sex. Who wouldn’t?

She didn’t miss him, though. Oh, no. These days, she barely ever thought of the conversations they’d had and the things they’d done. She was over him. They were done. She wasn’t remotely interested in whether he’d won Helberg today and found the peace he sought.

And, yes, she might very occasionally have expended some energy reviewing how it had all ended, trying to figure outwhat had gone wrong, whether she could have done anything differently, but that was the analyst in her.

---