Page 24 of Timeless: Encore

I’ll throw the goddamn pills out tomorrow and tough it out before I’ll stress out my beautiful, sweet, sensitive, intuitive husband one minute longer.

He’s got a point, though. There are alternatives staring me in the face.

The idea of dredging up old shit with my mom terrifies me.

But, he’s worth it. So worth it.

And maybe—just maybe—I am too.

Chapter eight

ZANE

About a Month Later

We’renearlyoutofthe woods.

Fee should have the fucking Xanax out of her system soon. Hopefully for the last time.

After Chicago, at her insistence, we postponed New York and flew back home so she could see her doctor and wean off again. I could tell she was shocked that I knew she’d upped her dose.

That’s what scared me. It wasn’t hard to figure out. Not at all. Fiona was noticeably loopy, almost like she was drunk. She was so tired. Sleepy. The biggest indication was when sarcastic, witty Fee was essentially replaced by her eerie twin, docile Stepford Fee.

I can’t help but shudder.

Today marks her fourth week detoxing with four to six weeks to go—it’s such a fucking long process. Fee’s convinced she needs some sort of medicinal help so we researched alternative pharmaceutical long-term solutions. Zoloft. Lexapro. Klonopin. Midazolam. Holy hell. The meds are either highly addictive or come with brutal side effects..

Fee was distraught until my mom suggested we talk to a naturopath. Turns out there are great alternative medical options. We have an herbal remedy plan Fee is actually excited about.

I’ll admit, I was a bit skeptical. Now, I’m convinced. Natural. Less negative side effects. In many instances, far better results in changing a brain’s chemistry and how it responds to anxiety.

Fiona being fully invested is the key. She’s taking Ashwagandha and Passionflower and will add in Valarian after the Xanax has worked its way out of her system. In the meantime, her naturopath prescribed herbal concoctions to take before bed if she needs help sleeping.

The extent and length of her anxiety continues to break my heart. The fact she’s been living with it…

God.

In our first session, I learned Fee was prescribed a benzo years ago. To deal with our breakup. Then again after Gus died. To get through her grief.

It was surprising news. I thought we told each other everything.

I’m not mad. Or hurt. Mostly sad at the circumstances of why she didn’t tell me.

The thing is, when I showed up for Fee at Gus’s funeral, we hadn’t spoken in over two years. I knew she needed me. I felt it in my bones. The energy between us was powerful. Charged. But our relationship was tenuous for a long, long time.

It took months for her to begin to trust me. We had to repair our fractured friendship. For Mia’s sake. I certainly wasn’t “Daddy” back then. She called me “Unka Zane” for fuck’s sake. I wonder if she remembers that?

Anyway, it was well over a year before anything romantic happened between us. By the time we were fucking again, Fiona had long stopped taking Xanax.

So I thought.

When the custody situation took a turn, I knew she had a script for benzos to stay sane in the face of a terrible crisis. It made sense to me. She hadn’t been sleeping. Her emotions were off the charts. The prospect of losing custody of Mia was…unfathomable.

Holy fucking shit, though. None of her doctors ever explained how addictive the stuff is. Or how dangerous it is to go off it cold turkey. Her magic solution for life’s overwhelming moments has a steep, steep price.

It’s been a stressful few weeks, but we’re coping. Together.

As for now, I’m in my studio in our basement practicing. Tonight, Fracturedis playing the Angel of the Winds Arena in Everett, which is an hour north of Seattle. They invited me to jam onstage. I love the band and I’m familiar with their music, but LTZ has never played a show with them so I haven’t seen them live. I’ve been holed up for hours watching YouTube and learning their tunes.

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