Page 23 of Timeless: Encore

Loves me.

This is pure fucking bliss.

Minutes later, we fall into bed, wrapped together. I cradle his head against my chest. Stroke his soft hair with my nails. My words come out slurred. Happy. “I want us to have kids, Zaney. We will. A bunch of them. Give me a year or so. I’ll still be young enough to bear an entire team of mini-Zanes.”

“That’s fair.” He pulls me snug against him. “I’m so proud of you.”

I rake my nails lightly against his pecs. “Why? I haven’t done anything yet.”

“Not true. You’re a wonderful mom to Mia. You’re a phenomenal chef. Sense of humor. Leader. Strength. Determination. Focus. But you’re also soft. Sweet. Caring. Empathetic. Generous. You could have turned out a lot worse, considering.” He peppers kisses on my temple.

I think about what he says. “Yeah…”

“No. Stop with the hamsters in your head.” Zane tilts my chin up to look at him. “Tonight, for the first time in a long time, you were relaxed. Yet also fiery. Like your old self … before. You were in your element. I hate that your confidence was damaged. It pisses me off. You didn’t deserve for that to happen to you.”

Tears unexpectedly fill my eyes. “I’m sorry …”

“Oh, God, babe. No.” He grips my jaw gently. “Don’t ever be sorry for things that aren’t your fault. Don’t let me put my shit on you either. I guess with so much time on my hands I’ve been thinking. Reflecting. I’ve decided to schedule some sessions with Lisa Kincaid.”

Lisa is Zane’s therapist. She’s helped members of LTZ over the years because her specialty is working with musicians and creatives. “Wow. I haven’t heard you mention her in a long time.”

“Well, you never made the appointment with the therapist your doctor referred. I’m not going to force you. You’re not into it.” His voice is a whisper.

“We’ve been a bit busy traveling around the country.” I trace his nipple with my nail.

We lay quietly for a while. Finally Zane speaks. “Fee, it’s okay if you aren’t ready. As for me? I don’t want to make mistakes with Mia. I’m going to talk to someone. I’m telling you this because know I can say anything to you and I’m safe. I trust you. Even if you get lost in your head sometimes, I hope you know I’m not going anywhere. Our bond is unbreakable.”

Ohmygod. He knows.

Zane’s fingers stroke my arm lightly. “Baby, here’s the thing. You don’t need to walk on pins and needles. You don’t need to keep things from me. There is literally nothing you could do or say to ever make me leave you. Whatever obstacle we face, I know it’ll be better if we tackle it together. Therapy saved my life as a kid. I have no shame in needing it as an adult.”

“You want therapy for our relationship?” I’m stunned.

He props himself up on an elbow. Runs his knuckles along my cheek. “Mostly, I want it for me. I’m struggling with my own identity. I miss my band. I haven’t talked to any of them in a month. Not even a text from any of them. It makes me sad. I feel displaced. I’m lonely without my band brothers. You’re clearly struggling too. There’s no judgement in that observation. I’d like us to be healthy. I’d like us to be there for each other like we always have been.”

Holy shit, this man knows me so much better than I know myself. After Carter’s overdose, Lianne put Zane into therapy to learn how to cope with an addictive father. I remember my mom scoffing at the idea. So many times she poked fun at “weak” little Zane. I think about all of the shitty little comments she’d make when we’d go on our summer vacations. It breaks my heart. Not just for him. For me.

Zane always took it like a champ. He knew that however many digs she made at him, she made ten times as many at me.

“Do you think I’m turning into Faye? Please tell me the truth. I’d die before I’d ever subject Mia to anything like ...” My eyes plead with Zane.

Since Zane and I got married, whenever I see my mother, it ends up in a fight. It’s exhausting. Soul crushing.

He shakes his head vigorously. “No. The truth is you’re nothing like her.” He pauses, considering what else he’s going to say. “In all fairness, I think you carry all of the lies she told you about yourself deep in your psyche though. I want to exorcise that shit out of you. Whenever I see doubt or fear or whatever in your face, it guts me.”

“If you think I should go talk to someone—I’ll do it. No excuses. Let’s finish out our trip and we’ll set it up for when we get back.” I clutch his arms. “I love you so much, aside from my dad, you’re the only one who’s ever truly had my best interests at heart.”

“I’ll always have your back, babe. Always.” Zane’s entire body relaxes in relief.

“I’ve upped my dose rather than weaning off,” I confess.

He nods. I knew it. He already knows.

“You weren’t going to say anything?” I can’t bear putting Zane through more addiction shit. He’s had enough for two lifetimes.

Zane sucks in a breath. “Not yet. I know why you need them. I just wish you didn’t. Or wouldn’t.”

Wow. Direct hit to the core.

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