Page 20 of Signs and Signals

When I look at Amara, her hand is covering her mouth, her eyes wide and glossy, and I am not certain she is breathing. I look at Haven, and she is smiling so brightly, my entire being instantly warms. My blue eyes find the green ones that seem to be connected by an invisible thread, his smile is so big, thosedeep, delicious dimples are more prominent than I have yet to see, he now understands why I was teaching him ASL.

Years from now when I look back on this moment, I can honestly say, it was this moment I knew I was in love with him, and that scared the shit out of me.

While I was finishing up dinner, Amara and Haven kept Atlas entertained, probably more than any of us bargained for. Haven, Amara, and Atlas are all sitting around the huge coffee table in front of the sectional, making bracelets. Amara is translating for Haven, since she signs and translates faster than Atlas, since he is still new to sign language and translating other people’s signs—Atlas is still using the words he knows as he responds to them.

Amara starts laughing, and I can hear Atlas mumbling about “trying his best” as I walk toward the living to see what all the fuss is about.

“Indya, you are not going to believe what Haven told Atlas,”Amara says as soon as I step into the living room.

At this moment, I am both scared and anxious to know what came out of my four-year-olds mouth. These days it could have been anything. Amara and I like to joke that she is four going on forty, from her personality and the little things she does and even the things she asks to try out.

A couple weeks ago she asked me if I would teach her to knit a sweater. I had to get online and watch a bunch of videos to learn how, because I will be damned if Haven wants to learn something new, that I will be the one to stop her from being the best damn knitter in town. I look at Atlas and I swear I see some pink staining his cheeks, which makes me fall a little more. Then Amara begins telling me what was happening.

Haven was telling Atlas how this is what people who are friends do, make bracelets. She said it is how they go from friends to best friends. Then Atlas here says he would behonored to be her friend and eventually best friend by making bracelets with her. Then randomly, Haven stops creating and looks Atlas deep in his eyes and says, ‘I hope I get better at my sentences, facial emotions, and body language soon, because if this is how Aunt Mar and mama feels when I am talking to them, I feel bad, because it is exhausting trying to understand what you are saying with a bunch of words missing.’ That’s not it, she paused for effect, then said, ‘but you do okay for a boy who is just starting out, but you should definitely practice more.’

Now it is my face that is turning dark shades of pink, I am so embarrassed. I look at Atlas, worried her little mouth ruined whatever it is happening between us. When I look at him, I see that he is watching Haven, the entire time Amara is telling me about the conversation they had, his eyes are on her. He looks at her like she is the most interesting person he has ever met and wants to know more about her, willing to take the unapologetic comments and remarks she gives him.

I look to Haven, but she is locked into a staring contest with Atlas, so I head to the light switch, flipping it on and off a couple times, her eyes meet mine quickly.

Haven, you shouldn’t say things like that to people. It could hurt their feelings, especially when they are trying so hard to learn and remember everything that was taught to them. Do you remember when we practice our facial expressions for certain words and how we want others to know how we are feeling with those words?

I feel a little bad reprimanding her in front of Atlas, but I don’t want him to think that we let her speak to anyone however she wants. She is learning manners, and what is and isn’t acceptable to people she doesn’t know or know well. I know that she didn’t say it to hurt his feelings or to downplay the hard work he has put into what he does know in ASL. Her eyes are startingto gloss over, because no matter how outspoken and ballsy she is, she is still a little girl, and one that is sensitive when it comes to others’ emotions and feelings.

I sorry, Atlas. I no mean to hurt your feelings. It's hard to know what you say sometimes, signs gone. I still learning, like you. Please, forgive me. I sorry. You still want be my friend? No friend, cause I mean?

My heart hurts for her, knowing she didn’t mean it the way it came across. But before Atlas can respond, I walk over and sit on the floor between him and Haven.

That was very nice of you to apologize, Haven. I am so proud of you for doing that on your own, and not because Aunt Mar or I told you to. I am not upset with you, and you are not in trouble. This is just me teaching you, just like with signs, facial expressions, body language, and learning to look for Aunt Mar or I when we flicker the light. I understand that you were telling him that you feel bad because signing a lot of words at the same time is hard for you because you are still learning, just like Atlas is still learning. I know you did not intentionally want to hurt his feelings or make him feel as though he was not working hard at each sign and what it means. Putting all the signs of different words to make a sentence is hard work and takes time and practice. So, from now on, just think, would it hurt your feelings if someone said that to you. If your answer is yes, it would hurt my feelings, then there is a great chance you should not say it to someone else, especially someone you just met. Do you understand what I am trying to say, what I am trying to teach you?

She nods her head, curls bouncing all over the place, inhaling deeply. I turn to look at Atlas, and he has a weird look on his face, one I haven’t seen before. If I focus on the emotion and expression only, not those sexy dimples or his exotic green eyes, it almost looks like awe, mixed in with a touchof admiration and a sense of wonder. His smile is so big, and he is staring right at me. My heart is pounding, I feel like it is about to beat out of my chest and onto the coffee table. I break eye contact and give my attention back to Haven, and she lifts her little hands from the bracelet she was still working on.

We practice together? Me and Atlas?

I let her know that he is at work when the two of us practice and explained that sometimes he will be out of town for baseball games. That he is very busy this time of year because of his work. But when Atlas is available and wants to, I promise her he is more than welcome to join us anytime. She seems to accept my answer, now she moved on to Atlas.

You hear mama, Atlas. You practice with me, when you no work. Deal?

Deal, princess.

Haven’s eyes widen at the nickname he has given her, as do mine. I haven’t told him anything about Haven the entire time we have been seeing each other, so for him to call her princess out of all the names he could have called her, has shocked the both of us.

How you know? You my prince? Mama’s prince? Our prince? You make me and mama smile big. I like you. We friends now. Here.

She pushes the bracelet she has finished toward him, not giving him a chance to refuse her gift or her friendship, not even to answer her questions. He stretches his left arm before me, and I tie the colorful strings tight. Once I am satisfied that it isn’t going to come untied, I turn his wrist to see what she has added to the multicolored strings.

She added a charm with two baseball bats set in a triangle, a baseball nestled in the open space between the bats, hugging the thick thread. Next to that is a red heart on a whitebead, and on the other side, a charm displaying the sign for “I love you.”

I remove my hand from his wrist and turn away, not wanting them to see the emotions welling up inside me. The significance of the evening, the gestures, and the connections made are overwhelming. I hear Atlas clear his throat and Amara sniffle. When I turn to look at her, she too is facing away, her hand covering her mouth, eyes glossy with unshed tears.

I’m honored, Haven. Never take it off. Promise. Swear on baseball.

Amara and I laugh at the last part, he seems to always know what to say to make any highly emotional situation, more at ease. I stare into his eyes hoping he can see everything that I am feeling for him, just as I can see everything through him. Haven shocks us all by jumping up and running to hug Atlas around the neck, her little arms squeezing so tight, and he wraps his big ones around her little body in a protective way, in a loving way, it brings the waterworks again.

Fucking hell, this was not supposed to be an emotional evening, it was supposed to be laid back and fun. We ended up not going to the pond to feed the ducks, deciding to stay in and watch a movie and eat ice cream, which was fine by me.

Amara carried a sleeping Haven to her room, as I walked Atlas to the door to say goodnight. It was so sweet to watch him lay his lips on my daughter’s head of curls, whispering, good night, princess, even though she could not hear his tender words, she let out a sigh, as though she had.

Atlas and I stand by the door, neither of us ready to say goodnight. He had mentioned earlier that he needed to be at the clubhouse by four in the morning for the next leg of away games. It’s now 11:45, and I hope he doesn’t miss his alarm. Still, he doesn’t seem bothered by staying here a bit longer.