Page 85 of Crossed Sticks

“Being sorry doesn’t make this shitshow any better, does it? Stop trying to run my life. You checked out of it a long time ago, so mind your own business.”

His jaw dropped, and it took a few tries before he said, “I didn’t. You know I love you.”

“Bullshit! You haven’t…”

The tears trailing down his cheeks stopped me, but not for the same reason they always had. While I didn’t want to hug him and make everything okay, I needed to be careful not to say things I didn’t mean. If we were to remain friends, we had a lot to work out.

It might be better to separate my connection to Caleb from my relationship with Harp. As tempting as it was to believe he did, I wondered if Caleb had actually caused the problems between Harper and me. Harp and I each had our own wounds, so it was possible Caleb only precipitated a crisis that would have happened in time, even without him in the picture.

The deep gashes from our pasts left Harp and me paranoid, ready to believe the worst. I expected to be hurt, and I was pretty sure Harper did, too. Perhaps unknowingly, Caleb had played into that. He’d been tired from travel, emotionally exhausted from fighting with Daniel, and wary of what I had with Harper.He’d acted thoughtlessly, especially when Harp came upstairs that morning, and although Caleb may have lit the spark, Harp and I had brought the dynamite.

After the explosion, Harp and I overreacted. Because of our past hurts, we didn’t know how to deal with the trauma, so we followed our instincts. Harp, feeling rejected, had run away to hide from the pain. I’d wanted to talk things out and move on, but after Harper left, I felt like he was so wrapped up in his own life I didn’t matter.

Harp and I had to discuss this, but we could do that when I called him tomorrow. Right now, I needed to do something else that was long overdue. It might mean the end of a friendship, but it could also be the beginning of healing it. Resolving to remain calm, I looked at Caleb. “We need to talk.”

34/

luca

Caleb grippedhis hands together and placed them on his lap. The glint of fear in his eyes made me consider what I was about to do, but hashing out our feelings about each other was something that had to happen. Though he may have thought I was about to end our friendship, my intent was the opposite—I wanted to save it. “Things have been weird between us for years,” I began. “Our friendship changed when we started having sex, and then it changed again when you fell in love with Daniel.”

“I never promised you anything beyond friendship. We specifically agreed we were only friends with benefits, and we were free to date and have sex with other people. You always knew I was looking for someone long-term.”

“Yes, and I wanted to be that person.”

He scoffed, and his voice took on a sharp edge. “Funny how you never told me that until after I was with Daniel.”

I was determined to remain calm, even if Caleb didn’t. “You think it wasn’t funny how you never mentioned Daniel until you had to?”

“I told you about him as soon as I realized he was at Marlowe.”

“You said how much he’d hurt you, and how you didn’t know if you could stand seeing him in class every day. After that, not another word until you were dating him, and you didn’t even care enough to tell me yourself. I had to hear it secondhand, like someone you barely knew.” The sharp clench of my stomach surprised me. I’d relived what happened—how devastated I was—a million times. The pain got worse over the years, but Caleb and I had never discussed it like this.

“How were you any better? Don’t you remember what a jerk you were?”

“That lasted all of one day before I told you I was in love with you, which you barely sneezed at.”

“That isn’t fucking fair. I felt awful about how upset you were.”

I waved a hand, signaling him to keep his voice down. “And after my one day of being a bastard, I did everything I could to help you both. I’ve supported you ever since.”

He blew out an angry breath. “And I’ve thanked you ever since. How long do I have to keep doing it?”

“You’ve said it enough.” My voice was harsh, and I spent a moment trying to calm down. “I don’t need you to keep telling me. I need you to show me.”

“Show you what? What the hell do you expect me to do?”

“Keep your voice down, to start with. You want the nurse coming back?”

He shook his head and stared at the wall.

“Show me I’m important enough to let me have my own life,” I said. “Treat me with more respect as far as you and Daniel are concerned. Allow me to be happy and support me as much as I have you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The hell you don’t. Look at me, Cale.”

He turned his head and glowered in my direction. “I treat you with respect. How many times have I said I want you to be happy? If you haven’t heard me, that’s your problem.” He’d gotten too loud again, but I allowed him to have his moment of righteous indignation.

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