Page 73 of Crossed Sticks

Really? He was struggling? Well, guess what—I was fucking struggling, too, and I wasn’t hanging out with friends leaving Harper wondering if I even cared he was alive. Swallowing my anger, I’d replied immediately.

LUCA: Please come home so we can work things out. There’s no point in us both hurting.

No reply.Thanks for the love, Harp.

I was thirsty, but the bottle of water on the nightstand was empty. Since it was the last one I’d brought upstairs, I had to go down to get more. After stopping in the bathroom, I headed to the kitchen. Finding no cold water in the fridge, I grabbed a case of twenty-four bottles and lugged it upstairs. After taking two rest stops along the way, I finally crawled back into bed.

The sour smell of the sheets made me wonder if I should shower, so I lifted an arm and sniffed. Fuck it, no worse thanafter a hard game, and nobody was around to care. I pulled the covers over my head and stared into the darkness until I fell asleep.

28/

harper

On Sunday morning,I woke up thinking about Luca. I’d dreamed we were at Lake Erie Beach watching another sunset. After it got dark, we walked beside the water, talking about what was happening between us. Everything had seemed so real, and I could still feel his hand holding mine. I’d missed him terribly since leaving Buffalo. After a week of agonizing over every detail, I was still uncertain about the truth, and I didn’t know how I felt.

Will I ever know for sure what happened? Not if I don’t talk to Luca.

Had I been unfair by jumping to conclusions after I found him and Caleb in bed together? At least, Ialmostfound them in bed together. Had Caleb really not gone upstairs until early morning because he got cold on the couch? Was it all as innocent as Luca claimed?

A different thought had crept into my mind last night while I stared at the ceiling. If nothing physical happened between Luca and Caleb, had there still been an emotional betrayal? After Caleb was such an asshole to Luca, could Luca still be hung up on him? Staying with Caleb all night spoke volumes, even if I didn’t really understand the language.

Though I’d told them to go upstairs and talk, I never imagined they’d spend the night together. What kind of person does that when they know their boyfriend is waiting for them? When Caleb blew into town sniffling and whining, batting his big blue eyes and running his fingers through his pretty blond hair, Luca had melted into a puddle. He apparently had no boundaries where Caleb was concerned, and if you give someone else precedence over the person who’s supposed to be your boyfriend, that’s cheating on some level.

I’d never been anyone’s top priority, but Luca had convinced me he was different. His words and actions were unlike anything I’d ever experienced, and though doubts had still found their way in, I kept dismissing them. The gifts he gave me before we were supposed to leave for Maine only strengthened my belief that I’d found my guy at last.

But things weren’t different. Regardless of how well things started with men, I never turned out to be the one they wanted to keep. Luca was the same as all the others; he’d thought I was good enough to hang with and fuck, but the minute his precious Caleb appeared on the scene, I became disposable.

Levi’s voice rang out from downstairs. He and Eckie had breakfast together every morning, talking about whatever came into their minds. Music played in the background—Van Halen?—and I remembered how much Eckie had always liked the oldies. Now, he’d passed the love of music along to his son. They laughed, and I wanted to go downstairs and see what was so funny.

Would Luca and I have ever been dads? We’d been too caught up in the present to envision a future, but the idea had crossed my mind. I envisioned Luca as a father—patient, gentle, and with a love for our kids that mirrored his love for me. For the first time in a week, warmth wound its way around my heart as I pictured us together, walking on Lake Erie Beach with a littleone between us, holding our hands. Laughter would fill the air after Luca told one of his silly dad jokes.

What the hell was I thinking? More fantasy? Like I should go back with my tail between my legs and be hurt all over again?

But what if I was wrong? Everything Luca said could have been true. Would running away from him cost us both a wonderful future? If he was innocent, what did that say about me? What had I done, and why was I so quick to assume he was guilty?

I opened the nightstand drawer and took out a paper I’d brought along. Hoping it wouldn’t crush me, I started reading.

Dear Harp,

I’ve always wanted to take a one-on-one trip with my boyfriend. Problem was, I never had one. I used to be sad about that, but now I’ve got the best man there is, and you were worth the wait.

I’m super excited about our trip to Maine. Not just happy to go, but amazed by what it means for us. We’ve both had too much sadness and heartbreak, and now we have a chance to be happy. I hope this vacation is so great that we’ll never want it to end. I already don’t.

You’ve exceeded all my expectations I ever had for men, and I pray I can do the same for you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m hitting the road hoping we’ll be taking Maine vacations when we’re both gray, when hockey and lacrosse are distant memories. Can you join me in that wish?

Yours,

Luca

I didn’t fight the tears that sprang to my eyes, and my cheeks grew wet as I considered what to do. I had no choice about returning to Buffalo because training camp would start in two days. Whatever had happened with Caleb, I couldn’t deny I still cared for Luca. “He’s not the kind of man to cheat” pounded in my head like the lyrics to one of Eckie’s 1980s songs, but they alternated with a loud chorus of “Protect yourself, protect yourself, protect yourself.” I reread the letter, then cried some more. What a fucking mess I was, not wanting to say goodbye but unsure we could stay together.Fuck me.With a heavy sigh, I reached for my phone.

HARPER: I’ll drive back to Buffalo tomorrow, and training camp starts Tuesday morning. If you still want to talk, could we do it tomorrow after I get there?

I hesitated, but with no real choice, I pressed Send. The status said “Delivered” but not “Read,” and no typing bubbles appeared. Luca was probably in the middle of something and would reply soon. Another peal of laughter rang out from downstairs, and this time, Jack’s low rumble had joined the mix. It was time to go tell them what I’d decided, and then try to enjoy the last day I’d spend with them for a while.

I stopped for a snack in Bradford, Pennsylvania. Though it had taken Luca several hours to get back to me yesterday, he’d already texted multiple times today.

LUCA: I’m so excited to see you. Do you know what time you’ll be here?

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