Page 30 of Tiers of Joy

“Well thank you. I guess I should be going, have a good Christmas Esme.” Gaige states, leaning in and kissing my cheek.

“You too.” I smile.

After he's gone I run to the store and treat myself to chocolate, some nibbles, and a few bottles of wine.

Everyone I pass is rushing around getting their last few bits ready for Christmas. The snow is falling heavily too, it’s going to be a white Christmas. I suppose that’s normal here.

I get back and curl up on my rocking chair just watching everyone walk by in the snow with kids on their sledges being pulled along. I yawn and feel my eyes become heavy and drift off to sleep.

When I awake it’s dark and the street is quiet. I look at the time and see it’s nearly midnight. I shuffle myself to bed and climb under the covers.

The next morning I make a coffee and pull out the photo album that Sally made for me. It’s all of mine and Jay’s memories together. Our first Christmas together we had no money and all I could afford was to get him a pair of Santa socks. He got me a big bar of my favourite chocolate. We had nothing but we were so happy. I sniffle and wipe away the tears. In the years after that we always made ourselves a special breakfast in bed, opened our presents in bed, and didn’t move for the entire day. We didn’t eat a Christmas dinner. Instead we binged on nibbles and chocolate all day while watching back to back Christmas movies.

I sit in bed and do the same but without proper electrics I just keep looking through the photo album and occasionally read some of my book. I cry a lot.

“I miss you so much Jay. God I feel so alone. This isn’t the same without you.” I sniff.

There's a knock at the door. I frown and walk down to open it, wondering who on earth would be here on Christmas day.

Gaige.

He watches me through the glass with concern on his face. I open the door and force a smile.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” My voice cracks.

He doesn’t say anything, he just steps forward and pulls me in for a hug.

I break and start sobbing in his arms. Gaige bends down and picks me up. He carries me upstairs to bed and just sits with me, holding me.

“I'm sorry, it’s just it’s the first Christmas without him. It doesn’t feel right. My heart feels like it has this big open hole that’ll never get filled. I'm so alone Gaige. I've never felt so alone.” I sob.

Gaige hugs me tighter and kisses the top of my head. We stay like this for a while until I calm down.

“I'm sorry.” I apologise.

“You have nothing to apologise for.” He states, stroking the hair from my face.

“Why are you here?” I ask.

“I opened my present and I wanted to come and say thank you. I also hated the thought of you on your own on Christmas day.” He states.

I look down and realise he’s wearing his present. I jump off of his lap and smile, wiping away my tears.

“You're wearing it!” I smile.

“I am but I don’t get it.” He states.

I got him a Monty Python t-shirt that says ‘I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.’ I laugh. I grab my phone and search the clip. When I find it I click play and show him.

I watch his lips twitch while watching it. I giggle.

“See! It’s because you’re all macho, a butch lumberjack!” I smile.

“I don’t wear suspenders and a bra though.” He adds.

“Well, in all fairness I didn’t know that. This is how I learnt about Canada growing up.” I state with a straight face.

“You serious?” He asks, totally falling for it.

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