Page 143 of Tiers of Joy

“You know most women find it more comfortable to give birth on all fours like cattle do.” Norman points out.

“Oh my god! Someone shut him up!” I cry.

“Esme I need to pull off your underwear, tights, and boots. Don’t worry I will make sure you’re covered.” Dawn states.

“Ha! I wonder what environmental health would say about this.” Norman snorts.

“Okay that’s enough from you. One more word and I am throwing you out.” Amy threatens.

“Alright, only making a point.” He says holding up his hands in defence.

“Where’s my piping bag? I’m going to frost him. Ahhh!” I cry out.

“I think you have more pressing matters right now sweetie.” Amy states.

“Okay Esme. Tell me if you feel like pushing. I’m not a doctor but I’ve been where you are now. Until Doc gets his ass here we are just going to have to make do.” Dawn states.

“Are you not going to check how dilated she is? She could get the desire to push at eight centimetres but she needs to be ten or she will tear.” Norman states.

“Tear?! I don’t want to tear! I’m not pushing. Uh-uh, no way. Baby can just stay up in there. I shall just cross my legs…annndd fuuuuck!” I scream as another contraction cripples me.

“One minute and thirty-five seconds apart.” Norman informs us.

“Jesus Christ will you either shut up or actually do something to help?!” Dawn yells at him.

Amy places a cold damp cloth on my forehead and tries to comfort me.

“Where the hell is Doc? Where is Gaige?!” I shout, making Josie jump.

“I will call them for an update.” Josie says scurrying off.

“OH god this hurts a fucking lot! I need drugs. Does anyone have any drugs? Cannabis, cocaine, heroin. I’m open to suggestions?!” I beg.

“Um no sorry sweetie. I have Paracetamol.” Amy offers.

“Paracetamol! Paracetamol! I don’t have a fucking headache! I have a great big bastard baby trying to come out of my vagina!” I yell. I’m panting.

Josie comes running in.

“Doc is here! He’s just parked up.” Josie says with relief.

“Oh thank god!” I cry.

There’s a knock on the door and Norman opens it. Doc comes rushing in from the blizzard.

“Patient is contracting every minute and a half. I think she’s probably close to ten centimetres right now. Coping well with pain. No meds given.” Norman says to Doc.

“Who are you?” Doc asks.

“Oh my god will you just shut up! Doc please hurry, I have a baby torturing me.” I cry out as another contraction hits.

“Okay step aside please. Let me take a look.” Doc crouches down and looks under the blanket.

He reaches for his bag and put on some gloves.

“Okay Esme, I can see the head. You’ll probably get the urge to push and when you do, with each contraction, I want you to bare down and push with everything you’ve got.” Doc orders.

“But Gaige.” I wail.

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