Page 83 of The Final Beat

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Because I’ve got to be honest, you’ve got my nerves tighter than a pube caught in knicker elastic.”

He shook his head and sighed. “You know what’s wrong with me. That little speech at dinner. We’ve had fun and now it’s over. That isn’t what we agreed, Daisy.”

“I don’t think we agreed to anything,” I snapped. “We said we’d spend this time together and then when we got back see how we felt.”

“Exactly, and that isn’t the same as it being over.”

Grabbing my hair, I pushed it back from my face and groaned. “God, it’s just words, Joey. It means the same thing. It is over, for now.”

“No. No it’s no, Dais’ and you know it,” he yelled. “That is not what we agreed.”

“There was no agreement,” I cried, striding across the room to him. “We talked about how it might be once we’re gone. Remember what goes on tour, stays on tour.”

“That’s just a phrase and it’s not what I want anyway.” His hand slammed down on the table, rattling the vase of flowers. “Youdecided that we should wait until we get back, not me. I wanted to keep things going while we were both on tour. I wanted us to try and meet up whenever we could. I wanted to put a label on us.” He threw his hands in the air and looked up at the ceiling. “Christ, I’m turning into a bloody teenage girl.”

“You never said that.” My heart began thudding as I thought about his words… How I felt about them and what he’d hoped, what he’d thought that we could be. “I couldn’t do that anyway. I can’t pretend that this,” I pointed a finger between the two of us, “is something permanent, Joey. Because it isn’t. It can’t be. I can’t go there.”

“Why the fuck not?” He grabbed my hand and pulled me closer. “Why can’t we be more? Why can’t I go to LA and tell everyone that we’re together, that we’re keeping in touch and that when we get back we’re going to pick up where we left off and be together.”

I shook my head slowly. “No. I can’t do that, Joey. You know that I can’t.”

“Why the fuck not?” There was pain etched on his features as he tugged on my hand. “We’ve been good these last two weeks. Not just good but amazing. We could have that all the time. You were opening yourself up to me, letting your heart open to the possibility.”

I pulled my hand free, wrapping my arms around my waist, clinging tightly to try and push the pain away. “We can’t, Joey, we fucking can’t and you know it. I will never be able to give you what you want, and I don’t mean a family because there are ways around that. I mean I can’t give you me.” I stabbed at my chest with my finger, trying to ignore the tears which were starting to sting my eyes. “Me, Joey, I can’t give you me. Not the whole me. Certainly not my heart. I can’t give you that, Joey, I just can’t.”

The tears in his eyes made them look like melted chocolate and my heart cracked as he rubbed at his breastbone. He shook his head and reached out his hand, but when I didn’t move he dropped it back to his side.

“Why, Daisy?” he begged. “Why can’t you?”

“I just can’t. I’m too fucking damaged. You’d just end up hating me.”

“I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.”

Drawing in a ragged breath, I nodded. “Yes, you would. I’m that bitch who people find hard to love. And so, if we do this, you’ll end up trying to reason with me and the more you do the more I’ll hate you back.”

“Nope. No, I couldn’t because I fucking love you,” he whispered. “I fucking love you, Daisy.”

My legs wobbled and I had to catch hold of a chair to steady myself, just as a gut wrenching sob pushed out of my throat.

“You can’t,” I begged. “Please say you don’t.”

Joey shook his head. “Too late, Daisy, because I do.” He took a deep breath and turned for the door. “I do love you whether you like it or not.”

As I heard the front door slam shut, I let go of the chair and fell to the floor, crying like I hadn’t cried since the day I’d lost my child.

CHAPTER 36

JOEY

In three years, I didn’t think I’d been so close to having a drink as the moment I walked through my front door after Destiny had given me a metaphoric kick in the nuts. There wasn’t any booze in the apartment, but I’d been close to going out and buying some. Instead, I packed my case and sat in the darkness contemplating my fucking life.

When I’d finally gone to bed, I tossed and turned and barely got a wink of sleep which was why I was in a foul mood. I was so angry that my breakfast had ended across the kitchen. There was no reason for it, other than I didn’t like the look of my Corn Flakes.

While wiping up the milk that was pooled on the floor, there was a knock at my front door. My heart jumped as I wondered whether it might be Destiny.

“Yeah,” I said, breathlessly as I yanked the door open.

“Hey Joe.” It was Ronnie, looking more than a little sheepish, scratching his head.

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