Page 50 of The First Chord

“Don’t be. It was a long time ago.”

“I know, but to lose both parents so close together.” We turned to look at each other and I was sure that I could see tears brimming against her eyelashes.

“Hey, don’t get upset. It’s fine, honestly.” Maybe I shouldn’t have touched her again, so soon after the hug in my kitchen. I couldn’t stop myself, though, and took her hand in mine. Her skin was warm and soft, and it took everything I had not to link our fingers together, because that would be far too intimate.

Amber turned back to look at the headstone. “You keep it lovely.”

“Auntie Mo does it mostly.” We’d driven over two hours to get there, and it struck me it wasn’t exactly what Amber might have been expecting. “I will take you somewhere nice for lunch, I promise. I know that this isn’t exactly the nicest place for a… erm a visit.” I almost said date.

Fuck, I’m a dick.

“You don’t have to do that,” Amber said with a sweet smile. “I appreciate you bringing me here, though. I feel honoured.”

Crouching down, I picked a couple of dead flowers from the pot and rearranged the rest of them to fill the gap. After wiping off some dirt from my dad’s name, I sat back on my arse and pulled my knees up. Within seconds Amber joined me, her position mimicking mine. The closeness felt good. I appreciated being at the graveside with someone, not being alone. It wasn’t that the guys hadn’t ever offered to go with me, they had, but I’d always preferred to be on my own when I yelled at my mum.Notbeing alone, though, was much better. It stopped me from venting for one. Negative thoughts weren’t ever good for anyone, least of all me who always felt crippled by everyone else’s sadness.

“So,” Amber said with a sigh. “What’s going on in that head of yours? I don’t think it’s just being here at their graveside.”

I raised an eyebrow in surprise at how perceptive she was. The fact that she got that from me flopping down on the grass amazed me.

“How did you know?”

Hugging her knees, she did a little shoulder shrug. “I can just see it in your face. There isn’t that usual brightness. I know it must be hard being here.” She nodded at the grave. “It just feels like there is so much more.”

I inhaled and took my time exhaling, thinking about my words. “I hate my mum.”

“You do?” Amber blinked slowly and I wondered if four words had ruined things. Would she think I was a vile human being like Jimmy? “That’s understandable as a part of grief, I think.”

“I don’t think it is but that’s how I feel. Actually, that’s harsh, I hate what she did more than her.” I let out a shaky breath, surprised at the emotion that I was feeling. After almost sixteen years you’d think I’d have got used to it. How the thought of my parents yanked the breath from my lungs and punched me in the stomach.

“T-to you?” she asked, fear lacing her tone.

“God, no,” I said, putting a comforting hand on her knee. “No, she was a brilliant mum. I was a typical mummy’s boy and only child. She had a lot of issues having me and I think it scared Dad, so I was their one and only.” I smiled, recalling how she used to say they got perfection with me, so why bother again. Evidently not perfect enough to stay around to see me grow up.

“What happened then?”

“Killed herself,” I replied in a flat tone. “Like I said, three months after my dad died. Hanged herself and Auntie Mo found her.”

Amber gasped and, visibly shaken, she fell towards me. I put a hand out to catch her, she grabbed it and gripped my fingers whispering, “Ronnie.”

“Yeah, shit, right?”

“That must have been heart breaking. God, I’m so sorry.” Long thin fingers covered her mouth as tears welled. “I don’t know what to say.”

I shrugged. “There is nothing to say other than she didn’t love me enough.”

Amber shook her head. “No, don’t say that. Don’t even think that.”

“I think her hanging from the banister says different.”

“Don’t make light of it, Ronnie. And you’re wrong. She was heartbroken about your dad and grief is a horrible emotion. When my mum died I married Jimmy, for god’s sake.”

“That’s just a shit decision, Amber.”

We both grinned and I felt an ease within my soul. When her fingers squeezed mine it eased a little more.

“Have you ever had therapy?”

“Yeah,” I scoffed. “After it happened. She told Auntie Mo that it was natural for me to carry the guilt, even though I didn’t. There was only one person that I blamed.”

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