Page 51 of The First Chord

“Which is understandable. She left you, but maybe she felt she had no choice because she couldn’t stand the idea of a life without your dad.”

“But I’d be fine without both of them?”

“No and I’m sure she was torn apart knowing that you would have neither of them.” She glanced over at the grave. “I know people don’t think it, but sometimes it takes a lot of courage to commit suicide. I don’t think I could ever make that choice, though, if I had a child but then I’ve never been in that situation. Mental health issues aren’t a choice, though, Ronnie. Maybe she felt there was no other option.”

“Maybe. It still hurts, though, to think I wasn’t enough for her.” I started to pull the dead petals from one of the flowers I’d taken from the pot. Ripping it and scattering the pieces, I wished that I could let the blame and the anger go. “I want to think about Mum without every memory being clouded with black fucking fury.”

She shrugged. “So let it go. Remember the good things and that your parents adored each other and you. She made a decision which affected you hugely, but it wasn’t because she didn’t love you.”

She was right. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard a million times before, but I still hated it. Still wanted to scream at my mum and demand a reason why.

“Shall we go and get some lunch?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Are you okay?”

“All good, but starving.” I struggled to my feet because I didn’t want to let go of Amber’s hand. “There’s a really good Italian not far from here. That sound okay?”

I pulled her up and when she stumbled to within inches of me, my heart rate increased.

“Sorry,” she whispered. “I lost my footing.”

“No problem.” I swallowed and stared into her beautiful eyes, which weren’t so sad anymore. “I-I…” I had no clue what to say. All I knew was that I wanted to kiss her. Without thinking, I did. I put my mouth on hers and I kissed her. So gentle and soft I almost didn’t feel it. I might have thought I’d dreamed it, but I could taste her on my lips. I could feel her chest rising and falling against mine, until she pulled away, startling me back to reality.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Amber, I didn’t mean to… shit.”

With a hand at her throat, she shook her head. “No, it’s fine. It’s the emotion of the day. Don’t worry about it. Forget about it.”

She turned and quickly strode away towards the car and all I could do was watch her. Watch her and realise that everything about the woman in front of me was what I wanted, if only I could have her. She was beautiful, sweet, and kind and I could see how easy it would be to fall in love with her. Maybe then I would understand how my mum felt about my dad and how easy it was to leave me.

CHAPTER24

AMBER

Iwas worried about Ronnie, because he’d been quiet since the visit to his parents’ grave. He’d told me before that they both died when he was young, but I hadn’t realised how tragic the circumstances were. He was hanging on to the pain and anger of his mum’s suicide, which was totally understandable. It wasn’t good for anyone, though, to feel all that negativity for that great length of time.

I also worried about the brief kiss we’d shared. I knew we shouldn’t have, but it had been sweet and gentle and just what I needed. I shouldn’t have wanted it or wished for another, but I did, and I knew that was dangerous and it was wrong. He didn’t need the complications that my life would bring. He certainly didn’t need the difficulties that a kiss would create.

What he did need was cheering up, but I wasn’t the one qualified to do it. Which was why I’d contacted Simone and asked if she could organise for the rest of the band to visit his house. I thought some space between us might be good for Ronnie, so I’d offered to go out for the evening and let them have a boy’s night. I didn’t know whether it was unfortunate or not, but Simone said she would also come over and bring Ethan. That meant the boy’s night turned into an afternoon get together and we would have to continue pretending the kiss hadn’t happened.

It was all very weird because it seemed like Ronnie and I were hosting it asourevent. We’d cut up salad together, prepared the food together, and made a huge jug of punch together. What was petrifying was that it was natural and easy like he was the man who’d I’d said my vows to. Thinking about Jimmy should have brought a sense of guilt, but that emotion was lessening with each passing day. The thought of him made me look down at my wedding finger and the two rings there.

My marriage was over. There was no going back, even if I ended up with no support or lost touch with Amelie, Hugo, and Brandon, which seemed likely as contact with them had been sparse to say the least. Jimmy laying his hand on me had been the final straw and I should have left a long time ago. Sighing, I pulled the rings from my finger and placed them on the dressing table of the bedroom that I was staying in. They’d left an indent and instantly my hand felt strange. Bare and light. Glancing at the clock on my phone, I could see that it was almost time for everyone to arrive. Reaching the door, I paused and turned back around. Was it too soon to take the rings off? Would people get the wrong idea that I had? If they found out we’d kissed, they would. Rubbing my thumb over the bare finger I groaned quietly.

“Stop being an idiot.”

“Hey, you. Okay?” Ronnie was passing on the landing, fastening the leather belt on his jeans. He was freshly showered with damp hair and smiling brightly. “You look lovely.”

I looked down at the jeans and top I was wearing. Nothing special, but I noticed that I had started to fill out my jeans again. There was also a pink tinge to my cheeks which had been hollow and pale for a long time.

“Thanks. So do you.”

Ronnie grinned. “I try my best. Anyway, what’s up? You look like something is troubling you.” He leaned against the doorjamb and looked at me wide-eyed, waiting for me to reply. “Well?”

“You don’t think me being here while your friends are here is going to look bad, do you?”

He frowned. “Why would it?”

“Because we’re not together and they might think that I’m overstepping.”

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