Page 9 of Make Me Feel Again

“You can sleep in the spare room, don’t sleep on the sofa.”

He stops and takes a deep breath before looking over his shoulder at me. “I’m staying in here tonight. There is no way I’m letting you out of my sight after what happened today and after what you just told me.” His voice cracks. “Go sleep. I’ll be back here soon. Don’t worry, I’ll sleep on the floor.” He walks out, closing the door behind him.

In a way, I’m glad he’s staying in here. I don’t think I could stay here on my own, and not just because of what happened with James but because of what I just told him. I feel like the closer he is, the more I realize he doesn’t hate me for what happened. Maybe he does still care for me if he wants me safe.

I sigh, lying back on the bed, my mind rushing and processing everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours. I can’t believe this is my life. My life wasn’t getting better, but I had started to accept what life had dealt me and that I was only ever going to have Jace in my life as a memory and nothing more. Now I’m back to square one. My boyfriend was killed because of me. How am I meant to get over this? Tears fall down my cheeks as I think back to what James said, but then I remember what else he said.“It’s so much deeper than you could possibly even think.”The more I think about that, the more I think he isn’t referring to what he told me, and something tells me there is more to this, but what?

Cash walks in wearing only his pants, interrupting my overthinking, and I feel like the world falls beneath me. He glances up at me, then looks away.

“I thought you may have been asleep,” he says, placing down a quilt he must have grabbed from the spare room. I can’t help my gaze lingering on his body. His broad shoulders and muscular arms, there’s no way you can’t look. I feel his eyes on me, and my cheeks redden as I lie back on the pillow while hoping the world will swallow me.

“I couldn’t sleep,” I whisper.

“Do you need anything?” I want to ask him to come lie next to me. Just lie with me and hold me. Make me believe this isn’t my fault. I feel so weak right now, and I hate it. I hate that this is my life.

“No, I’m fine. Night, Cash.” I roll to my side and turn off the lamp, dreading tomorrow and the days to come.

Chapter nine

Cash

Idon’twanttoopen my eyes. I’m in Rylee’s bed, but once I open them, reality will smack me in the face along with everything that has happened—what Casey told me, what Rylee told me last night. Will life ever be the same again? Losing Jace was hard enough, but to know my son’s crash was on purpose, that he was murdered by someone he once considered a friend, makes me sick to my stomach. I feel weak, angry, sad. If he murdered Jace, what the fuck could he do to Rylee, my family, Bridge, Boh?

Within an hour of lying on the floor, Rylee started screaming. I have never moved so fast in my life. I jumped up, ran to the side of her bed, and tried to coax her down by whispering she was okay in her ear, but she didn’t calm down until I laid next to her and held her. Being in her arms was the only reason I got any sleep last night, I’m sure of it.

I begrudgingly open my eyes, blinking up at the dim-lit room, the only light peeking through the gaps of the curtains. Dread fills my stomach at knowing everything will have to be dredged back up today.

I glance down at Rylee clinging to me around my waist, and her leg hangs over mine. It brings me back to that night Toni called me from Freedom when Rylee went mad and hit her thinking she was seeing Jace. She clung to me like I was her lifeline that night too. I remember the feeling then and it’s the same now. Weightless, like everything will be okay. Whenever she’s near, everything seems easier, life feels easier. Having her in my arms reminds me I can get through anything.

Her head lays on my chest with her face pointing up at me, her mouth open slightly. She’s painfully beautiful. Without makeup, Rylee is a vision. Her natural long brown, glossy hair, her high cheekbones, the freckles which dust her nose and cheeks. I can picture those emerald-green eyes that would have me falling to my knees, offering her anything she wanted.

I stay here for a little while longer, soaking in her touch. The control freak in me wants to spin her around, pin her down, and demand she is mine and has to accept it. I don’t care how fucking wrong it is or what people think of me when I’m with her. No one else matters. The alarm bells in my head know what this means. It goes so much deeper than a crush, and I have never felt so fucking fucked in all my life. The thought has me grinding my teeth because I don’t know how much longer I can stay away from her. I don’t even know if she wants me, but I don’t care, I’ll make her want me.

When I realized she had been taken, it felt like losing myself all over again. I didn’t think I could bring myself back after losing Jace. Bridge and Boh helped, and I’ll always be thankful to them for what they have done for me. They kept me standing, but Rylee brought light back into my life and doesn’t even realize it. I know if anyone could read inside my head, they would think I was the biggest piece of shit to walk this earth, and the funny thing is, I know it, but I can’t turn off this obsession I have for her. It’s not happening, and with what happened between us, I know deep down she feels the same fucked-up way. That’s why I’m staying.

I let my eyes get their fill of her one last time before I place a gentle kiss to her head, breathing in the vanilla scent of her hair. Then I lean back and take a deep breath before peeling myself from her grip.

Even if I would prefer James to be six feet under instead, something tells me that would be too easy for him. I want him to suffer. I want him to fucking rot in prison for what he has done to my family, and I won’t stop until he gets the hell he is owed.

I take a quick shower, and when I return to the room, Rylee is still fast asleep, no doubt exhausted from everything that has happened. I still haven’t explained to her everything Casey told me and don’t know when the right time will be. Boh or Bridge being here will help because I don’t think I can tell her without losing my head. And then on top of that, I still need to break it to Bridge and Boh about what Rylee told me. When did life become such a mess.

Boh text me last night to tell me he had work covered. He wants to come with us today.

I’m about to wake Rylee when her name is screamed through the apartment.Toni.

“Ryleeeeee!” Rylee shoots up, eyes wide but looking like she doesn’t know what month it is. The bedroom door flies open, and I’m surprised it doesn’t come off its hinges. Toni barges in, runs toward Rylee, and throws herself at her. She bursts into tears while peppering kisses all over Rylee’s face.

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, Ry.”

I walk away and let them have their moment. Rylee will want a coffee, so I head to the kitchen. I glance over my shoulder, and Rylee is staring at me over Toni’s shoulder while they hold each other, tears tracking down her face. Her eyebrows are drawn downward, like she’s waiting for something bad to happen. I give her a reassuring smile; whatever she goes through today, I will be right beside her. She gives me a small, relieved smile back. I know Rylee better than she thinks, and even though I asked her not to blame herself for James, she will.

Chapter ten

Rylee

Myeyessting,andmy body is heavy. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep for a month. Toni holds my hand as we walk out of the police station with Cash on the other side of me and Boh next to him. I didn’t want to go through everything, but I knew I needed to.It will help them find Jace’s murdereris all I kept telling myself. I’m doing this for Jace.

It nearly didn’t happen because of Cash. They said it was procedure and I had to do the interview on my own, but he wasn’t having any of it. He had to compromise in the end. They threatened to arrest him if he didn’t relax, and Boh managed to talk him down, but they let him in the monitor room so he could watch me. I had to explain everything—in detail. All the things James said and the kiss. When I came out, Cash’s knuckles were bloody and the cop with him looked like he’d had just about enough for today and was eager to get Cash out. I glance up at Toni, her mascara is smudged from all the crying. When I managed to tell her that Jace’s crash was caused because of James drugging his drink, she broke down with me while we rocked together, crying. Cash told Boh and I know they both had a moment together. I walked in on Cash holding Boh while Boh silently cried into Cash’s shoulders. Boh then turned to me, and walked over pulling me into his arms whispering none of it is my fault.

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