Page 48 of Falling Too Late

Ma sighed heavily. “When I took her to the hospital that first day, I sat in the room while she gave a report of everything that had happened. . .” Her face became pinched, and she swallowed hard. “Sweetie, I couldn’t. . . I couldn’t sit and listen to everything. It was too much for me to handle. She spoke about it. . .” I watched as she tried to find the words, “. . .like it was normal. Like what happened to her was an everyday thing for you and I. Logically, she knew it was wrong, but it’s what happened and she was very matter-of-fact about it.” She bit the inside of her cheek. “She might not want you to know her in that kind of light.”

My stomach turned from her words. “I know, I just. . . I can’t help the way I feel. It was stupid to hope her and I might be anything more, I know.”

“Alexander James.” Ma’s voice was stern. “Falling in love is never stupid. You can love her, but you just have to understand that she may never love you the same way back. All’s you can do is treat her right, give her the things she deserves. Be there for her.”

I stared up at her. The sun had risen higher and the birds were waking up. She smiled down at me, and I realized how much I had missed talking to her like this. When I was younger, I used to fall asleep in her bed and try to stay up until she got home. She would climb into her bed after a long night and smell of pancake syrup and bacon. She would hold me tight and tell me how much she loved me. We would stay like that for a few hours before I would have to get up and get ready for school. I didn’t remember when I stopped doing that.

I stood. I was taller than her now and had to look down. I hugged her tight. “I love you, Ma. I’m going to take care of both of you one day. I’m going to get us out of this shithole and oneday you won’t have to work so much.” I expected her to scold me for my language, but she just hugged me tighter.

CHAPTER 19

WREN, 21 YEARS OLD

“How are you feeling, Wren?”Laurel sat cross-legged, her elbow on the arm of her chair, chin in her hand.??

I took a deep breath and leaned back, hugging one of her decorative pillows to my chest. I thought about my words.

HowwasI feeling?

“Honestly, kind of anxious. It kind of feels like I’m leaving something behind.” I mulled over my words some more. “But I’m also excited.”??

She nodded at me with a soft smile on her lips. “You have come a long way since our first session. You aren’t leaving this behind. You know you can always schedule another appointment. We can touch base. Remember your breathing techniques.”?

The nightmares had gotten worse during senior year of high school. Panic attacks became a weekly thing for me once I started college. I had started to isolate myself away from everyone except for Gloria and Alex. Then the paranoia started. I kept thinking I saw Kevin waiting for me out in the parking lot.?I thought I got glimpses of him in stores. It was never him, though, just my brain playing tricks on me.

Alex had tried to get me to talk to him about things, and I would. I didn’t mind telling him. I even wanted to tell him things. I didn’t like keeping anything from him.

Except for how angry he would get on my behalf.??

Being able to tell Laurel and have her have very little reaction helped me a lot. It was like being nauseous all day, every day, and the only way to feel any better was to allow yourself to throw up. Get everything out until there was no reason to be nauseous anymore.??

I had finally gotten everything out.?

“So, you have officially graduated college with a business degree and a minor in human resources. You have been at your job for a year now.” She grabbed her notebook and flipped it open. “You bought a car, and Alex has closed on a house you are all moving into and getting away from the apartment complex where everything happened.” The more she ticked off my accomplishments and life changes, the greater the excitement grew in my chest. “That is really wonderful, Wren,”?she praised.

I squeezed the pillow tighter and grinned. Last night we had packed up every last item in the apartment. We’ve been making trips back and forth, dropping all the boxes in the little detached garage of our new home.??

But I had been distracted for a while. I had been hitting all these milestones, but one thing kept eating away at me.

“I want to have sex,” I blurted out. “But I’m still. . . nervous.”

Her eyebrows raised a hair in surprise before she schooled her expression. “That’s a big step in your life, Wren.” Laurel sat back in her chair, a cup of coffee in her hands. “What has made you open yourself to this? The reason I ask is because, when you came to me two years ago, you were adamant about never wanting to have sex.”??

I shifted on the couch, trying to pinpoint the moment I had decided this for myself.

I had been seeing Laurel for about two years. At first, our sessions were every other day of the week, and soon they leveled out to weekly, then biweekly. When I enrolled in college, I found out that the campus had therapists available. I ventured my way over and signed up. Laurel specialized in childhood sexual abuse.??

I shrugged my shoulders, feeling embarrassed, but I pushed through the emotion.??

“I’m twenty-one and the only sexual experience I have is from my mom selling me for cigarettes and rent.” The words came out flippantly. I took a deep breath, trying to not hide behind sarcasm. “I want to experience it. I want to understand what it's like to have an. . .enjoyable experience.”

There was a little voice in the back of my head that told me that wanting to have sex now was like justifying what was done to me. Logic pushed through: what was done to me was not okay.

I had been a child.

“That’s perfectly natural, Wren, and there is nothing to be ashamed of,” she said, clearly seeing my thought process on my face.

“I just don’t know what to do. How to start.” I shook my head. “I feel like I am so far behind everyone else my age.”??

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