Page 84 of Before You Say Goodbye

“Hi,” she said stupidly. It made him smile.

“Hi,” he said. She didn’t know what else to say. No combination of words would ever convey the enormity of what she wanted him to know. She threw herself on him instead.

“I’ll love you for ever,” she heard herself say.

“I know you will,” he said.

He let her lay with him for a few minutes, then urged her gently to go. She moved to stand beside Marley. Bowie gesturedfor Maddie to come to him. In her hands, she carried boxes of sleeping pills, numerous boxes of pain relief tablets, and a cup of clear liquid. She placed them on Bowie’s bedside table and perched on the side of the bed beside her brother. She was crying silent tears. They belied her composure.

“Don’t thank me again,” she said before Bowie could speak.

“Sorry.” He stroked her arm. “You won’t get into trouble, will you?”

“No, darling, but you need to take them yourself. And I think you should write a note. I’ll take the blame for leaving too many pills lying around.”

“Please don’t do that.” Bowie shook his head. “Mum and Dad will never forgive you if they think you’ve had anything to do with this. Promise me you won’t. Tell them I’ve been stockpiling them and I took them myself. Promise me.”

“OK.” Maddie soothed him. “We will, Bowie, I promise.”

“What will happen?” he said. “What will it do to my body?”

“It won’t do you any good to know that,” she said softly.

“Will it hurt?” he asked. Maddie shook her head.

“You should take these first, then these, then drink this vodka down. You’re going to feel drowsy pretty quickly, so you’re going to have to do it all as fast as you can. It’s an overdose, but the sleeping pills will knock you out.”

Bowie nodded, his eyes flitting fearfully to the pill packets. Maddie kissed the back of his hand.

“It isn’t going to hurt,” she whispered. He nodded again and swallowed, turning to look at Marley, pacing the floorboards restlessly.

“Marley,” Bowie said softly. Marley stopped and looked at him. “If you’re going to leave, then you should go now.”

Marley walked to the door, then stopped. His face crumpled. He looked at Autumn, then at Maddie, and finally at his twin brother.

“I’m staying,” he said.

He strode determinedly towards the bed and threw himself down on it with childlike abandon. He scooted closer to Bowie and helped him to sit up. He ran his hand lovingly over his brother’s face and kissed him on the top of his head. Bowie smiled and let his head fall heavily against Marley’s shoulder, scribbling a note on a notepad Maddie had given him and tossing it onto the bedside cabinet when he was done. Once they were settled, they looked at Autumn. Maddie held her hand out to her, gently pulling her towards the bed.

They looked between each other, each of them certain someone else would put a stop to this, but nobody did.

Bowie swallowed a handful of sleeping tablets first, then dropped the painkillers onto his tongue as if he were eating sweets. He was sinking into drowsiness in just a few minutes. He held on to the three of them, repeatedly asking them to tell his family how much he loved them, and promising their crying faces that they would be all right. As he slipped into unconsciousness, Maddie promised him, in answer to the fear in his eyes, that he wouldn’t feel any additional pain. It would all be all right now, she whispered. She waited until he was sleeping soundly before she let herself sob. They sat beside him and waited.

“How long will it take?” Marley asked, cradling Bowie’s head where it had fallen against his chest.

“I honestly don’t know,” Maddie said.

They lay motionless for half an hour or so. Bowie’s breathing slowed, and then became more ragged. Autumn held his hand tight, allowing herself to hope that Maddie’s plan hadn’t worked. Bowie was, at least physically, still alive, but the grief she felt was already desolating. She was scared stiff. She watched as the rise and fall of his chest grew shallower. Eventually, he let out a deep sighing breath and he never drew in another. Marley stuffed thecorner of the bedsheet into his mouth and released a sound like nothing Autumn had ever heard before. She knew it would haunt her for ever.

They wept and wept, and then Autumn and Maddie peeled Bowie from Marley’s arms and laid him on his back in a nest of pillows. He was still warm to the touch. They tucked his bed covers around him with great care and reverence. Marley curled into a ball on the floor, crying out his brother’s name over and over and over again.

“Please, Marley.” Maddie knelt before him and stroked his head tentatively. “Mum and Dad will hear you, and this shouldn’t be how they find out. Please.”

He reached out and grabbed his sister by her arm, pulling her in to clasp her to him. He begged her, in urgent whispers, to kill him too.

“Please. Maddie, please. I can’t do this. Oh God, Bowie. Maddie. Please help me.”

Autumn’s loss was utterly incapacitating. She was unable to do or say anything. She sat on the end of the bed and watched Maddie try to soothe her brother through her own tears, but Marley was adamant that he wanted nothing but to die. Autumn forced herself to speak.

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