Page 83 of Before You Say Goodbye

“Do you know what you’re asking me to do?” he said. “Have you really thought about it? Really? Bowie’s my whole fucking life. You’re asking me to destroy myself.”

“Do you know how selfish you sound?” She stood up to confront him. “Can you hear yourself?”

“I can’t do it,” he said.

“You wouldn’t have to,” she said. “You just have to let us. Maddie and I.”

“I can’t stand by and watch either.”

“Then we will,” she said firmly. “Say your goodbyes and leave him.”

Marley moved towards her, protesting, but whatever he’d been about to say was interrupted by a high-pitched, strangled cry from Bowie’s room. Marley slouched down onto his haunches and held his face in his hands. His shoulders shook.

“Is this the way you want him to go?” she asked him, his torso heaving with distress.

“W-what’s the alternative?” he murmured into his palms. “What do we need to do?”

“Maddie will know how,” Autumn said. “And then it’ll all be over for him, all the fear, all the pain. He won’t have to feel anyof it anymore. And that’s all he wants now. It’s all he’s wanted for months.”

Marley lost his balance, collapsing into a sitting position on the tiled floor of the porch. He drew his knees up to his chest and turned his head to sob hysterically into the sleeve of his shirt. Her heart ached for him. She sat down beside him, pulling his shuddering body into hers. They held on to one another, listening to Bowie’s pleas of distress, as the fog rolled in around them.

* * *

Together, Autumn and Marley told Bowie their plan, plied him with vodka to calm him down, and convinced the family that they should all get some sleep. Bowie had been in the same level of distress for many hours now, they said. If it was going to get worse, it already would have. Autumn and Marley promised to come and get them if Bowie needed them.

When Maddie came to bid her brother goodnight, Autumn caught her eye. She stared at her meaningfully until she was sure she understood. Maddie nodded gently and left. She went to bed with the others, but met Autumn and Marley ten minutes later on the stairs.

“I’m not sure I can do this,” she whispered.

“Don’t say that, Maddie.” Autumn grimaced. “We’ve already told him that we will.”

“I always said I’d never do it unless everyone agreed,” she said.

“They’ll never agree,” Marley said. His voice was low and hoarse. “Mum and Dad will never agree, never. We have to do this without them.”

“We need you, Maddie,” Autumn said. “You’re the only one who knows anything about his drugs. We can’t risk this going wrong.”

They held hands as they filed into the bedroom. Bowie was sleeping, but his eyes fluttered open when he heard them come in. He smiled when he saw Maddie was with them and reached out to hold her hand.

“Thank you,” he said.

“Bowie—”

“I’m ready, Maddie,” he answered before she could say any more. “I’m tired.”

Maddie nodded, turning to the two of them. “You’d better say your goodbyes.” She walked unsteadily to the doorway. Autumn let Marley step forward. He sat beside his brother, bereft. Bowie looked at his twin with wonder in his eyes.

“Thank you,” he said. Marley smiled weakly, taking Bowie’s hand.

“I don’t think I can stay,” he said.

“That’s OK,” Bowie said. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Forgive yourself, Marley? Please?”

Marley tried to speak, but Maddie re-entered the room. Autumn willed him to say whatever it was he wanted to say anyway, but Marley clamped his mouth shut, instead leaning down to kiss Bowie on his forehead, nodding gently as he did. When it felt as though an age had passed, Bowie pushed him, firmly but tenderly, away. Marley loitered at the bottom of the bed. Autumn stepped forward.

---